


Any Colour You Like

by Winglesss



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Closeted Dean, Dancer Castiel, Domestic Fluff, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Explicit Sexual Content, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Prostitute Castiel, Slow Burn, Slurs, Twink Castiel, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:22:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 69,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3107684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winglesss/pseuds/Winglesss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On his way home from work Dean meets a young prostitute and decides that he can't leave the boy sleep on the street in a pouring rain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beautiful Boy

**Author's Note:**

> **Acknowledgement:** This fic wouldn't be possible without [Wincechesters](http://wincechesters.tumblr.com/) and [Elphane](http://elphane.tumblr.com/) who pulled me through it and motivated me when I wanted to give up on this story. Elphane is also the one who translates my gibberish into proper English.  
>  Thanks also go to [Wingspawn](http://wingspawn.tumblr.com/). I hope she knows why :)
> 
>  **Trigger warnings:** Please read the additional tags for all trigger warnings!  
>  Cas is 19 and Dean is 32 so the age difference is pretty huge.  
> The rape scene isn't very explicit and I will warn about it in the respective chapter so you can skip it, but it will have an impact on the characters and will be mentioned several times throughout the fic.  
> Cas is a prostitute so there will be other situations with dubious consent mentioned.  
> Everything between Dean and Cas is consensual.  
> I don't dare to say wether Cas has an eating disorder or not, but his eating habits definitely aren't healthy and I was told it might be triggering.  
> This fic addresses internalized homophobia. Please keep in mind that internalized homophobia isn't a choice and it's the society we live in to blame, not the person. However It's important if the person is willing to learn and fight to overcome it or not.  
> Despite all these things it's actually pretty fluffy, I promise!  
> Okay I think I said enough. Enjoy reading! All feedback is appreciated! You can find me on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)  
> Here is a [promo pic spam](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/post/132038440598/any-colour-you-like-by-winglesss-on-his-way) I made for this story.

It’s not a bad day, or rather it's been as bad as any other day in Dean Winchester’s life. Really, there hasn't been anything that would make it worse, maybe the rain. Dean hates the rain. It's pouring down in thick ropes of water instead of separate drops. Dean got soaked as he went from the garage to the car. He stopped at the grocery store to grab a pack of beer and instant mac and cheese. The teenage cashier gave him a weird look, as if it was his fault that he was dripping wet.

He tries the radio, thinking some classic rock might help him forget that he's on his way from an unsatisfying job to an empty house. But thanks to the storm, there's only statics. He swears and pulls out of the parking lot.

He drives slowly, the road is a mess and he can barely see anything, because the water's coming down in sheets, rather than droplets, obscuring his windshield.

It's when he's stopped at the lights he sees the kid. A boy, too thin for his height and  not enough clothes on for this weather. He's leaning against the wall of a liquor store, arms wrapped around himself.

The light has turned green, but there's no one waiting behind him, so Dean just rolls down the passenger window.

"Hey! Do you want a lift?"

The guy looks up, his eyes finding Dean. He looks around, not sure Dean is talking to him.

When he jogs towards the car, shielding his face against the rain with his bare arms, Dean can finally see his clothes and face properly and he realizes he might have made a mistake. The boy is wearing a net tank top which reveals more than it covers and cut off shorts. He has dark circles of smudged mascara around his eyes but despite them, when he pokes his head into the window, Dean notices his eyes are bright blue.

 "Hey handsome, want company?" he asks in a voice much deeper than Dean would expect from someone so young.

"I uh..." Before Dean manages to process the fact that he´s talking to a male prostitute, the young man opens the door and slides to the passenger seat, running his hands through his drenched hair as he does.

"Look I didn’t... I thought I’d just take you home," Dean stutters. The guy smiles too bright. It doesn’t reach his eyes. When Dean really looks at them, they look very tired.

"If that's what you want. It's better than doing it in the car." The boy answers and reaches his hand to stroke Dean's thigh. Dean jerks away like a wounded animal and hits his other knee against the door of the Impala.

"Hey, hey, easy tiger! I mean it. I don’t want to buy your... service or whatever."

"So why did you stop here?" The guy is squinting at him, head tilted to one side. With the mop of dark wet hair sticking up in all directions, he looks like a confused bird.

"Because I saw a young kid out in the rain. I just wanted to give you a lift to somewhere you can stay through the night."

"I don’t need your charity," he snaps and starts to open the door.

"Wait!" Dean grabs his arm. The kid looks at him with horror in his eyes and jerks out of his grip.

"Come on. You’re not gonna get any... customers in this weather anyway. You might as well go home and get some sleep. I just don't want you to die of pneumonia."

The kid sighs, his shoulders slump a bit.

"I don't have home," he mutters, looking out of the window.

"No home? But you have some place to stay, right?"

He shakes his head and shrugs. "Sometimes I sleep in a motel, when I have money." He looks at Dean, eyes narrow and sharp.

"But in this weather? No job, no money. Which means no place to stay."

Dean bites his lip looking at the kid. He's shivering, his full lips are turning blue and his arms are covered with goosebumps.

Dean takes a breath, the decision already made.

"You can stay at my house tonight."

The boy looks at him with wide eyes, then he squints again. "For what?" he barks out.

"What do you mean?"

"What's the prize? Do you want to fuck me? You can, but you have to use a condom. Or will a blowjob do? Or do you want both? I’m not doing anything kinky, I’m too cold and tired for that."

Dean stares at him, surprised by his business tone. It makes something slimy curl around his stomach. He shakes his head.

"I don’t want anything."

"You don't get something for nothing."

"I just want to help," Dean answers, losing his temper. "So are you going with me or not? I don't know about you but I'm freezing my balls off here."

The kid presses his lips into a tight line and looks down at his hands.

"Okay, take me somewhere warm."

* * *

 

Castiel is pretty sure he's made a mistake. The guy seems quite nice, sure. He's actually very handsome, full lips and sharp jaw, he definitely doesn’t seem like someone who has to pay for sex. And he's really polite. Which means he's probably a pervert and a serial killer and he will do terrible things to Castiel and then feed him to his cats.

But the fact is Cas is cold and tired and there was no chance he could earn anything today, so it looked like a good idea to let somebody help him.

_No, it's never a good idea to let anyone help you, because no one helps you for free and if the guy says he doesn't want sex, then what he wants might be even worse._

"So what's your name?" The deep voice snaps Cas out of his thoughts.

"Jimmy," he answers without looking at him.

"I’m Dean, Dean Winchester."

"Hello, Dean." This time he turns to take a proper look at his knight in shining armor slash potential murderer. Yeah he's pretty hot. In his late twenties or early thirties, he has the rough look of hard working man but his plump lips and big bright eyes make him look somehow sweet, kissable. He probably wears a big knife in his boot and slashes young boys' throats on a daily basis.

"Here we are," the man -Dean- says when he parks in front of a nice, small house - frontyard and picket fence and the whole shebang.

It really creeps Cas out.

"Uhm are you... are you sure you won't kill me and bury me in the backyard?"

Dean huffs out a laugh. "Yeah I'm sure about that."

"Good, because I'm not," Cas mutters and gets out of the car.

The rain hasn’t stopped, so they have to run to the front door.

Dean unlocks the door and lets Cas in. He looks down at the puddles of water forming around his sneakers.

"Stay here, I'll get you a towel or something," says Dean as he disappears further into the house, leaving Cas in the hallway.

Cas looks around, the house looks nice, if a little bit worn out.

"You live here alone?" he asks when Dean comes back and hands him a towel.

"Yeah, I'm divorced. Come in. Tea or coffee? Are you hungry?"

He doesn't want to say yes, but his empty stomach overrules his mind. "Yes. Please," he adds hurriedly following Dean into the kitchen.

"I only have instant mac and cheese if you don’t mind."

"It's fine. And I'd like coffee, please."

Cas sits down at the table and starts to dry his hair with the towel.

Dean looks at him and narrows his eyes with concern.

"You're still cold. You should take a shower. The bathroom is upstairs."

Cas nods and obediently goes to find the bathroom. It's great to take a nice hot shower in a clean bathroom. When people let him take a shower, it usually means they don't want to touch a filthy whore, but a whore that smells with their own shampoo. Dean's shampoo smells nice. Cas wonders if Dean has changed his mind when he hears the knock. He takes a deep breath and turns the shower off. The door creaks and Dean steps inside.

 “Jimmy?”

Dean's eyes widen when he sees Cas standing in the middle of the bathroom naked.

"Ugh," is all he's able to get out. He takes a step back as Castiel takes two forward, entering his personal space.

"Come on, Dean. I always pay my debts." He leans closer and touches Dean's arm.

"I just... I-" Dean holds up a bundle of clothes as a shield.

"I won't tell anyone," Cas whispers seductively getting even closer, almost pressing himself against Dean.

"Wait. Wait, stop! I'm not... I'm not like that! I... I'm not interested in men, okay?"

Cas freezes and takes a step back. "You're straight?"

"Yes," Dean breathes out, relieved that Cas finally gave him some space.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm fucking sure."

"Oh. Sorry, I guess." Cas bows his head, suddenly embarrassed by his nudity.

"Just... just get dressed and come and eat." Dean shoves the clothes into Cas’ chest, not looking at him and leaves.

_Well done, Castiel. The guy is just trying to help you and you managed to freak him out. Because he's straight. Straight guys don't like male prostitutes like you and you fuck up by offering yourself like the slut you are. Just perfect. As if things weren't awkward already, you just made them super awkward. You should eat his mac and cheese and get the fuck out of here._

Castiel puts on the clothes Dean lent him. Gray sweatpants that are a bit too long and a worn out and an AC/DC shirt that is the right kind of too big that feels cozy.

When he gets back into the kitchen, there's a plate of food and a mug of coffee waiting for him. Dean is already eating.

"I made decaf so you will sleep," he says when Cas takes a seat.

"Thank you. Uhm, Dean, look I'm really sorry-"

"It's okay," Dean cuts him off, "just don’t throw yourself at me anymore, would you?" He actually smiles a bit so Cas returns the smile.

"I won't."

"Good. I really took you home just to help you. Nothing else. You have to believe me."

"I do," Cas mutters, eyes fixed on his plate, "I'm just not used to being treated like this."

There's an uneasy silence, interrupted only by clanging of cutlery against plates.

"Jimmy?"

"Hm?" He swallows and looks up to see Dean staring at him.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty one."

"You're not twenty one."

"I am!"

"You're not."

"Okay, I’m nineteen."

Dean raises one eyebrow questioningly.

"Really, I am."

Dean nods and takes another bite before he continues. "Why... why are you like this?"

It makes Cas' throat constrict. He hates questions like this.

"What do you mean like this? Gay? Hooker?"

"Homeless. I mean homeless."

"I told you I don't have enough money."

"I know but... What about your family?"

Cas clenches his teeth. "It's none of your business," he hisses turning his attention back to his meal.

"Yeah, you're right." Dean gets up and rinses his plate in the sink. He opens himself a bottle of beer and leans against a counter top.

"I have a younger brother. When we were young-"

"Stop," Cas barks out looking at Dean with daggers in his eyes.

"Just don't. Don't tell me your tragic backstory. I don't care. And I'm not telling you mine." He gets up and cleans his own plate. He feels Dean's eyes on him.

"You can sleep in the guest room," Dean finally says. It takes Cas aback, he expected Dean to kick him out.

"I have to go to work in the morning so I'll wake you up."

Cas nods avoiding Dean's eyes. "Thank you, good night," he says quietly and heads upstairs.

The guestroom is nice. It was obviously furnished and decorated by a woman, Dean's ex probably. Pastel colors on the walls, curtains and floral patterns. The bed is soft and the bedding smells nice. It's the nicest room Cas has slept in years. He feels a bit guilty for snapping at Dean, but the tiredness is stronger than all the thoughts  running through his head, so it doesn't take him long to fall asleep.

* * *

 

Dean can't sleep. He can't stop thinking about the kid in his guest room. Of course the bathroom incident was awkward and it freaked Dean out, but there's something that's telling him all the bravado is just Jimmy's way

of dealing with things. Dean's sure he's a good boy in a terrible situation. Maybe he reminds Dean of himself when he was young and had to take care of himself and Sammy. He never did t _hose things_ like Jimmy, but he did a lot of things he’s not proud of to gain at least a few bucks for food.

It probably isn't Jimmy's fault that he ended up on the street and he deserves help. With that thought Dean finally closes his eyes and lets sleep claim him.

 

"Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!"

The boy makes a grumpy sound and hides his head under the pillow, when Dean enters the room.

"Come on, breakfast is ready and I have to leave in an hour." Dean yanks the comforter away which makes Jimmy sit up and look at him with murder in his eyes. His hair is mussed and he looks like an angry kitten. Dean can't stifle a laugh when the too deep voice says "I don't eat breakfast."

"What? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You have to eat at least something. Come on. I have pancakes."

"Food in the morning makes me sick," the kid grumbles, but he gets out of the bed and follows Dean, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Wow, you made all this?" He asks when they arrive into the kitchen and he sees Dean's creation. Pancakes, eggs, sausages, the whole nine yards.

"Yeah. Don’t look at me like this. I don't live on instant food, I actually like to cook."

Jimmy takes a seat, a look of awe still on his face. "I haven't eaten a cooked breakfast for... probably since I left home."

Dean wants to ask. He wants to know how long Jimmy's been on the street and why. But even though it's like an itch he can't scratch, he doesn't ask. Last time it only made Jimmy angry.

"They kicked me out," Cas says grimly out of nowhere. Dean looks at him but shakes his head to show he's lost.

"You asked, why I'm homeless. My family kicked me out for being gay."

"What? Are you kidding me?" Dean bursts out in disbelief.

"Yeah I'm kidding, I ran away because I actually wanted to be a prostitute!" Cas retorts sharply and stabs his pancake with a fork.

"No, wait, I mean... that's terrible. How can anyone do that to their own kid?"

The boy shrugs and shoves a piece of bacon into his mouth. "Ask my brother. He's the one who kicked me out."

Dean shakes his head, still unable to believe.

"What a dick. And what about your parents?"

"My dad is dead and mom is too ill to care. But they were religious nuts just like my brother, so I think they would agree."

Dean rubs his face with his palm, disgusted by the story.

"Shit. I'm sorry, Jimmy."

"It's Castiel," the guy says more to the stack of pancakes on his plate than Dean.

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Castiel, not Jimmy."

"Oh."

"I never tell my real name to johns," he explains apologetically.

"That's wise." Dean nods. He gets up and starts pacing back and forth, rubbing his chin. If he wasn't sure about the offer he wanted to make, he's sure now, but he's still nervous Castiel, not Jimmy, will tell him to go fuck himself.

"So, uh, Castiel... Cas, I have an offer for you."

"Did you change your mind and you want to fuck me?"

Dean turns to him irritated, but when he sees the spark in Cas' eyes, he realizes the boy is joking and smiles back at him.

"No, but if you want, you can stay here."

Cas' eyes go wide and he gapes at Dean. _Yeah that was exactly how you shouldn't have told him, Winchester-_ Dean scolds himself and sits down, this time closer to Castiel.

"This house is too big for one and I have to spend a lot of time at work so I don’t have time to take care of it. So if you’d be willing to do some chores, nothing big, just a bit of cleaning, dusting, doing laundry and such things, you can stay. You wouldn’t have to pay me anything so you’d be able to save some money and then maybe get your own place."

Cas squints at him, lips pressed tightly together. It's weird to see such a serious expression on such a young face. It reminds Dean of Sammy and he feels a pang of pain in his chest.

"What's the catch?" Castiel asks after a good minute of staring right into Dean's soul.

Dean takes a deep breath before he answers. "You stop selling yourself."

He doesn't expect Cas to burst into laughter.

"So that's it? You wanna save my soul? Who do you think you are? Some kind of Messiah? Picking up stray kids and setting them right?"

"Cas I-"

"No. Stow your bullshit. I don't need it." Cas gets up so fast his chair falls down. He drops his fork with a clang.

"I don't need to be saved." He hisses and storms out of the room. Dean sighs and follows him while Cas collects his things.

"Wait! Cas, wait for a fucking second!"

"No, Dean! I don't care what kind of guilt you're trying to redeem here, but I'm not gonna be your charity case!"

Cas shoves him out of the way, then he stops and starts to take off the old AC/DC shirt Dean's given him.

"For fuck's sake at least keep the stupid clothes!"

Cas snorts but he keeps the shirt on. "Thank you for letting me stay," he says, not looking Dean in the eyes. Then he's running down the stairs and before Dean can collect himself, he hears him slamming the front door.

Dean sits on the stairs and hides his face in his palms. There was a ton of things he could have said but he didn't. He couldn't. It would be in vain. Castiel is too hurt to believe someone is offering him a genuine help. Too proud to accept it. It makes Dean even more eager to help him, but he's helpless. Cas' words left him speechless. Maybe he was right. Maybe Dean was trying to redeem himself. Maybe he wanted to give Cas the opportunity he didn't have, the opportunity to get out of the mess he's in.

Anyway, there's no way to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved, so Dean lets it go.

Or at least he tries. Every time he's passing the liquor store, he's looking for familiar figure. Every night he thinks about the young man and if he's safe. Does he have enough money to sleep in a motel room tonight? What if somebody hurts him? Does he take care of himself? He might catch something. He curses Cas' family every time. And he curses himself for letting him leave. For not being more persuasive, for not explaining his intentions better.

And it's actually pretty ridiculous because Dean has never spent so much time thinking about a prostitute. Not even when he was a teenager and had a crush on a stripper in local night club.

Except for his thoughts, his life goes back to normal. He goes to work, he watches TV and drinks beer, once in a while he calls Sam. For two weeks, nothing extraordinary happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic title: Pink Floyd  
> Chapter title: John Lennon


	2. Lovesong Of The Buzzard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Rape/Non-Con in this chapter. The scene is written in italic so you can skip it. Please keep in mind that it has an impact on the characters, so it will be dealt with later in the chapter.

The first thing that hits Castiel when he leaves Dean's house is the cold. He feels so cold, even though he's wearing much more than usually. It feels like he's cold _inside_. In Dean's house it was warm, it felt like home. Not Cas' home of course. But it was cozy and safe. Castiel hasn't felt this safe in forever.

He shakes his head to clear it. _No, don't accept anyone's help_ \- that's the rule and he's already broken it last night. He can't let people help him, they always want something back. They pretend they care but when he gets attached, they leave or push him away. No attachments means no heartbreak.

With that thought he returns to his life, to dirty alleys, shitty motel rooms and bathroom stalls in bars. The first week is good. One of his johns pays for two hours in a motel room but leaves after thirty minutes, so Cas enjoys a shower and a nap. His friend Rachel calls to tell him she's sick and needs somebody to cover for her. Cas likes to work in the strip club. With tips and lap dances he has enough for another night in a motel and decent food.

The second week is much worse. It seems like people have lost interest in booze and sex. Even the bartender in Cas' favourite joint complains.

A few blowjobs is not enough and by the end of the week, Cas is starving. That's when he remembers the soft bed in Dean's house and pancakes with bacon.

The bartender shoots him a sad smile when she's locking the back door. He helped her with cleaning and she gave him a free burger. She says that if her mother knew she was helping out a hooker, she would kill her.

"Good night, Jo," he smiles back at her.

"Good night, Cas. Be safe."

When she leaves, he leans against a wall. He shuts his eyes and lets the world drift away.

_"Hello, sunshine."_

_Cas opens his eyes to see a tall scrawny guy. His short beard and receding hair are dark_ _and peppered_ _with gray. His thin lips are curled up in a sly smile._

 _Cas wishes he could tell him to fuck off,_ _but he can't, not_ _today. Even if he_ _is_ _the creepiest guy under the sun. He doesn't have the luxury._

_So he grins at him. "Give me fifty and I'm yours." He reaches into the back pocket of his jeans and pulls out a condom, he holds it up. "But only with this."_

_The guy smirks, then he knocks the condom out of Cas' hand._

_"You're not the one making rules here, sweetheart." The way he_ _speaks_ _makes Cas' skin crawl._

 _"You know what? Actually I am." He pushes himself away from the wall, ready to get away as fast as possible, but a bony hand grabs his shoulder and s_ _hoves_ _him back against the wall._

 _"What the hell are you doing?" Cas shouts, trying to shove the man's hand away. The guy grabs Cas' wrist. Cas tries to jerk away, but_ _his_ _grip is like steel._

_"Let me go, you fucker!"_

_The_ _punch to_ _his face makes him stumble, but the guy doesn't let him fall. He grabs the back of Cas' head and slams the boy face first against the wall. The pain ignit_ _e_ _s fireworks behind Cas'_ _eye_ _lids. He feels hot wetness dripping down his temple._

_"No," he breathes out, struggling against the body that keeps him pinned to the wall. But the other man is too strong, too big._

_"NO!" he cries out when he feels rough hands on his hips._

_The man grabs a fistful of Cas' hair and yanks his head back. His hot breath, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, brushes Cas' cheek,_ _as_ _he hisses: "Shut your mouth, you little cunt, or I'm gonna strangle you."_

_Castiel lets out a sob, he feels tears pooling in his eyes and he hates himself for it._

_He doesn't fight when he feels his pants being tugged down. He just tries to brace himself for the upcoming pain._

_The guy leans against him, his erection pressing against Cas' ass._

_"You filthy whore. You should pay me, for fucking something like you. You worthless shit."_

_That's what pours new wave of defiance into Cas'_ _veins_ _. He screams and kicks and bites and claws, even thought it only earns him more beating. He'd rather die than let this creep have him_ _, but_ _that's not gonna happen. He's not strong enough to win_ _this_ _fight and not weak enough to at least lose his consciousness. That would be a blessing, but he's not that lucky. He feels everything._

\----

Dean can't fall asleep tonight. It's been a shitty day. A customer yelled at him at the garage and Sam called to say he can't come to visit him this weekend. So Dean decided to drown his thoughts in beer and watch Dr Sexy.

When he finally dozes off, the doorbell rings. He wakes up with a start and looks around disoriented. For a moment he's convinced the sound was only in his dream, then he hears it again. His heart is racing when he gets up and walks to the door. Something bad must have happened and his head presents him with a barrage of tragic scenarios, but what he sees when he opens the door wasn't among them.

The boy, Castiel, is leaning against the doorframe, looking like he's been dragged through hell. There's drying blood on the side of his head, his lip is split and his cheek is bruised and swollen. He's cradling his left hand against his chest like it's broken, his knuckles and nails are bloodied.

"What the hell happen to you?" Dean bursts out.

"Some jerk didn't want to pay," Cas rasps.

"Son of a bitch! I'll take you to the hospital."

Cas' eyes go wide. "No! Please, don't. I don't wanna go to the hospital."

"But Cas-"

"Dean, no." The boy shakes his head vehemently. "You have no idea how they'd treat someone like me. I can't go there. I can't."

"Okay, okay, just... come in." He opens the door to let Castiel in.

He watches Cas take every step carefully and his heart drops when the boy hisses in pain.

"Cas, did he... did he-" he can't even let the word out of his mouth.

"Yes, he did." The look in Cas' big blue eyes makes Dean feel like the wind was knocked out of him. He feels helpless and guilty. He should have never let the kid leave.

"Shit," he breathes out. "Cas, you need... you really need to go to the hospital. And we should tell the police-"

"Dean, stop!" There are tears in Cas' eyes and it makes Dean's throat constrict.

"You don't get it, do you? I'm a hooker. What do you think the police will say?" He takes a shaky breath and his lower lip is quivering. He looks so small. It makes Dean angry, he wants to find the guy who did this to him and rip his lungs out. He steps closer to Cas instead and hates the way the boy flinches.

"It's okay, I'll take care of you." With the promise, he drapes Cas' arm around his shoulder and wraps his arm around Cas' waist. The boy leans against him with a pained sigh.

He helps him get into the bathroom and doesn't leave when Cas starts to take his clothes off.  The anger rises in him again when he sees the bruises on Cas' ribs. He swears under his breath as he searches the bathroom cabinet for the first aid kit.

When he turns around, Castiel is standing there, naked, staring at the bathtub.

"Let me help you," Dean says softly before he touches Cas' elbow tentatively. He helps him into the bath and sets the water to the right temperature, then he closes the curtain.

He prepares some bandages and band aids, then he realizes, that the sound of the water is too steady.

"Cas?" he calls, stepping closer to the curtain. He wants to ask if Cas is okay, but he swallows the question, realizing how stupid it is. Of course he's not okay.

"Are you done?" he asks instead and when he doesn't get an answer, he slowly opens the curtain. Castiel is sitting there, legs pulled to his chest, his arms wrapped around them, one hand clutching the showerhead and forehead resting on his knees. There's still blood on his face.

"Come on, you need to get cleaned up." Dean tries to sound soothing, but it's hard with the lump in his throat.

"I'm gonna help you, okay?" he lands a gentle hand on Cas' shoulder and when the kid doesn't flinch away, Dean gets a sponge and starts to rub Cas' back. There are red fingerprints around Cas' neck that make Dean's blood simmer in his veins. If only he could get his hands on the bastard who did this.

Castiel seems to relax a bit. He lifts his head and washes the soap from his back himself.

Dean carefully cleans Cas' temple, relieved when he finds out that the cut isn't deep. He proceeds to wash Castiel's hair while the boy scrubs his hands. After Dean rinses the shampoo out of his hair, Castiel looks up at him and reaches for the showerhead. "Thank you, I can continue myself." His voice is so weak it almost gets lost in the sound of water. Dean nods and leaves to find Cas some clothes.

When he helps Cas out of the bathtub and the kid gets dressed, Dean treats all cuts and scratches with antibiotic cream and bandages them. He also bandages Cas' wrist, that doesn't seem to be broken but it still hurts and is swelling rapidly. There´s a tattoo that Dean didn´t notice before, half swallowed by the bruising, but the flower is still visible. Beautiful and intact and Dean can only hope it might be a symbol of Cas´ soul, unbreakable despite what happened to the body. But he can´t be sure yet, he doesn´t know what impact will the assault have on Cas´ psyche.

 

At last he hands Cas some painkillers and a glass of water. Castiel takes them without a word.

\---

Dean leads him into the guest room. It's the same as the last time Cas was here. He lets Dean help him into the bed. The sheets are soft against his skin and they smell clean and it's the last thing Castiel deserves. He deserves to die in a gutter. He deserves to be thrown away like the trash he is. He shouldn't have come here, he shouldn't have bothered Dean. Dean's a good man, willing to help even a dirty whore like Castiel. It only makes Cas want to crawl out of his skin even more. He hates himself, he hates every piece of his filthy body, every minute of his ruined life. He tries with all the strength left in him to keep silent, to not cry before Dean leaves the room. But it's stronger than him and right when Dean opens the door, an ugly sob breaks out of Cas' mouth and the boy starts to weep, shoulders shaking with every hard sob.

Dean is by his side again, saying something Cas doesn't hear but the tone of his deep voice is soothing. The man lays his big warm palm on Cas' shoulder. Cas' hands find Dean's shirt and cling to him. He's still sobbing when Dean lowers himself onto the edge of the bed, but he calmed down enough to understand his words now.

"It's okay, Cas. It's okay," the man is saying. But it's a lie. Nothing is okay, nothing ever will be okay. Castiel shakes his head vehemently, not giving a damn about the pain it stirs in his temples.

"I shouldn't have-" he stutters, "I shouldn't have left." He should have taken Dean's offer. If he hadn't been so stupidly proud, this wouldn't have happened.

"I should have fought him better!" he cries out, looking at Dean through his tears.

"I should have... I should-" He can't even say all the things he should have done differently. He should have begged Michael for forgiveness. He should have pretended he was a good Christian boy.

Dean's voice snaps him out of his thoughts.

"Cas, look at me. Look at me!" He grabs Cas' chin and makes him look up. The boy sniffs and blinks away the tears.

"It's not your fault. What he... what he did to you. None of it is your fault. I swear if I could find the bastard I would-" there's a dangerous sparkle in Dean's eyes but it disappears when he shakes his head.

"But you're safe now, okay? I won't let anyone hurt you again, I promise, Cas. Do you trust me?"

Cas stares into Dean's face with his mouth half open, disbelieving. He doesn't understand why is Dean doing this, but he feels that he can't help but trust him.

He nods. And then his body moves on its own, leaning against Dean. He wraps his arms around Dean's wide shoulders and sobs quietly into his shirt. Dean hesitates, but then he pulls Cas closer, rubbing his back soothingly.

Cas doesn't want to think. He doesn't want to think about the fact that it's the first time he's been this close with someone. Sex doesn't count, it's miles away from this, at least for Castiel. He doesn't want to think about the last time somebody took care of him, the last time he _let_ somebody take care of him. He just wants to bask in the warm feeling. He wants to let himself be small, weak and needy.

 

Dean holds him until the boy calms down. By then, Castiel is almost asleep on Dean's shoulder. Dean lays him down and tucks him into the bed.

When he leaves the room, he leans heavily against the wall, throwing his head back. "What the hell did you get yourself into, Winchester?"

 

Castiel wakes up disoriented and sore. His face is swollen, his hand hurts and when he tries to move, his ribs give him hell. Not to mention other places he's sore and the sleazy feeling under his skin and in his stomach is back, making him want to escape out of his own body.

He's curled in fetal position staring at the flowery wallpaper when Dean knocks on the door and enters.

He half expects enthusiastic wakey wakey like the first time he'd slept here, but Dean's voice is much softer this time.

"Hi, how are you?"

"Peachy," Cas breathes out, then he realizes that he shouldn't be mean to Dean. He practically saved him. Castiel still can’t understand Dean's reasons for letting him stay, but it doesn't matter now.

"I brought you breakfast," says Dean and Cas turns to see him holding a tray.

His stomach twists and he groans.

"Dean, I don't wanna be ungrateful, but I'm sure I can't eat right now."

"You have to try. At least drink the juice. Breakfast is important."

Cas rolls his eyes but can't fight back the small smile that curls up his lips. He sits up, groaning, pressing his good hand to his side.

"The ribs, right?" Dean gives him a sympathetic look. "I had my ribs broken when I was fifteen, it sucked."

Castiel raises one eyebrow while Dean puts the tray on his lap.

"What happened?" he asks.

Dean grins at him. "I got into a fight. Broke the other guy's nose, but then I fell down the steps."

"Ouch," Cas flinches, then he sips his juice. His stomach doesn't feel as uneasy as he expected.

Dean sits on the edge of the bed and watches Cas eating cinnamon rolls with his left hand.

"You hurt your wrist when you hit him, right?"

Cas nods, not looking at Dean. He doesn't want to talk about last night, he doesn't want to think about it, to remember anything.

"If you want, I'll teach you how to hit someone without hurting yourself."

Cas looks up, surprised. He examines Dean's face for a moment, then he drops his eyes again.

"Dean," he starts, but the words get stuck in his throat. He swallows around the lump and tries again.

"Does your offer... can I stay?" He can't force himself to look at the older man. He's sure Dean will send him away as soon as he's able to walk.

"Are you serious? I'd rather chain you to bed than let you leave again!"

Castiel lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

"Thank you, Dean."

The green-eyed man smiles at him and pats his shoulder. Eat your breakfast, take a rest. If you need something, just call. When you feel better come down. I called in sick at work so we can… arrange things." He gets up, but Castiel grips his wrist, looking up at him.

"Why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Helping me."

"Because somebody has to."

Cas presses his lips together and shakes his head.

"Okay, I can tell you the other reason, but last time I started with my tragic backstory, you told me to shove it up my ass." There's humor in his voice, but Cas' chest tightens with guilt anyway.

"I was being stupid," he answers quietly. Dean sits down.

"When I was young, I had to take care of myself and my little brother. I didn’t... I never did the things you do, but I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. Then somebody helped me. I think I'm giving back this way."

Cas starts to say something but Dean cuts him off with a raised hand.

"You're not my charity case. I'm not doing it to feel better. I'm doing it because I simply couldn't leave a young boy on a street."

"But I'm... I'm a mess, Dean! And I ruined lives of everyone who ever..."

Dean silences him again.

"I don't care what you are. Everybody can change. Eat your breakfast." With that he gets up and leaves the room.

 

Cas eats one and a half of a cinnamon roll and drinks the juice, then he puts the tray away. He doesn't want to move and he definitely doesn't want to get up, but he wants to show that he's not as useless as he seems. He gets up, moaning. Every pang of pain reminds him of strong dirty hands on his body. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to will the memories away.

His duffle bag is lying on the floor next to the bed, Dean must have put it there when Cas was sleeping.

He changes into his own clothes. The most modest he owns - cut off shorts and white tanktop.

He puts on eyeliner, make up has been his armor since he's left home and he needs it right now. He runs his hand through his hair, but doesn't try to make it look less messy, he's given up this battle long time ago.

 

When he comes down, he hears Dean talking to someone. It must be a phone call since he doesn't hear another voice.

He freezes at first, then decides to stay hidden behind the corner at the bottom of the stairs and listens.

"He doesn't want to go to the police… yes I know… he’s a hooker, Sam. I don't know about you but I can understand why he doesn't... no! I didn't, for fuck's sake, Sam, of course I didn't!"

There's silence while the other man is talking. Cas strains his ears, heart beating fast against his breast bone.

"Sam, calm down. I know what I’m doing. You'd have to see him. He's just a lost, young boy."

Another heavy silence, then Dean sighs.

"When Bobby looked at me fifteen years ago, he didn't see just a high school drop out and a pickpocket. He saw a homeless boy with a kid brother and he helped us. I'm gonna do the same, no matter what."

Cas almost swallows his heart when Dean's voice comes closer.

"Okay, I promise I won't let him screw me over, okay? Fine. You too. Bye, bitch."

Castiel hears shuffling in the room and takes a deep breath, bracing himself before he steps into the living room. Dean turns to face him with a smile that fades when he sees what's Cas wearing.

Maybe he's finally realizing that he invited home a hooker.

"You're up," he says, trying hard to sound positive.

"Yeah," Castiel runs his hand through his hair. "I didn't want to just laze around."

"I told you it's okay if you take a rest," Dean says. Cas feels his eyes on the bruises that bloom all over his exposed skin.

"We need to arrange things, you need to tell me what I'm supposed to do."

Dean nods and rubs the back of his neck.

"Okay, fine, but what if we go to buy you some clothes first? If you're comfortable with going out," he adds. Castiel slowly starts to hate how caring Dean is trying to be. He's a hooker who was beat up by his john, that doesn't make him a delicate flower or a damsel in distress.

"What's wrong with my clothes?" he growls and Dean looks up at him with surprise in his eyes. Castiel is used to people not expecting such a deep and husky voice from a twink like him, so he just keep staring at Dean, demanding an answer.

Dean's eyes roam over his body. Another thing he's used to. He just needs to remind himself that Dean's not interested.

"Well, I don't want to offend you, but I don't think it's clever to run around dressed up like some perv's wet dream."

Castiel huffs out a breath. "You just don't want your neighbours to know that you're sheltering a hooker."

Dean squares his shoulders and frowns. "I just want you to be safe. Besides, tell me how this," he points at Cas' shorts. "Can be comfortable."

"Do you really care about my comfort or do you care because it makes _you_ uncomfortable?" Cas retorts.

Dean groans and throws his head back.

"Can you just stop being so defensive? I'm trying to be kind, but it's really hard when you find a problem with everything I say... things I didn't even really say too!"

Cas deflates a bit and averts his eyes.

"Please, Cas, stop expecting me to have a problem with you being gay." Dean steps closer and tilts his head until he makes Cas look at him. Castiel keeps pouting for a moment, then he lets out a breath.

"Okay, I'd be stupid if I rejected free clothes."

Dean chuckles and grabs his car keys.

"Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Iron and Wine (if you figure out why, you deserve a cookie)


	3. Safe and Sound

It's harder than Castiel expected. It's okay in the car, safe, but the moment they get out Cas feels the claws of anxiety clutch at his chest.

"You okay, buddy?" Dean asks and squeezes his shoulder. Cas looks up at him and nods with a weak attempt at a smile. It's weird that he doesn't mind Dean touching him, it's actually quite comforting. Maybe it's because there's absolutely nothing sexual behind it, it's just friendly. The last time another man touched Castiel this way was... probably never, if his brothers ever acted like this towards him, he doesn't remember.

They enter the mall. The lights are harsh and there's a lot of people, but it's not crowded. Castiel feels exposed and for the first time his clothes feelinappropriate. He wraps his arms around his torso and follows Dean around.

"So, where to?" the older man asks and Cas looks around.

"Dean, you know these shops are kind of expensive? You should've taken me to a thrift store."

"Hey, don't worry, I'm not as broke as I look. Let's just buy a few nice things. If you want to find a job, you'll need nice clothes."

Cas squints at him, but nods. "Once I have a job, I’ll pay you back, okay?"

"Of course."

 

Dean looks so out of place it makes Cas smile. He's obviously bored, but he tries to look mildly interested when Cas inspects himself in the mirror. He likes how he looks in the dark red, skinny jeans. He thinks his ass looks really nice in them.

"What do you think?" he asks.

Dean rubs his cheek. "Honestly? I don't get your obsession with clothes two sizes too small."

Cas snorts and shakes his head. "Why am I asking for fashion advice from someone who looks like you?"

Dean straightens up, offended. "What do you mean?"

"You dress like a fifty years old trucker, Dean," Castiel answers and turns back to the mirror.

Dean just gapes at him. Cas sighs and looks at him again.

"Seriously, plaid? And what's with all those layers? Are you fat under them or what?"

"What? No! I'm not fat," Dean snaps. "So what do you think I should wear, you…fashionista."

Castiel grins at him. "Let me see."

 

Dean isn't fat. He's actually pretty ripped, even though there's a little pudge around his midsection. Castiel tries not to stare at him too much, while he makes him try several henleys in different colors.

"I like the gray one and the green one. They bring out your eyes."

Dean makes a face, but doesn't protest.

"What about the jeans? Will you buy them?"

"I don't know. They are too tight."

"Oh come on, they're perfect! Don't be afraid to show your booty!"

He regrets saying that the moment the words leave his mouth, as Dean's ears turn bright red.

"I... I didn't mean it like... it won't make you... I mean, girls like it too, you know?" Cas stutters, trying to save the situation and only making it worse.

Dean frowns at him, but doesn't say a word. Cas takes a deep breath.

"I think you're hot, okay? But you made it clear you don't play for my team. I just wanna help you look even better. Girls like men in well fitting clothes too. Ask her!" He points at a young woman passing by.

"What?" she asks, startled.

"Tell him he looks fine in those jeans."

Her eyes roam over Dean's body and she blushes. "Yeah," she sighs, "he looks gorgeous," she answers and her eyes finally meet Dean's. She smiles and bites her lower lip.

Dean winks at her. "Thank you, beautiful."

Castiel rolls his eyes and throws his hands up. "You see?"

 

Both of them buy some clothes that Castiel really likes. He's not sure Dean will actually wear his, but at least he can hope.

After shopping they stop to grab some burgers. When they arrive back at Dean's house, Cas is exhausted but he feels good. Almost happy.

"You look tired, you should take a nap," Dean says as he drops the shopping bags on the floor.

Castiel sighs. "Dean, please, stop that. You can't keep babying me, it makes me feel awful. I need to know I can actually pay you back for all of this," he spreads his arms to include the whole room. "So, please, can we finally agree on the things I'm supposed to do?"

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and nods. "Okay, of course. Sit down, I'll grab myself a beer and we can start."

"Can I have one?"

"Yeah." With that Dean disappears into the kitchen and Castiel sits on the couch. When Dean comes and gives him his beer, he's holding a notepad and a pen. He clinkstheir bottles and takes a sip before sitting down next to Cas, the notepad on his knees.

"Well, I just generally need you to keep the house clean. So vacuuming, cleaning, dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom."

"Okay, write it down."

"Do I really need to write it down?"

Castiel rolls his eyes and snatches the notepad from Dean's hand to write the list himself.

When they're done, they have ten items and how often they should be done.

"Mowing the lawn?" Castiel suggests, but Dean shakes his head.

"I like doing it. It calms my nerves."

"Fine. What else?"

"Can you cook?"

"No. But I can learn!" Cas adds when he sees the disappointed look on Dean's face.

"It's okay, Cas," the older man smiles. "But I'd like you to do grocery shopping, is that okay?"

"Of course. Just tell me what to buy."

"Yeah, I'll make a list for you every time we need something. I can actually do that with other things too. I leave quite early, so if I need something, I'll leave you a note on the fridge, okay?"

"Yeah, awesome," Cas nods, bouncing slightly on the couch. "It's like we're married," he says with a chuckle. Afraid he made Dean uncomfortable, he looks at him, but Dean just smiles softly and gets up to put the list on the fridge.

"There won't be much to do tomorrow. You can explore the house. There might be some boxes with mineand Sam's old clothes in the attic. You can take whatever you want."

"Thanks."

"Other than that, do anything, man. I'll get you your own set of keys after work."

"Okay, but Dean?"

"Hm?"

"You aren't afraid to leave me in your house alone? You barely know me. What if I steal something and run away?"

Dean just cocks an eyebrow. "Would you steal something and run away?"

"No, I'm a prostitute, not a thief."

"Fine. Then I have no reason to be afraid that you might steal something."

Castiel shakes his head, but he can't fight a smile.

"Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Okay, why not." He tries to play it cool, but he actually feels his heart flutter. He hasn't had an opportunity to watch a movie on a comfy couch in ages.

"Do you like Star Wars?" Dean asks, grabbing a remote control.

"Yep, but I've only seen the new ones."

Dean groans and throws his head back.

"Okay, don't ever say that in front of my brother." He points at him with the remote control. “We need to fix this.”

"Well, isn’t it like six hours?" Cas asks with an excited smile.

Dean cocks an eyebrow. "You have somewhere to be?"

Cas huffs out a laugh and shakes his head.

"I just hope I don't fall asleep."

"Don’t you dare!"

 

Castiel thinks that this might be how it feels to have an older brother you get along with. He remembers watching cartoons with Gabriel, but it's so long ago the memory is blurry.

They eat popcorn and drink beer. They come to an agreement that Han Solo is awesome even though they have very different reasons.

"I didn't know he was so hot when he was young," Cas says.

Dean just shrugs. "Well, he still looks good for his age, you know?"

"Good for his age maybe. But he's like... ancient!"

"No, he isn't! Come on, he isn't that old." Dean looks as if it personally offended him. Cas chuckles.

"Yeah he is. And I bet you aren't much younger, are you?"

"Of course I'm much younger than Harrison Ford. For God's sake how old do you think I am?"

"I don't know," Cas bites his lip and gives Dean a once over. "Forty? Forty five?"

"What?!" Dean bursts out with shock clear in his face. Cas tries to keep a serious face but he can't hold it for even a few seconds before he breaks into a full body laugh.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean breathes out exasperated, but Castiel hears a hint of a smile in his voice.

"Oh my god, if you could've seen your face!" Cas is still shaking with laughter.

Dean hits him with a cushion, then he crosses his arms on his chest and turns towards the TV. "Shut up and pay attention."

Cas holds his breath to keep himself from laughing and straightens up, he looks at Dean's face.

"Are you pouting?"

"No."

"Oh yes, you're pouting. Oh my God, I hurt your ego!"

"Will you shut up, so I can watch the movie?" Dean growls and starts to rewind.

Cas snorts and wipes his eyes. "Okay, but tell me how old you are."

"No." Dean pouts again and for a moment Castiel catches himself thinking about his lips. How plump they are, how they would feel pressed to his. He swallows and pushes the thought as far away as he can.

"Come on, Dean, tell me. I won't tell anyone."

"No," he repeats. "You'll say I’m ancient."

"Noooo, Dean, I won't. I know you're not old."

Dean looks at him and this time Cas realizes that his eyes are serious.

"I am quite old, Cas."

Cas sighs. "Thirty isn't old."

"I'm thirty two."

Castiel smiles. Dean looks good for his age. "Oh, you're practically dead!"

This time even Dean can't hold back and bursts into laughter. He punches Cas' shoulder and plays the movie from the point where they stopped paying attention.

"Ouch," Cas breaths out and rubs the place. Dean's eyes go wide when he realizes he hit one of Castiel's bruises.

"Shit, Cas, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I forgot too," he answers with a smile.

 

Between the second and the third movie they take a break to make some pasta with tomato sauce. Dean promises next time it's going to be from scratch, but Cas likes it anyway. His eyelids are heavy when the final part ends, but he's glad he didn’t fall asleep.

"So? Did you like it?" Dean asks.

Castiel yawns and stretches his back. "It wasn't bad."

"Are you kidding me?"

Cas grins. "Of course I am! I wouldn't have spent the last six hours watching something I didn't like."

"Okay. It's awesome, right? Tell me how much you liked it!" Castiel chuckles, realizing that Dean was just as excited that he could introduce him to Star Wars as Cas was to watch it.

"This much!" He says spreading his arms as much as he can eliciting a low chuckle from Dean.

"And now I have to pee," he jumps to his feet and tries not to wince. As he moves, his body suddenly remembers to hurt, but he doesn't want to alarm Dean.

He grimaces at the poster of a half naked girl on the door of the bathroom. He thinks it's good that Dean is straight. If he wasn't, Cas would be in danger of falling in love with him.

When he returns from the bathroom, the living room is dark, only the light above the stairs is on.

"Good night," Dean calls from the top of the stairs.

"Good night, Dean," Cas answers, on the way up. "And thank you. For everything."

Dean's smile, bright even in the dim light, warms Castiel's heart. He pats Cas' shoulder and heads to his bedroom. He stops in front of the door.

"Oh and Cas? If you don't need to, don't go into my room, okay?"

"Okay."

That night Castiel doesn't dream about dark alleys and cruel hands on his body. 

 

The house seems cold and too big without Dean.

Cas crawls out of bed around ten. He takes a shower in the hope that it will wake him up, but it doesn't. His wrist still hurts so he bandages it again. He spends a few minutes just staring at himself in the mirror. The bruises and scratches bloom in all colors on his pale skin. He's skinny. He likes being skinny, but he can count his ribs and that's not good. He thinks about the burgers and the promise of tomato sauce made from scratch and smiles. He puts on Dean's old t-shirt, because he doesn't want to ruin one of the new ones and heads to the kitchen. There's a coffee and a box of cereals with a post-it note on it: Eat breakfast.

Cas smiles and pours himself a coffee. He studies his to-do list and plans his day.

 

When he's done, the house is shining clean and he's pretty proud of himself. Working with his hands is relaxing, it clears his mind and doesn't leave a space for dark thoughts. He looks at the clock and finds out that it's only three in the afternoon. Dean said he would be home around seven. Cas tries to watch TV for a while but he feels too restless. He decides to examine Dean’s bookshelves. He noticeda lot of titles he might be interested in when he was dusting. He ends up with a small pile of books he wants to read, hoping Dean won't mind. Around five he realizes he's hungry and fixes himself a bowl of cereal. He wonders if it counts as breakfast. He washes the bowl and makes himself fresh coffee. With the mug in his hands and a book under his arm, he heads to his room. _His room_ , it sounds awesome. There's still fear curling in the pit of his stomach, fear that he will wake up from this dream to the nightmare which was his life only days ago. He’s determined to enjoy each and every minute of it. As he passes the door to Dean's bedroom, he remembers what Dean said last night. It's understandable that his host wants to have some privacy, but to be honest, it only stirs Castiel's curiosity. There's so many things he doesn't know about Dean. He should probably try to fix it next time they have a conversation. He sips his coffee and smiles at the memory of last night. He remembers what Dean said about the attic and decides it's a good idea.

The attic is dark and dusty, filled with cardboard boxes. Castiel immediately loves it. Most of the boxes aren't labeled and those that are feel like he'd need a permission to rummage through them. One of them is labeled PHOTOS and one BEN. He doesn't know whoBen is, but Dean only talked about his and Sam's clothes, so he doesn't open that one either. He figured out that Sam is Dean's younger brother. He even saw some photos of a really tall man, with floppy hair that he assumed might be Sam, but he still wonders what the guy is actually like. Judging by the phone call they're still close and Sam doesn't approve of Castiel staying in Dean's house. Cas doesn't blame him, it's just a sign that Sam cares about his brother. He sighs, trying not to think about his own brothers - one who left him and one who kicked him out.

He focuses on the boxes and finds two filled with toys, a few full of audio and video tapes and some with papers that look like old notes and textbooks. He just starts getting bored when he finds the posters. They are sun-bleached with frayed edges, used, well-loved. Most of them are girls and cars (Cas puts those away) but there are some with bands and movies too. Castiel treats them like treasure imagining a young Dean's room. He chooses some of them, planning to ask Dean if he can decorate the guest room with them. He's smiling when he finally finds the old clothes Dean talked about. The first thing he finds and immediately falls in love with is a hand-knitted sweater. It doesn't even look worn. Cas laughs under his breath when he imagines Dean wearing it. He probably received it from some relative and hated it. Castiel places the sweater next to the posters he wants to keep. It's followed by some band shirts and torn jeans. On the bottom of the first box is a brown leather jacket. Castiel can't imagine himself wearing it, but he likes it, he likes the smell of it. He knows Dean wears a similar one, but it's not like this, it lacks… personality. Castiel puts it back and opens another box. These clothes must have belonged to Sam, because they're far too big for Cas even though they're old.

* * *

 

Dean finds him in the guest room buried under piles of ancient stuff.

"I see you found something you like." The boy looks up at him and smiles. Dean's heart clenches at the sight. Cas looks so young like this with his hair ruffled and eyes sparkling. He's also not wearing the terrible make-up today.

"Yeah, I found some clothes!" Cas says, and stands up to show him the shirt he's wearing. It's not an actual band shirt, but hand made one, Dean drew the Zeppelin emblems himself.

Dean chuckles. "Wow, I haven't seen that one since I was like sixteen."

Cas looks at himself and frowns. Dean doesn't have to ask to know what he's thinking. He's older than Dean was when he wore the shirt, but it's a little bit too loose on him.

"What the hell did they feed you and your brother when you were young?" Dean laughs, but Cas continues. "Was it dog food? You know, the kind for large breeds."

Dean forces himself to stop laughing, which is hard because Castiel looks honestly exasperated by the fact that someone can be so huge.

"I did a lot of odd jobs. Helped my dad with cars. That's why I was a bit broader at the shoulders. I also did wrestling for a while."

Castiel's eyes widen with interest. "Ugh, really?"

"Yeah. And I wasn't bad. Maybe you should try to work out."

Cas makes a disgusted face. "I don't think I'd like it."

Dean shrugs. "I just thought picking up a sport might help you."

Castiel drops his eyes to his bandaged wrist and yet again it's not hard to guess what he's thinking about.

"I used to like running," he says somehow shyly, fidgeting with a hem of an ugly sweater that's laying on the bed.

"Okay. Running is good. But you'll need to eat more. Did you eat breakfast?"

"Uhm," Castiel rubs the back of his neck avoiding Dean's eyes.

"You didn't." Dean sighs.

"I did! Well technically. I ate the cereal, but it wasn't in the morning."

"What else did you eat?"

This time he doesn't get any answer at all.

"Come on, Cas, tell me a bowl of cereal isn't all you've eaten all day?"

Cas lets out an exaggerated sigh. "I'm not used to eating much."

"Yeah, because you couldn't. Now you can eat as much as you want, so you will eat, capisce?" Dean realizes how harsh and demanding his tone is when he notices Castiel's expression. Lips pressed into a thin line, shoulders squared, he's glaring at him with a defiant glint in his eyes.

Dean grits his teeth and stares back. He's not gonna lose a staring contest with a teenager, he's had so many of them in his life that he's become a champion.

"Capisce," Cas says eventually in the weird voice of his, too deep and husky.

Dean's face breaks into a grin. "Okay, kiddo. I'm gonna fix us some dinner, wanna help?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift


	4. God Was Never On Your Side

To Dean's relief, the grumpy expression leaves Cas' face as soon as he's given instructions to wash and chop the vegetables.

"So, what did you do all day?" he asks while preparing the meat.

"Pretty much everything on the list," Cas says, focused on his task. Dean gapes at him.

"Are you kidding? I told you some of the chores don't have to be done every day."

Cas just shrugs.

"I know. But it looked like they hadn't been done in a while so I thought I might as well do them all. Besides there wasn't much to do."

"Yeah, right. That reminds me- " he washes his hands and grabs his bag lying on the table. "I brought you something."

Cas turns to him with a questioning look. Dean rattles a bunch of keys. Castiel smiles and reaches for them.

"Thank you."

"You can go out tomorrow." Castiel frowns at the keys but doesn't say a thing.

"But you should take this with you," Dean continues and hands him a phone. Cas shoots him a surprised look.

"I hope you don't mind that it's not the newest model." Cas shakes his head and clutches the phone.

"Thank you, Dean," his voice is so low Dean almost doesn't catch it.

"You're welcome. My number's already saved in it. Don't hesitate to call me if anything happens. Anything, Cas."

Castiel nods, apparently still taken aback. He doesn't look up from his hands clutching the phone and the keys as he speaks.

"I still don't get why you're doing this."

"Do I need to have a reason? Wasn't anyone ever kind to you without ulterior motives?"

He realizes he's made a mistake when Castiel shakes his head and his heart skips a beat. He wants to hug the boy, but it could make him uncomfortable. He opts to ruffling his hair instead, which earns him a snort. Cas grins at him and they return to their work.

 

The Chilli con Carne is bubbling on the stove and Dean is cleaning the kitchen, humming softly, when Cas clears his throat.

"So uhm, I found some posters in the attic. Can I keep them?"

"Sure," Dean answers and drapes a dishtowel over the back of a chair.

"Uhm, thanks." The boy shuffles around, staring at the floor. It's obvious he wants to talk about something but doesn't know how.

"Spit it out," Dean urges, grabbing himself a beer.

"I uhm... it's nothing I just... I realized I don't know much about you."

Dean nods and takes a sip. "Question for question?"

Cas nods and hops on the kitchen counter, Dean draws himself a chair and sits down.

"You first."

Cas chews his lip, taking a moment to think. "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a mechanic."

"That explains the obsession with cars."

"Hey, I'm not obsessed!"

"There's more pictures of cars in your house than of your family," Cas says and Dean knows he's just teasing, but he feels all the color leave his face.

Castiel must've noticed because he looks alarmed. "Shit, did I say something wrong? I'm sorry I just-"

Dean silences him with a raised hand. "It's my turn."

Cas shuts his mouth with an audible snap.

"How long have you been on the street?"

Cas averts his eyes and runs his hand through his hair. "I was eighteen when Michael kicked me out, so it’s a little over a year."

Dean nods and stands up to stir the chili.

"Where does Sam live?"

"In Cali. Didn't you try to find some other family members?" He should probably go easy on the boy, but it was his idea to get to know each other, and he asked Dean not to handle him with kid gloves.

"As far as I know, my grandparents are dead. I might have some aunts and uncles but I don't know them. I have another brother but he left when I was a kid and… it wasn't like I really had the means to find someone."

"You can try now. I can ask Sammy to help, if you want."

Cas rubs the back of his neck and shakes his head. "I don't know. I don't think Gabriel would like it if I got in touch. He left and I never heard a word from him. Why would he want to talk to me _now_?"

"Because you're in trouble. Maybe he'd care if he knew."

Cas heaves a heavy sigh. "I don't know. I'll think about it."

"Okay. Go on."

"Why did you have to take care of yourself and your brother?" Here come the serious questions.

"My mom died when I was four. Dad didn't cope very well. He drank too much, couldn't keep a job. He wasn't at home much... well, we actually never stayed in one place long enough to call it home." Dean doesn't look at Cas, he doesn't want to see the pitying look he's sure he's being given. He hears him letting out a heavy sigh though.

"Dean, that's terrible." Dean lifts one corner of his lips in a bitter half-smile and nods. "Yeah, it was. But we survived. Sam turned out well, he's a badass lawyer with an apple pie life and I... I'm okay."

"But you're not happy." It's not a question and it startles Dean a bit, making something in his chest twist.

He doesn't know what to say. What does it even mean to be happy? He's alright, he has everything he needs. He gets a bit lonely sometimes, that's true, but it's not like he's alone. Maybe his life isn't exactly what he imagined it would be, but it could've ended up much worse.

"I'm content," he says eventually. When he looks at Cas, there's something wild and indefinable in his eyes. Dean doesn't try to decipher it. He's afraid it would make him think too much.

"Your turn," Cas says softly.

"Uhm, yeah," Dean rubs his forehead. "So how did it happen? How did you end up on the street? You said your brother kicked you out but… why?"

Cas sighs and shuts his eyes, diving into the memory. He grips the edge of the counter so tight his knuckles turn white and Dean regrets asking. He should give the kid a break, he's stressed enough without Dean's prying.

“I… I rebelled. My family was very… strict, there was a lot of rules to obey and I tried. I knew that Michael blamed himself for losing Gabriel and he wanted me to be better. And I tried, I did, but it was too much and I snapped. I did everything Michael didn't want me to do. And it felt good, because for the first time I felt like myself. Like I wasn't just Michael’s puppet." Cas smiles, it's soft and mirthless. "When Michael found me with a boy in my bed, it was the last straw. He told me that if I wanted to be free I could be. He quoted the Bible at me, compared me to Lucifer." Castiel chuckles and it breaks Dean's heart a little.

“I… I could've begged for forgiveness. But I was stubborn. I though I could take care of myself. But it was harder than I thought. Bad things happened and then it was too late." Cas sniffs and Dean realizes that there are tears in his eyes. "Michael wouldn't take me back now. I'm corrupted, filthy. In his eyes I'm someone who deserves to go to hell." He tries to laugh but it comes out as a broken sob and then he's crying.

"No, no, please, don't cry." Dean steps closer, uncertain of what to do. He was never good with tears.

"You're not. Cas, you're not filthy or a lost case or whatever you think. Michael is a dick for kicking you out. That's not how you take care of your younger sibling. That's not what family does." Cas sobs loudly and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. Dean grabs his shoulders, making him look up.

"Whatever mistakes you made, it's never too late to change, to do things right. You're here and you're not alone anymore. I promise I'll help you." Cas blinks at him, his eyes look incredibly blue when filled with tears.

"Thank you," he rasps. Dean smiles and squeezes his shoulders lightly. He's about to say that it was enough questions for a day and they should eat, but Cas is faster.

"You said you did things you're not proud of. What were they?"

Dean sighs and lets his hands drop to his sides. "Dad taught me to hustle pool when I was fourteen, but sometimes it wasn't enough. Sometimes he disappeared for days and barely left me any money. Sam was so small, he couldn't deal with hunger like I could. So I tried shoplifting. I only took what we needed." He makes a pause to take a breath, his throat feels too tight.

Castiel breaks the silence. "I could never make myself take anything from somebody else. I found it easier to let them take something from me."

Dean gives him a sad smile. "I think that makes you a better person than me."

Cas shakes his head. "No. You're a good man, Dean."

Dean huffs out a breath. "Well, I did a lot of other stupid things, but that's a story for another day. I think dinner is ready."

Cas smiles at him, still a bit teary. He hops off the kitchen counter, entering Dean's personal space. He leans closer and presses a soft kiss to Dean's cheek. "Thank you, Dean."

He slips away before Dean can collect himself and starts setting the table.

 

They eat mostly in silence, only interrupted by Castiel's moaning and words of praise. He looks like the chilli is the best meal he's eaten in his whole life. Dean thinks that he has to make him burgers one day.

"So, what are we watching tonight?" Cas asks when he's washing the dishes.

"Yeah uhm, I actually wanted to just watch Dr. Sexy tonight and go to bed early."

Castiel looks at him with raised eyebrow.

"Dr. Sexy? You watch Dr. Sexy?"

"Yeah. I… fuck, it's a guilty pleasure, okay?" He tries to ignore the fact that his cheeks are getting hot with embarrassment.

"Dean, are you sure you're straight?"

"What?" Dean almost chokes on air. "It's not like I'm attracted to him! He's hot of course, but I like him like a... like a role model, okay?"

"Of course, Dean." Cas turns away to rinse the plate he's holding, but the smirk on his lips gives away that he doesn't believe him.

Dean lets out an exasperated sound and leaves to turn the TV on.

 

"You know, it would be much more interesting if he fucked the intern." Cas says, chewing popcorn, legs propped on the coffee table. Dean reaches into the bowl placed in Cas' lap and brings a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"I think it's pretty obvious he's not gay, Cas. With all the chicks he's screwed," he says while munching.

"You ever heard of the word bisexual? Wouldn't it make him even sexier if he screwed literally everyone?"

"Ugh. I... I can't imagine that." He doesn't say in front of Cas, that he always thought that guys who do it with men AND women are those who don't want to admit they're gay and cheat on their wives. Then there are threesomes but that's something different, isn't it?

Cas snorts. "Yeah, I bet you can't." That's all they say on the topic, but it leaves Dean feeling like he was just called a narrow minded idiot. He realizes that even though they get along well, there might be a huge gap between him and Cas. Not because of who they sleep with, but because of the way they see the world. Cas is young and even though he's been through much more than he should have at his age, he still has a whole life in front of him. So many chances, so many options he can explore. He can still spend years and years just finding himself. Dean never really had the chance and then it was too late.

When he bids him good night, Cas stays on the couch, reading.

 

When the scream wakes him up, Dean's disoriented. He expects to be in Bobby's house with Sam next to him thrashing under the covers and crying in his sleep, tormented by nightmares. But he's alone, sitting in an empty bed with his heart beating fast. Only when he hears it again does he remember that he has a guest. He runs into the guestroom to find Cas. He's grunting and moaning, forehead wrinkled with concern and covered in sweat. He's tossing and turning, throwing his arms inthe air, as if fighting an invisible enemy. Dean grabs him by a shoulder and shakes him a bit.

"No!" Cas moans and tries to wiggle out of his grip.

"Cas, it's me. Wake up. It's just a dream. I got you."

"Get off me!" Cas shouts and Dean takes a step back, confused for a moment. It sounds too much like Castiel is actually talking to him. Then Cas gasps for breath and wraps his arms around himself, his nails digging into his skin.

"No," he whines and Dean feels the hair on the back of his neck stand on the end. "Don't touch me, please!"

Dean tries again. This time he doesn't touch him, but grabs the glass of water standing on the bedside table. He splashes a few drops on Castiel's face. The boy frowns in his sleep, but stops squirming. A few more cold drops and he blinks his eyes open.

"Cas, it's me. Everything's is okay."

"Dean?" it sounds more like a sob. Dean kneels next to the bed, still not sure if it's alright to touch him. Castiel is shaking, still curled up on himself.

"It was just a nightmare, Cas. You're safe now."

“I... I thought... it was happening all over again," he squeezes his eyes shut and chokes out another sob.

"It won't happen again, Cas. I promised you that, right?"

Cas nods and starts to sit up, Dean helps him and hands him the glass of water he's still holding. He watches Cas take a small sip.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Cas shakes his head.

"But you should. You went to bed early, because you were tired and I woke you up." His face scrunches up as if he's about to start crying again.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I can still catch enough sleep. Let's go downstairs."

 

* * *

 

Dean makes him hot chocolate and prepares a little nest on a couch for him using pillows and blankets. He turns the TV on.

"It always helps when the TV and lights are on, it's less scary than dark, silent room," he says and Cas looks at him in surprise.

"You suffer with nightmares?"

"Sammy used to have them," he says but Cas knows it's not true, not the whole truth at least.

Castiel thanks him, feeling guilt gnawing at his guts. He doesn't deserve any of this. Dean wishes him good night and for a moment he hesitates as if he wantsto do something, maybe hug Castiel or ruffle his hair as he did before. Castiel looks at him expectantly, but then it's gone, Dean shakes himself and heads to the stairs.

 

Cas watches stupid late night TV and sips his hot chocolate. He feels drained but is too scared to close his eyes in case the nightmare - no, the memories come back.

He falls asleep eventually when the sky behind the windows starts to lighten.

When he wakes up, the TV and lights are off and the sun is bright. Dean must have left for work already. Cas turns over and buries his face in the pillow, pulling his blanket closer. He still feels so tired and weak, he's pretty sure his legs won't hold him if he tries to get up. And he doesn't want to get up. It's warm and safe in his cocoon of blankets, the outside world is cold and hostile. He doesn't want to deal with it. Not today, not ever.

When he wakes up again, he's too hot. He kicks the blankets off, but stays lying on his stomach. His shirt is wet with sweat and he's starting to getcold, but he doesn’t care. There's a hollow feeling in his stomach and his bladder is full, but he doesn't care about that either. He doesn't deserve to feel comfortable. He deserves every ache of his body he can feels.

He curls into a fetal position and buries his hands in his hair. He should get up and do something. He has chores to do, he can't let Dean down. Dean, who's so good to him, too good. Dean who will sooner or later realize what a mess Castiel actually is and kick him out. No, Dean wouldn't do that, he's too good for that. He'll let him stay but there will be silent disappointment in his eyes and that will be much more painful, so painful that Cas will leave on his own.

Cas grits his teeth. It doesn't have to happen if Castiel finds the strength in him to get up and do something. He can find a job, do something with his life, maybe go to college. A surge of anxiety overwhelms him. What if he can't? He's not good enough, not skilled enough, not clever enough. What if he fails? It would be too much. After everything he's messed up, he can't, he simply can't take any more failure, it would break him. He knows he should try, but the idea of failing is too terrifying, it already makes him want to cry.

No, it's much easier if he just keeps it this way. He's scum and that's all he'll ever be.

The only thing he can do is not dragother people down with him. Yes, that's what he's going to do. He'll take his things, maybe one of the books he wanted to read. Dean will be mad anyways, so he may as well steal one book, right? Then he'll leave. Skip towns, because Dean would probably try to find him. Yes, Dean with his hero complex and strong hands and beautiful eyes. He should get as far from him as he can before he ruins his life, because that's what he does.

He crawls out of his nest and heads to the bathroom, dragging his feet. His whole body feels heavy, his limbs filled with lead and he's sure there's something black and oozy running through his veins instead of blood.

He releases himself and washes his face with cold water. He's determined to leave without a trace (or maybe he should leave a note, saying how grateful he is), but he needs coffee. There's a stack of pancakes waiting for him with a note: your breakfast.

It almost makes him cry. He's sipping his coffee, staring mindlessly into distance, when he hears an annoying sound. He tries to ignore it, but it's too loud and too close. He looks around to see the phone Dean gave him on the table. He frowns at it and looks at the screen. It reads Dean and there's even a picture of him, obviously taken when he didn't expect it.

The phone stops ringing the moment Cas picks it up. He sighs, considering whether he should call back or not when it starts to ring again. This time he answers.

"Dean?" his voice sounds like he hasn't used it in ages.

"Cas? Are you okay?" Dean sounds so alarmed it sends a pang of guilt right through Cas' chest.

"Yeah I just-"

"Did something happen? You sound like you were crying."

Cas blushes with embarrassment. Dean thinks he's a crybaby. And no wonder, he's been crying a lot recently. He clears his throat and tries not to sound like a loser that he is.

"No, I just woke up."

"Seriously? Cas, it's half past twelve."

"Oh."

"Are you sure you're okay? If you feel sick I can take the rest of the day off and take you to a doctor."

"No, Dean, it's okay. I'm just... just tired. I'll be okay."

The line crackles as Dean sighs on the other end. "You sure?"

"Yes, Dean, don't worry."

"Okay. Make sure you eat something. I'll grab us some burgers on the way home."

Cas swallows around the lump in his throat. "That would be great. Have a nice day, Dean."

"You too, Cas."

The silence after he hangs up is suffocating.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Motorhead


	5. Wonderwall

Jo smiles at him when Dean sits on the bar stool.

"Twice the usual to go," he says after they greet each other.

She lifts an eyebrow. "Sam' in town?"

"No, no, I have a friend staying over."

"Oh, and why didn't you bring her here?"

Dean frowns at her. "It's a he actually and-"

"Oh, so you decided to come out of the closet?" she chuckles. The dirty look Dean shoots her doesn't seem to have any effect.

"He's a friend who needed a place to stay, Jo. Shut up and gimme my burgers."

She rolls her eyes and passes the order to the kitchen.

"So, who's this mysterious friend of yours?" she asks as she places a beer in front of him, "I thought I knew all your friends."

Dean sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Always trust a Harvelle not tolet go.

"He's just a kid I picked up off the street when he was in trouble. I'm letting him stay until he can get back on his feet."

She looks at him with a soft smile and fondness in her eyes, as if he's some kind ofhero.

"Don't look at me like that," he huffs out and gulps down half his beer.

"So what's his name? Is he hot? Doeshe need a girlfriend to comfort him?"

Dean chuckles. "Relax, Harvelle, I don't think you'd have much chance with him. He's called Cas, Castiel. Weird name, huh?"

He watches as she freezes and all blood drains from her face.

"Castiel?" she gasps. "Dean, you know the guy is a prostitute?"

Dean grits his teeth and nods. "You know him?"

"Yeah he comes here from time to time, but we're not the right place for... business like his. I give him free food when I can, but I wouldn't invite him home."

"He was beaten and... messed up, Jo. I didn't have any other choice."

"Seriously? What happened?" she asks, eyes wide, face still pale.

"Somebody refused to pay and decided to take what he wanted instead," he says grimly and feels his body tense up with anger, his hands ball into fists.

"Oh no!" she squeals and covers her mouth with both her hands.

"When?" she asks almost inaudibly.

"The day before yesterday."

Her eyes fill with tears and she shakes her head. "No, no," she breathes out.

"Jo, you okay?"

"He was here. That night... he was here, he helped me to close and I left him and... oh my God."

Dean stands up and leans over the counter to place a hand on her shoulder, which shakes under his touch.

"Jo, you couldn't have known. Even if you were there, you wouldn't have been able to  stop it, you would've probably gotten hurt too."

She pouts at him defiantly. "I can take a guy down and you know it, Winchester."

He smiles. That's the Jo he knows and loves.

"Yeah I know. I'm glad you were safe at home when it happened anyway."

She nods and shakes his hand off. "Can I help him somehow?"

"You can come with me. I don't think he's feeling very good today, seeing a friendly face might help him."

"Okay, I’ll tell mom."

"What will you tell me, darling?" Ellen comes from the kitchen with two paper bags and places them in front of Dean.

"Hi, Dean. Don't tell me you're in trouble again and need my daughter to save your bacon."

Dean shakes his head with a bright smile that always appears on his face when he sees her, even though he's always a bit terrified at the same time.

"No, Ellen, my bacon doesn't need saving this time, but our mutual friend is in trouble and staying at my place. I thought he'd like to see Jo."

"Oh, is that so? Then I'll give you another burger and some pie and you can go." She pats Jo's back, before continuing.

"But be careful, Joanna Beth, you know you have a weakness for troublesome boys."

Jo rolls her eyes with a smile. "I don't think you need to worry about this one."

 

"Hey, Jo," Dean stops her in front of the door. "Cas... he uhm, seems to be allergic to pity. So you shouldn't say stuff like how sorry you are, okay?"

"He's a stubborn little shit, I know," she grins and opens the door.

"Surprise!" she yells, but no one answers.

Dean freezes. The house is dark and silent. His heart skips a beat. It suddenly all becomes clear. Cas' weird tone on the phone, how he paused when Dean said he'd bring burgers. He was planning to leave. Castiel is gone. He's gone and Dean feels a hollow feeling settling in his chest. He should have come home and checked on him, he should have stopped him.

Jo turns the light on. The living room is clean. There's not a trace of the boy. Dean half expects a note, but there isn't one. Jo drops the food bags on the coffee table and stomps up the stairs. He follows her like a ghost. His thoughts sound like a broken record, repeating over and over again. That Cas is gone. That he'll get hurt again. That Dean failed in helping him, in keeping him safe.

Then Jo opens the door and light spills out of the guestroom into the dark hallway.

"Hey, Cas," she calls cheerfully and the boy looks at her over his shoulder. He's right there, in his room, pinning some old posters to the flowery walls Dean hates so much.

"Jo?" Cas answers in a small voice, the poster slips from his fingers and falls on the floor. She takes a few fast steps closer and throws her arms around his neck.

The shock on his face slowly fades away and is replaced by a soft smile. He pats her back awkwardly.

"What are you doing here?"

"Dean stopped at the Roadhouse to grab some burgers and told me he's helping some poor guy and I figured out it's you, so I'm here!"

Cas' eyes find Dean leaning against the wall. His relief is so overwhelming he feels weak at the knees. Although his heart is still hammering fiercely.

"You know each other?" Cas asks, eyes narrowed. Dean realizes how much he would miss his confused squints if he had left.

"Yeah, Jo's mother is one of the people who helped me when I needed it the most,“ he says, his voice sounds gruff to his own ears.

“I knew Jo when she wore diapers," he adds with a smile.

"Shut up, old man," she hits his chest playfully and chuckles when he exaggerates the pained noise he makes. He feels warmth spreading through his chest, pushing the tension away. Everything is alright, Cas is here and sharing bright smiles with Jo. 

"We bought burgers and fries and pie. Lets eat." Jo grabs Cas' hand and drags him down the stairs. Dean lets out a sigh. He's happy he brought her with him. She's a a force of nature, but it's exactly what they need right now.

 

"You give the child alcohol?" Jo asks when Dean opens three beers.

"I’m not a child," Cas pouts.

"But you're still underage," she answers and nudges his shoulder with hers.

"And you? You're barely older than me," Cas says, giving her a once over. Dean snorts and bites into his burger, watching Cas hunch his shoulders when Jo places her hands on her hips and gives him a dead stare.

"I’m 25, you dumbass."

Cas' eyes widen and he looks at Dean for confirmation. The older man nods, trying not to laugh.

"You should pay the old lady some respect," he chuckles, saving Cas from being set on fire by Jo's willpower, by drawing her attention to himself.

She sticks out her tongue and grabs her own burger. Cas drops himself on the couch next to Dean and Jo sits on the floor, leaning her back against Dean's legs.

They eat burgers while Jo chatters about her day in the Roadhouse.

"And what about you, Cas? What were you doing all day?"

Dean notices the tension in Cas' shoulders. The boy runs his hand through his hair, avoiding Jo's eyes.

"Uhm, not much. I didn't feel good."

"Hey, it's okay. There wasn't much to do, just the laundry and that can wait another day."

"I did the laundry," Cas says with an expression that Dean can't decipher. Is hehurt because Dean expected him not to have done it, or relieved that Dean found something Cas actually managed to do?

"Great. Then you did everything you were supposed to and after all you did yesterday you deserved some rest."

Cas' lips twitch into a ghost of a smile, but it's chased away by Jo.

"Are you his maid or what?"

Dean grits his teeth. He swears the girl has not a grain of tact. He shoves her with his knee and she shoots him a disgruntled glare.

"I told Cas he can stay if he helps me with the house. It's a fair deal, right Cas?"

He looks at the boy who is sipping his beer. Castiel shakes his head. "Not really. I owe you much more. This is just till I find a job. Then I'll pay you back in real money."

The determination in Castiel's face is not something to argue with.

"Oh, so you're looking for a job? That's great!" Jo cheers. The unspoken _'so you won’t be selling yourself anymore'_ hanging in the air.

"I can ask mom if she needs some help in the Roadhouse, but I doubt it. She can barely pay me and Ash."

"That's okay," Cas smiles, "you don't have to help me."

"But I want to, okay? So are you looking for something already? What would you like to do?"

"Whatever anyone is willing to pay me for." The words make something slimy curl in the pit of Dean's stomach.

"That's what you've been doing up until now, Cas." Dean's voice is sharper than he intended.

"You should try to find something you'll actually like doing."

"But there's nothing I can do!" Castiel snaps. "I have no skill, no knowledge, no experience! And I'm a motherfucking ex-hooker, in case you somehow managed to forget! Who would employ someone like me?"

"With this attitude?"

"Stop you two!" Jo barks out spreading her arms between them as if they were about to pounce at each other.

"Dean, he has a right to be worried. Cas, you need to think positively. There's a lot of jobs you don't need any experience for, as long as you're willing to learn. And I doubt you don't have any skills at all."

Cas opens his mouth, but when he sees Jo's expression, that reminds Dean of her mother so much it's actually frightening, he swallows his retort back.

"I can help you, okay? You can come to the Roadhouse and I'll lend you my laptop. This neanderthal doesn't even have internet in the house."

Cas shakes his head in disbelief, but he's smiling fondly at Dean.

"Gimme your phone number," Jo orders and fishes for her own in her pocket. "You have a phone, right?"

"Yeah, Dean gave me one."

She raises her hand to silence him and frowns at the screen of her cell. "Sorry, I have a text and it's important," she says typing a reply with a frown.

"Oh my God!" she breathes out, dropping the phone into her lap and looking at them with bright eyes and mouth agape.

Dean grabs her shoulder and shakes her. "Breath, Harvelle!"

She slaps his thigh. "I have an awesome idea, you asshole."

"Really? I thought you were having a stroke."

She rolls her eyes and turns to a giggling Castiel.

"You could be a model for art classes. I can arrange that."

Cas' face turns serious. He squints at her, trying to figure out if she's joking or not.

"I'm serious. It wouldn't be very often, just couple of hours a week, but it pays quite well.If you don’t mind being naked in front of people, that is.

Castiel bursts into laughter. It's loud, raspy and utterly mirthless. It gives Dean goose bumps.

"Jo, I used to have sex with strangers for money. If I'm gonna just stand in front of them naked without them touching me, it will be a dream job compared to what I'm used to."

Jo nods and Dean can see in her face how much she's trying not to give him a pitying look.

Cas nudges her side with his food container and smiles at her. "Don’t look at me like that. I mean it. I’ll be really grateful if you can help me get that job."

"But only as a start, Cas, right? You´ll keep searching for something better," she asks worry evident in her tone.

"Of course."

 

Jo stays late. She makes them hot chocolate (which is much better than Dean’s thanks to some spices she uses, but keep secret from Dean) and they play guitar hero.

"Do you know that Dean plays a real guitar?"

"Really?" Cas turns at him with bright eyes. He looks almost happy which makes warmth spread through Dean’s chest. It was a good idea to bring Jo.

"Uh, no, not really."

Cas purses his lips. "What does that even mean? You either can play or not!"

"Okay then, I can play a little."

"Play for us then."

"No," Dean snaps and before he even realizes, he’s in another staring contest with the guy. It’s interrupted by Jo who nudges Cas’s shoulder with a chuckle.

"It’s pointless, Cas. No one ever makes him play."

Cas gives her a smug smile. "Challenge accepted. But not today, I’m tired." With that he flops himself on the couch.

"He’s right, it´s getting late. I should take you home, Jo."

She sighs exaggeratedly. "You guys have no stamina." She leans down to kiss Cas on the cheek.

"I’ll call you, okay?"

"Thanks, Jo."

She beams at him and leaves the room with a jump in her step, slapping Dean’s ass on her way.

Dean huffs out a breath and shakes his head.

"I’ll be right back," he tells Cas who’s having a giggling fit on the couch.

 

Dean returns to a cleaned up living room. All the empty bottles, wrappers, used napkins even the french fries Jo threw at Dean when he was making fun of her are gone. Cas is in the kitchen, washing the mugs.

"You could have left that for tomorrow," he says leaning against the counter.

Cas shakes his head. "Is there something special I have to do tomorrow?"

"No, actually tomorrow is Sunday so I have a day off. I thought we could... I don’t know. Watch more movies, maybe. I can teach you how to cook."

Cas smiles at him, but his eyes are sad and tired.

"That would be awesome." He dries the mugs and puts them into the cupboard.

"Maybe we could..." He swallows and turns to Dean. "I wanted to go running, but... I’d radher if you could go with me. At least for the first time? Show me a good track, I don’t know," his eyes dart away and he tugs at the hem of his shirt.

Dean hates running. He always hated it and he thinks people who run for fun must be crazy. Running is there for when you’re trying to safe your life, there’s many better ways how to clear your head or stay in shape.

"Ugh, I’m not a big fan of running."

"Oh," Cas breathes out disappointed.

"But you know what? I should give it another chance."

"Dean, no. You don’t have to do that."

"I want to. I’m getting out of shape. You’ll probably have to slow down so I can keep up with you. "

Cas chukles and shakes his head. He heads out of the kitchen, but Dean stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, man, are you okay?"

"Yeah I-" he hesitates and takes a deep breath before he continues. "I wasn’t. Most of the day I wasn’t okay. But since Jo came with you, it’s much better."

Dean squeezes his shoulder, grateful that the boy is honest with him. He hopes tomorrow will be better since Cas won’t be alone.

"What about the job? Are you sure you want to do it?"

Cas looks up and his eyes sparkle.

"Yeah. Seriously. It’s not something I wanna do for the rest of my life, but it’s better than... than what I’ve been doing."

"You still have to be naked."

"Yeah, but I’ll be helping to make art. That’s great, isn’t it?" Dean’s lips curl up, mirroring Cas’ warm smile.

"Yeah, it is."

He’s staring into the blue depth of Castiel’s eyes. There’s something in them that affects Dean more than he would dare to admit. Some charm that makes him trust the boy, makes him want to help him, to take care of him, to keep him close. In his eyes Dean can see that under all the dirt, all the mistakes, there’s something pure and thoroughly good in Castiel.

"I thought you’ve left," he says before he can stop himself.

Castiel raises an eyebrow, asking Dean wordlessly to elaborate. "You sounded weird on the phone and when we came, you weren’t in the living room and... I thought you left." His voice is low, the words leaving his chest only reluctantly. But Castiel was honest with him, it’s only fair to do the same, right?

Castiel’s eyes darken, but hold Dean’s gaze. "I wanted to."

Dean’s heart stutters.

"Then you called and I realized I’d disappoint you if I left."

Dean lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

"It’s not like you’re obliged to stay, you don’t owe me anything, Cas. I just want to help you."

"I know. And I know that the best way to show you I’m grateful, is to stay and try to get better."

It leaves Dean breathless. Castiel might be young, but he’s much wiser than Dean would ever expect.

"You’re a good guy, Cas."

The young man shoots him a soft smile. "Maybe one day I’ll believe you. But today I’m off to bed."

Dean laughs and pats his shoulder. "Sweet dreams, buddy."


	6. Simple Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your beautiful comments and kudos! You guys are the best and I'm happy that you enjoy my story!

It's becoming a tradition that when Castiel wakes up in the clean bed in Dean's guestroom, he counts his blessings. The bed itself is the first, the hot shower and breakfast that are waiting for him are next, even though the thought of eating early in the morning still makes him a bit queasy. Looking at the posters _he_ pinned on walls and the stack of books on _his_ bedside table fills him with unexpected joy. He remembers Jo and her promises and feels another emotion filling his chest. Hope. It's so unfamiliar he almost doesn't recognize it. But he's hopeful, he believes, or at least wants to believe that this time things will work out for him, despite the ugly feeling that is still sitting in the pit of his stomach like a cold and heavy stone.

He enjoys their morning run, primarily because he finds grumpy Dean very amusing. The way he feels at the sight of Dean sweaty and panting makes him feel a bit confused, so he chases it away. It gets harder when Dean offers to show him some self-defense techniques. It requires their sweaty bodies pressed together and hands wrapped around each other's wrists. Castiel tries to ignore the heat running down his spine when Deanholds him tight against himself and growls instructions into his ear, his hot breath brushing over the back of Castiel's neck. He stomps on every fantasy that threatens to popup when he's taking a shower afterwards, because this is so wrong. He can't ruin this by being attracted to Dean. Dean, the first man who's been kind to him and hasn't expected sex. Of course when he fantasized about a normal life, it included a boyfriend. Someone nice, clever and caring, which Dean is, but someone his age. Not... not someone so much like his former johns. It's pretty terrifying that he's so similar tothe kind of men that pay a young boy for a few minutes in a dark alley.

He smells of motor oil every time he comes home from work. The fact that it's beginning to turnCas on is infuriating.

He's grumpy and it's as though he's been living under a rock since the early 90s. Sometimes he doesn't talk. He comes home, heats some leftovers inthe microwave and flops himself in front of the TV. When Cas tries for some interaction he's met with clipped answers and annoyed looks that make him feel terrible. Every time that happens he can't help but notice that something is bothering Dean. Not something small and temporary, but something deep, something big. As if there's a wound that never really healed and on the bad days it opens and bleeds. Castiel can't gather enough courage to ask about it yet though.

Dean doesn't seem to have any hobbies besides the stupid car of his. How someone can voluntarily spend hours working on a car, after days spend doing exactly the same is beyond Cas' understanding.

And he drinks too much. Especially on the grumpy days.

 

"You drink too much," Cas says as he snatches the bottle out of Dean's fingers, catching him by surprise.

"What?" Dean barks out, reaching for the beer, but Castiel dodges his grasp.

"I never see you drink anything non-alcoholic and I've noticed you can't fall asleep without a glass of whisky."

"So?"

"So you have a drinking problem, Dean."

The older man snorts and pushes Cas out of his way. "Even if I did have a drinking problem, it wouldn't be any of your business."

Cas grits his teeth and squares his shoulders. This time he won't let Dean brush it off.

He grabs Dean's shoulder with as much strength as he can muster, successfully startling Dean.

"What?" he barks.

"You should let me help," Castiel growls and Dean shakes his hand off.

"I don't have a problem, Cas."

"You do! Something is bothering you and you're trying to bottle the pain up, but it won't work forever."

"As I said, it's none of your business."

"Yes, it is. You insisted on saving me. Let me do the same for you."

Dean shuts his eyes and shakes his head. When he looks at Cas again, the boy tilts his head.

"You don't think you deserve to be saved."

Dean's expression softens, for a moment he looks much younger, like a boy who hurt his knee and is ashamed to tell his mother. Then he clenches his jaw and the moment is gone.

He pushes past Cas, opens the fridge, grabs a coke and leaves to his bedroom. Castiel doesn't see him until the next day.

 

Not all days are like this though. Dean runs with him every Sunday. They practice self-defense and even though Cas is still weak and can't throw a punch to save his life, he likes it and maybe even makes some progress.

The most important thing is, that Dean cares. He calls Cas during his lunch break to check if he's eaten. He listens when Cas talks about books he reads and documentaries he watches. He always asks about Castiel's day.

And Sometimes he cares a little bit too much. Like the day he comes home and finds Cas in the kitchen.

"Hey, Cas," he calls from the door, shrugging his jacket off his shoulders.

"Hello, Dean," Cas replies and looks at him, eyes full of tears.

"You're crying? For fuck's sake, Cas, what happened?"

He's by his side in an instant, pulling him into a hug. Cas doesn't hug back, just stands there stiffly. When his shoulders start to shake Dean looks at him, alarmed. A thoroughly confused expression appears on his face as he realizes Cas is laughing.

"Onion," Cas chokes out, "I was just chopping onion."

Dean blushes and withdraws from him. It's so endearing Cas can't even be mad at him for treating him like a baby.

"So," Dean rubs the back of his neck, trying to dispel the awkwardness. "How was the art class?"

Castiel sighs and puts on his best fake smile. "It was great."

Dean smirks and ruffles Cas' hair on his way to the fridge. "You know, Cas, you're not as good a liar as you think. Spit it out, what happened?"

Castiel swallows and dives into the memory. It wasn't bad. As jobs go, it's really easy. He just has to sit there and not move for a while. The art teacher was really kind to him, letting him take breaks, lending him a soft bathrobe and giving him tea. Besides Jo and her friend, none of the other students spoke to him. However, he caught two of the girls giggling and whispering to one another about him being hot. It made him surprisingly uncomfortable. He knows they wouldn't do anything to him, but putting his naked body on display for everybody... it just felt too much like what he used to do.

"Spit it out, Cas. Was somebody mean to you? If someone tried to touch you I swear..."

"No, Dean. Everybody was okay. The teacher was really lovely. I just... realized that I'm not as comfortable with people staring at me as I thought I was."

"You can quit whenever you want, you know that, right?"

"Yeah. I'll quit as soon as I have another job."

"Fine. Now let me finish chopping the onion, I can't look at you like this."

* * *

 

Dean likes living with Castiel. It's nice to have someone to talk to. But sometimes it's just too hard, everything presses on him, like a heavy weight and he can barely breathe. It usually happens when Lisa calls or Sam on the other hand forgets to call. When they don't have enough customers at the garage and he's not sure he'll be able to keep all his employees. When he looks around and thinks of all the things he could've done, could've had if circumstances had been just a little bit different. On days like that he doesn't feel like talking. All he wants is to drown his thoughts in liquor, but Cas looks at him like a kicked puppy every time he opens the cabinet where he keeps his whisky. Instead he makes them coffee and gets Cas to talk about bees or the rainforest or whatever documentary he watched that day.

Sometimes it feels like they're different species. Cas doesn't understand most of Dean's pop-culture references. He never forgets to remark that he wasn't even born when the movie or show was popular, to which Dean responds by telling him that it doesn't excuse him not knowing the classics. Their bickering usually ends with them watching the movie, which is Dean's favorite part.

It's even better with music. Cas knows a lot of classic rock, but sometimes he makes Dean listen to something from this century. He has to admit that a lot of it is pretty good. Some of it though doesn't even deserve to be called music.

Castiel looks much better these days. All the bruises are healed, he's putting on weight (although Dean still has to make sure he doesn't skip meals because he 'forgets') and thanks to the running and Dean's self-defense lessons Cas is even building some muscles. Dean isn't surprised when Cas tells him that some poor girl in the art class has a crush on him. He doesn't look like a scrawny child anymore. Dean has to admit he looks good. Not that he's been payingspecial attention to Cas' body, but it's hard not to notice. Especially because it often seems like Cas doesn't know basic social etiquette. First: he always stands too close and stares a lot as if he's trying to look straight through Dean's flesh and see his soul. Second: He seems to be allergic to pants, waltzing around the house in his boxer briefs. On the rare occasion he wears pants, he's missing either underwear or a shirt. He's simply unable to dress properly. Third: He doesn't lock the bathroom, which results in Dean walking in on him more often than not. Dean usually stutters an apology and backs out of the room awkwardly.

Though it's not as bad as when Cas walks in on Dean. It's not even an accident! Cas knows full well that Dean is taking a shower when he storms into the bathroom.

"Sorry, sorry!" he calls, giving Dean a chance to at least cover himself with his hands.

"What the hell, dude?!"

"Sorry, running late. Go on, I'm not looking," Cas says, squeezing toothpaste on his toothbrush.

Dean grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. "For fuck's sake, Cas! You can't walk in on another guy like this!"

Cas looks at him with that curious head tilt of his. "Why?" he asks around the toothbrush in his mouth.

Dean opens his mouths and shuts it again. "Because... just because! It's inappropriate to look at somebody else's dick!"

Castiel rolls his eyes and spits into the basin.

"I wasn't looking. Why would I? It's nothing I haven't seen before. You realize I have a penis of my own, right? And I've seen my fair share of dicks. I had a lot of them in my mouth. Do you think you have something special down there?" He points at Dean's crotch with the toothbrush. Dean stares at him speechless, blush creeping up his neck and warming his cheeks. Castiel rinses his mouth and continues while running his fingers through his unruly hair, in a vain attempt to tame it.

"And even if I did see, then what? Do you think my stare would magically make it disappear? Or is it shy and would shrink? Maybe you think it's so irresistible I would immediately fall on my knees wanting to suck it. Well I have news for you, it isn't. Taking a peek at someone's junk doesn't make you gay. And being gay doesn't mean I want to fuck everything with penis."

He glances at Dean, who's standing there wet and awkward, clutching his towel like a shield, face beet red. Castiel shakes his head with a long-suffering sigh. "You straight guys are ridiculous." 

It's not the first, nor the last time they have similar conversation.

"Could you please put your pants on? You're making me uncomfortable."

"Why?" there's no mockery, just sincere curiosity. "Is there something wrong with my body?" he continues when Dean seems unable to come up with an answer.

"No! No, of course not."

"Then I don’t understand why seeing my body bothers you. I could understand that if you were attracted to me my body would be distracting, but that's not the case unless you're so deep in the closet that you got lost in Narnia."

Dean's never able to find an appropriate comeback to these comments. Castiel doesn't even look triumphant, he only gives a small shrug of his shoulders and minds his business.

Dean knows he's being ridiculous. He knows that living with a gay guy can't make him gay. What he doesn't know is why he's reacting this way. Some of the things Cas says make him think about his own behavior. He always thought of himself as open-minded and tolerant, but he's startingto realize he's actually quite prejudiced and he doesn't know where it comes from.

Cas never hesitates to call him out on his bullshit.

Like when they're watching Torchwood (Cas' idea) and Dean rolls his eyes and gets up to grab a beer the moment the two guys are kissing.

"Where are you going?" Cas asks and hits the pause button on the remote control.

"I wanna grab a beer."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, two dudes are kissing. I don't need to see that."

Castiel straightens up in his seat. "Are you kidding me? Captain Jack Harkness is kissing captain Jack Harkness! That's the best scene in the history of ever!"

"Yeah, so they kiss. I get it, it's all romantic and heartbreaking. I still don't want to watch that. Besides you do realize the people in the room would probably shoot them the moment they start to dance?"

Castiel lets out an exasperated sigh and turns back to the TV. "I'm living with a homophobic prick," he grumbles angrily, but loud enough for Dean to hear.

"Hey! I'm not homophobic. I don't mind when somebody is gay. I just don't like it when they are too obvious about it."

That makes Cas jump to his feet.

"What the fuck do you mean by being too obvious? Kissing? Being in love with each other? You mean everything that makes it explicit that they're gay?"

"No I-" Cas doesn't even let him start. He's obviously angry.

"Straight people can literally have sex on the screen and you don't bat an eye! But when two people of the same sex kiss they're rubbing their sexuality into your face, right?"

Dean opens his mouth, but doesn't know what to say. Cas doesn't wait for him before continuing.

"You know what? In movies, in commercials, in books. Wherever I look I see heterosexual sex and I'm told it's the right thing. Heterosexuals are rubbing their sexuality into our faces all the time, and that's okay, right? But when two guys are kissing in a totally awesome scene? Oh no, you can't even be in the same room."

Dean wants to say something. He wants to apologize for being stupid. Damn he wants to apologize for the whole heteronormative world. But he doesn't get a chance, because Cas storms out of the room.

They don't talk about it ever again. Dean thinks about it a lot though, because Cas is right. When Jack Harkness meets his ex and they kiss, Dean doesn't leave or look away, he even admits that the scene was pretty awesome.

 Dean tries. He understands that the way he sees the world is influenced by his upbringing and many other things. He tries to see things how they really are not how he thinks he should see them.

Still, the truth is that Cas really makes him uncomfortable at times. Not intentionally though, it's more the fact that Dean is so aware of him - the way he smiles, the way he looks at Dean. The color of his eyes, the shape of his lips - makes Dean uncomfortable. It's downright infuriating that he notices Cas shaves his legs, that his eyes always dart to the bulge in Cas' boxers when he doesn't wear pants. It all leaves him confused like hell and it's only getting worse.

 


	7. Gods & Monsters

Castiel is so excited to tell Dean the good news that he can't wait 'til he comes home, and because it wouldn't be satisfying to tell him over the phone, he decides to visit Dean at work. He knows where the auto shop is even though he's never been there himself. He makes some sandwiches, puts on his favorite red hoodie and heads out of the house. It´s not his first time leaving the house alone. He goes grocery shopping and he runs to the park every morning. He still feels a claw of anxiety tightening around his chest every time and he's pretty sure he'll never set foot anywhere near the Roadhouse, but today is a good day. The wind is chilly, however the sun is. Most importantly Cas has good news, he feels that his step is lighter than it has been for a while.

When he arrives at the lot in front of the garage he looks around, trying to find Dean between the rows of cars in different stages of being dismantled. He starts when he hears a gruff voice.

"May I help you?"

He turns to see a man looking exactly how Cas imagines Dean in thirty years, with a beard, plaid shirt and trucker hat.

The man raises an eyebrow and Cas shakes himself, suddenly feeling awkward.

"I'm looking for Dean," he pipes up. The man gives him a once over then looks away.

"Dean, there's some kid looking for you," he yells.

To Castiel's surprise, Dean rolls out from under one of the cars.

"Cas?" he says surprised and it takes Cas all his willpower not to gape at him. He's wearing dark blue overalls and has grease stains all over him, which shouldn't be hot at all, but for some reason it is.

Cas holds up the bag with their lunch and smiles. "I brought you lunch."

"Oh, that's nice. Thanks." Dean comes closer, wiping his hands with a greasy rag.

"I'll be in the office," the older man says. He nods at Cas and heads towards the low building.

"So what's going on? You just decided to bring me lunch or is there some special reason?" Dean asks as he leads Cas to a bench by one of the garage walls.

"Well actually I have some news I couldn't wait to tell you," Cas admits and hands Dean a sandwich.

"I hope it's good news then."

Cas beams at him and nods, unwrapping his own sandwich.

"Oh come on, tell me. Now I'm all curious," Dean moans when Cas takes a huge bite and starts munching instead of saying anything.

"I have a job," Cas announces proudly. His chest fills with warmth as Dean's face brightens.

"That's awesome, man! Congrats!" he says as he pats Cas' back.

"I'll be a sales associate at a gas station."

"Wow, that's good! No nudity required?"

Cas chuckles. "I hope not."

"So, are you gonna quit at the art school now?"

Cas takes another bite and munches studiously, thinking about the answer.

"I don't know. I kinda got used to it and I need the money."

"Why?" Dean asks with his mouth full.

"Because then I'll be able to afford to live on my own." He isn't looking at Dean, but he feels him going still.

"You want to leave?" Dean's voice is so low it makes something in Cas' chest flutter.

"I've been bothering you for long enough."

"You aren't. You aren't bothering me."

Cas looks up to meet Dean's green eyes. He hasn't seen them so serious in a long time.

"You don't mind me staying with you?"

"The house is too big for just me," Dean answers and bites into his sandwich. "And I hate doing laundry."

 Cas chuckles, but his heart is swelling with affection.

"Okay, but I'll pay you."

Dean shakes his head. "No way."

"Then I'll pay for groceries. Please, Dean. I have to contribute somehow."

Dean rolls his eyes, but Castiel's sure he understands.

"It's a deal then."

 

They eat their lunch. Dean tells Cas that the older man was Bobby - the man that helped when Dean's father died and Dean had nowhere to go.

"I guess I should thank him then," Cas smiles, "because you're paying back by helping me."

Dean huffs out a laugh. "You can try."

Cas learns that Bobby used to own the business, but now it belongs to Dean and Bobby just helps him now and again, he's meant to be retired. Dean also tells him that Bobby now lives with Jo's mother. Castiel thinks they make a good couple and Dean agrees that they're good for each other. When Cas asks what happened to Jo's father, Dean answers that all he knows is he died in a hunting accident.

"So, do you want me to show you around? I can teach you a thing or two about cars while you're here," Dean suggests as he gets up from the bench sweeping crumbs off his lap.

"If you're not afraid to get your hands dirty," he adds and Cas rolls his eyes.

"Why? I don't even have a car."

Dean shrugs. "Still might come in handy."

He doesn't say bullshit like ´every man should know how to fix a car´ which earns him brownie points.

Cas stares at him for a moment, thinking about the offer. He doesn't know squat about cars and he isn't interested in them, but it's always fun when Dean teaches him something new.

"Okay. You're lucky that I'm wearing jeans that I don't mind ruining."

" _I'm_ lucky? _You're_ lucky! You're gonna get a lesson from the best mechanic in the town."

"Oh," Cas looks around. "Who's the guy? Is he hot?"

Dean snorts and punches his shoulder.

 

Castiel is utterly helpless when it comes to cars, that much is obvious after a few minutes. But Dean is more patient than he would ever expect and even though most of Cas' attempts to do something end with a giggling fit, he keeps explaining and cheering Cas on. Cas actually enjoys it. Especially when Dean grabs his wrist to show him the right movement to use a wrench or any other occasion when he´s too close. The mix of Dean´s smell and motor oil makes him a bit dizzy. He can't be blamed for pressing his ass closer against Dean's crotch when he's bent over an engine and Dean leans over him. He's an ex hooker after all, he does these things on instinct, or so he tells himself. He expects Dean to jump away and ask Cas what the hell is he doing, but he doesn't.

He keeps talking to Cas in a low voice, explaining something Cas doesn't give a damn about right now. The heat radiating from Dean's body when it's pressed to his makes Cas' mind short circuit. Right when Cas starts to worry about his inappropriate boner, Dean finally pulls himself away and goes to grab some tools. Cas props himself against the car and lets out a heavy breath.

 

He stays until the end of Dean's shift. He doesn't help much, but he enjoys watching Dean. He understands now why Dean's arms are so strong, the job is pretty hard and involves lifting a lot of heavy stuff. When Bobby grumbles that Cas is distracting and Dean won't get anything done, Cas offers to help him with some paperwork. He regrets it an hour later when he's buried in papers.

When they're done Bobby looks really grateful and Castiel decides it's good to have the old guy on his side. Bobby invites both of them to the Roadhouse after the shift. Castiel declines politely, making excuses about being tired and dirty. He's glad Jo didn't tell Bobby what happened to him right behind their bar though.

 

That night Cas can't fall asleep. He thinks about Dean's muscular body pressed against his smaller frame. He imagines himself tearing the blue overall open and finding that Dean's naked under it.

When he jerks off angrily, imagining Dean fucking him against a car, he realizes that he's screwed. Oh, he's so screwed.

* * *

 

Dean comes home early and he's glad for it, because today was Cas' first shift at the Gas 'n' Sip. He shrugs out of his jacket and kicks off his boots. The music blaring from the living room tells him where to find the boy. He scrunches his nose when he realizes Cas is listening to one of those ´new´ songs. Some girl is hysterical about her love, making obscene sounds, there's not enough guitars and drums, the beat is too loud and regular.

He enters the living room ready to scold Cas for his bad taste, but he freezes the moment he sees him. Castiel is in the middle of the room, the coffee table is pushed aside so he has enough space. He's dancing. He's dancing like all those hot girls in music videos. Dressed in shorts and tank top, he's wiggling his ass and swaying his hips to the beat. His body moves in waves that speak of his incredible flexibility.

He has his back to Dean, so he doesn't notice him and keeps dancing and Dean can't bring himself to interrupt him. Theres something in the way Cas moves with the music that makes Dean's blood rush through his veins. He's never seen a man dance like this and it's a bit unnatural, but at the same time it's stunning. He doesn't dance exactly like a girl either. There's a strength and energy in his moves, that together with the fact that his body isn't soft and curvy, but lean and firm bring masculinity into the interesting mix.

Cas squats down with his knees open, then slowly pushes himself up arching his back in a seductive wave that shows off his butt and Dean tries to ignore the spark of interest in his lower body. Cas kicks his leg so high that Dean's jaw drops, then he makes an elegant turn and with the last tones of the song. He ends up facing Dean, one hand pushed into his sweat-damp hair, the other one braced on his lip. He's panting, staring at Dean with huge eyes. Another song starts playing and fills the heavy silence between the two of them. This girl has syrupy voice and reminds Dean of smoke-filled bars and the 60's.

Cas finally comes round from his shock and wraps his arms around himself self-consciously which sends a pang of pain through Dean's chest. He shouldn't feel ashamed, not for his body or his dancing and definitely not in front of Dean.

"I... didn't know you were watching," Cas stutters, dropping his eyes to the floor bashfully.

"I'm sorry, I... didn't want to interrupt you," Dean answers trying to stop his eyes from roaming over Cas' body and failing miserably. "I didn't know you dance."

"Uhm yeah," Cas runs a hand through his hair, "I like it, but I'm just fooling around, it's not real dancing."

Dean scowls and takes a step towards Cas. "That's bullshit, Cas. You're good. Did you ever take any lessons?"

Cas shakes his head, still avoiding Dean's eyes. "No, but I'd like to. I even used to dream about Kansas school of Performing arts."

"You should pursue that dream."

"I'm not that good."

Dean places a hand on Cas' shoulder which makes him finally look up.

"Cas, I don't know shit about dancing, but I can tell you are talented. And if dancing makes you happy, you should take lessons."

Castiel is looking at him as if he expects to find the answer to all the secrets of the Universe in Dean's face.

"You really liked it?"

Dean suddenly feels too hot under Cas' scrutiny. He licks his lips and notices Cas tracking the movement with his eyes.

_In the land of gods and monsters I was an angel looking to get fucked hard,_ the girl sings. Dean is looking into Castiel's heavenly blue eyes and feels his heart beating too hard.

"I did. I never saw anyone dance like that."

Cas chuckles softly. "I guess you haven't seen many dancers then."

"Yeah maybe," Dean smiles, "but it doesn't change the fact that you're good."

"Thank you, Dean."

"Will you look for some lessons? You can afford it with your new awesome job."

Cas nods, his bright smile makes Dean's heart flutter. "Yeah I will."

Dean nods approvingly and drops his hand off Cas' shoulder. The boy looks up like he's missing the touch.

"And what about you?" he asks, "Do you dance?"

"Oh no, no. I can't dance to save my life."

"Oh come on, I don't believe that you've never danced."  He moves forward, straight into Dean's personal space. He swallows as if bracing himself, then he slowly puts his hands on Dean's shoulders.

Dean's hands move on their own accord and land on Cas' swaying hips.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dean breaths out. There's no heat in his words and a soft smile is tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Dancing," Cas beams at him.

The song is slow with a nice steady rhythm and Dean finds himself shifting his weight into the beat.

Castiel chuckles happily, leaning his forehead against Dean's shoulder. Dean snorts and grabs Cas' hand. He spins him around, laughing as Cas squeals in surprise.

"Now you!"

"Oh no no," Dean protests when Cas tries to spin him.

"Come on!"

Dean spins slowly, making Cas snort.

"Very elegant, now faster!" He pushes Dean's hip and tugs at his hand and before Dean can collect himself, he's spinning and tripping over his own feet.

Cas barks out a laugh and wraps his arms around Dean's waist to steady him.

"I told you I couldn't dance," Dean grumbles.

"You're not that bad, it needs practice though." His head's thrown back so he can look at Dean's face, Cas still has his arms wrapped around Dean's waist. Their hips are close, Dean can feel the brush of Cas' body against his belly as Cas shifts his weight from one leg to other exaggeratedly, making Dean sway with him.

_Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly want._

"You're like a child," Dean comments on the way Cas is dancing with him, grinning widely.

Without realizing what he's doing, Dean pushes his hand into the thick hair on the back of Cas' head. For a second he wants to pull him in and kiss his lips. A second later his chest fills with ice cold dread. He drops his hand to Cas' shoulder, trying to control his face and not show his emotions.

"I'm going to cook dinner. I'm making burgers to celebrate your first day at new job."

Cas nods, he looks just a little bit disappointed. A relieved sigh escapes Dean's chest when Cas lets go of him.

* * *

 

Cas truly loves his new job. His boss Nora is kind to him and often tells him how glad she is to have him. Being appreciated for what he does is something new for him and it feels damn good. He just finished mopping the floor in the restrooms and is on his way to restock the shelves with candy when the bell above the door rings. He looks up to see Jo with a backpack over one shoulder and a big sketch book under her arm.

"Hey, Cas!" she waves at him.

"Hi, Jo. What are you doing here?"

"Well I figured you won't come to see me at my work, so I decided to come visit you at yours. Mountain and Mohammed, you know."

He smiles at her and lets her pull him into a hug, her sketchbook poking into his ribs.

"What do you have here?" he asks and she tries to hide the sketchbook behind her back.

"Ugh, just some sketches."

"You don't have to show me if you don't want to."

She raises an eyebrow. "You don't want to see them? Everybody always want to see my drawings the minute they learn I'm an artist."

"Of course I'd love to see them. But I'm not gonna push you if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Uhm, you know what? I'm gonna show you." She lays the sketchbook on the counter and Cas high-fives himself mentally for the successful use of reverse psychology.

The drawings are beautiful realistic figures of dancers in various postures that look almost impossible to make.

"Wow, Jo, they're incredible. You drew real dancers?"

"Yeah I go to a dance studio, my friend Pamela is a teacher there. This is her." She points at a drawing of a woman standing on her tiptoes bending backwards, her body making a beautiful arch that Jo highlighted with color on otherwise black and white sketch.

"Wow. This is really awesome. What do they dance?"

"I don't know, man. It looks a bit like ballet, but it's not really ballet. I mean they dance to pop music so it can't be ballet, right? I don't know what they call it. I just draw them. Why? You´re interested in dance?"

"Yeah... just a little bit. I started my awesome career of a sex worker as a stripper." He laughs at the surprised look Jo gives him.

"But really, I like dancing and since Dean saw me dance, he's bugging me to start taking some lessons."

"Really? Cas, that's awesome! I need to introduce you to Pamela, you'll love her."

"Wait, Jo, I have no experience, if she doesn't have a beginners' class..."

"Shut your mouth. Next time I go there I'm simply taking you with me. You can watch the lesson and talk to her and you'll see if what they do is what you want."

"Alright. Thank you, Jo."

"You're welcome. But you owe me a lap dance!"

Cas stifles a laugh and pouts defiantly.

"No."

"Oh come on! You have to! Did you give Dean a lap dance? Is that how he found out you dance?"

Cas chokes on his laughter. "No, I didn't give him a lap dance. He would run away screaming 'no homo' if I tried."

She laughs but her eyes are serious when she speaks. "So is it hard to live with him? I mean the guy is so straight it sometimes seems like he's overcompensating."

Castiel smiles, thinking about Dean dancing with him. It was a moment when Dean's mask slipped.

"Yeah, it's like he wants to be sure the whole world sees him as a manly man at in all circumstances."

Jo sighs. "But he isn't mean to you or anything, is he? I'd punch him in the gut."

Cas shakes his head with a chuckle. "No. He tries to be... tolerant. And he danced with me!"

Jo lets her jaw drop. "What?!"

"Yup. After he walked in on me dancing I asked him if he danced and he said he didn't of course. But I somehow made him dance with me."

"Oh my god. Cas, you're a miracle."

Cas smirks. "Yeah. But you know what? I don't think it's Dean's fault. He just... doesn't get things. The stereotypes and prejudice, it's society, not him. He actually listens when I tell him what's wrong with the things he says or thinks. He really tries."

Jo nods with a soft smile. "Yeah. Under the gruff facade, Dean's somebody different. He just tries to protect himself from getting hurt."

Cas nods, his smile turning a bit dopey when he thinks about the little things Dean does to confirm Jo's theory. About Dean wearing the clothes Cas chose for him and buying more, about Dean using flowery hand cream because his hands are chapped and calloused from working on cars and he likes them smooth, about Dean singing Taylor Swift's songs when no one's listening.

"Cas?" Jo snaps her fingers in front of his face. "Are you with me?"

 "Yeah, you just reminded me of something."

She crosses her arms on her chest and examines his face, but doesnt say anything.

"So. Do you want a slushie? I can give you one for free."

Her face lights up. "You bet I do!"

* * *

 

Cas comes home from his morning shift and heads straight to the living room, flopping himself on the couch. He's tired but happy. He doesn't serve some noble purpose by working as a sales associate, but it still feels good to have something meaningful to do. He turns the TV on and thinks about the dance studio Jo was talking about. He's excited by the thought of taking real dance lessons.

He's drifting off when he hears the front door open and slam shut again. He checks the time on his phone and frowns. It's too early for Dean to be home.

"Hey!" an unknown voice calls. Cas jumps to his feet and turns around to see a young boy frowning at him.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my dad's house?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now is the time to reveal that this fic was inspired by [Chris Koo's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdiGBI6yngw)  
> video and a comment that said something like: you made a very straight guy very curious.  
> I imagine Cas more muscular than Chris, but the video is a good illustration of what Dean witnessed :)
> 
> Chapter title and the lyrics used in the chapter by Lana Del Ray


	8. Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love you send through comments and kudos! I wish I could hug each of you!

Cas' breath catches in his lungs. "Your dad?"

"Yes," the boy crosses his arms on his chest. "My dad. Dean Winchester. Where is he and who are you?"

When he takes a closer look, Castiel has to admit that there is some resemblance.

"You're Dean's son," Cas stutters, still dumb struck.

"Yeah dumbass. But who're you? You aren’t a burglar are you?" His eyes roam over Cas' blue vest from the Gas 'n' Sip, then dart to the tv.

"No." Cas shakes his head. "I live with Dean, your dad. He's my... he's my friend."

The boy raises an eyebrow. "My dad is living with a strange guy and hasn't told me about it?"

"He never told me he had a son," Cas retorts. The boy smirks.

"Then you're not a very good friend."

Castiel scowls. The boy is being rude, but he's like fifteen? So Cas has to be the bigger man here. He grits his teeth and steps closer to the boy.

"Castiel." He offers him a hand and the boy scrunches his nose looking at it.

"What a weird name. I'm Ben." He finally shakes Cas' hand.

"You can call me Cas."

"Fine, Cas. Now tell me why are you living with my dad." 

* * *

 

 

Dean is late. He's late and everything is screwed up. Lisa was supposed to drop Ben at Dean's place at three and Dean was supposed to be there. It's three thirty now, Dean is on his way and of course there's a stupid red light. It's the same intersection where he first met Cas. Oh shit, Cas! If he's already back from work, Dean is in even deeper shit than he thought. But at least Ben wouldn't have to wait for him on the doorstep.

He finally pulls into the driveway and runs into the house.

"Ben?" He shouts over the sound of AC/DC.

"In the kitchen."

Dean rushes to the kitchen to find Ben sitting at the breakfast table eating a sandwich. Castiel is leaning against the island across from him, holding a bottle of coke.

They both turn to him as he enters.

"Hi, dad."

"Hello, Dean."

"Uhm, hey! I'm sorry I'm late." He comes closer and Ben wraps one arm around him in a half-hug.

"It's okay, Cas made me a sandwich."

"Yeah, thanks, Cas. I'm sorry I wasn't here to intoduce you two."

"We coped without you." There's something mishievous in Cas' eyes and Dean knows that he has a lot to explain. He's going to do it later though, hopefully he'll come up with a good excuse by then.

"So," he clasps his hands. "Do you guys want to go to movies?"

 

He takes them to the new Marvel movie and feeds them tons of popcorn, hopeing they'll forget that he didn't tell them about each other.

They get along surprisingly well. It makes Dean realize how young Cas is. He's only five years older than his son. It's more natural for him to be friends with Ben than with Dean.

"What?" Cas mouths when he notices that Dean is staring at him. His eyes are shining in the dim light of the screen. Dean shakes his head and tries to pay attention to the movie. After the movie, Dean drops Cas at home and takes Ben to Lisa's parents.

"So," Ben looks at him the moment they're alone in the car, "You and Cas are together?"

Dean chokes on air. "Is that what he told you?" He has to remind himself to watch the road.

"No, he told me he lived on the street and you took him home and helped him get his life together."

"Yeah, that's right. Then how did you come up with... with the nonsense?"

Ben shrugs. "I saw how you act around each other. When mom brings home a new guy, they're always like that. But Cas is much cooler than any of them. And he's gay, right? So I thought..."

"We're not a couple," Dean says through gritted teeth, trying to ignore the weird feeling in his chest.

"But I wouldn't mind, you know? Of course it would be a little weird because he's so young, but he's cool and I wouldn't mind that he’s a guy. He's nice. You look happy with him."

Dean's heart skips a beat and he feels a lump in his throat when he tries to speak.

"We're not a couple," he repeats, his voice sounds bland. _I'm not gay, I'm not into guys, I'm not attracted to him_. He wants to say all those things but they get stuck in his chest.

"What a pity. It would be fun to have him as a new daddy," Ben chuckles.

Dean rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?" he asks trying to change the topic.

"Or a boyfriend?" he adds remembering all Castiel's lectures about heteronormativity.

Ben snorts and shakes his head, but the blush that spreads over his cheeks gives him away.

"Oh come on!" Dean pokes his side. "Tell me! Who is it?"

 

"When he comes home, Cas is sitting on the couch watching some reality show about cakes. Dean hands him a beer and sits next to him.

"What's that for?" Cas asks, not looking at him.

"It's an apology. For not telling you about Ben." Dean takes a sip from his own bottle.

Cas looks at him. "You're not obliged to tell me anything about your life."

"I know, but you're my friend. I should've told you."

Castiel's eyes brighten up and Dean's suddenly aware of how close they are.

"You must have been very young when you had him."

"Yeah," Dean nods and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I was eighteen."

"Wow," Cas breathes out.

"I told you I made a lot of mistakes in my life." Cas is just staring at him the way that makes Dean feel like he can see his bare soul.

"I mean he isn't a mistake. Fuck, he's the best thing I've ever done but..." He shakes his head, unable to continue. Then he feels Cas' warm hand on his knee and. The gesture is surprisingly reassuring and encorages him to carry on.

"Lisa and me... we spent just a week together. It was an amazing week, but then I had to move on with dad and Sammy. I didn't know, Cas. She didn't tell me."

Cas nods sympatheticaly.

"I found out when Ben was seven and I did the only good thing I could think of. I married Lisa."

"But it didn't work."

"No. I guess having a child is not enough to keep two people together. And I’m not exactly a husband material. Or father material."

Castiel shakes his head vigorously. "Don't say that, Dean. You're awesome with Ben and I can tell he loves you very much. He looks up to you."

Dean sneers. "What's there to look up to?"

Cas slaps his knee. "Hey! Don't talk like that! You're a good man, Dean. Maybe the best I've ever met."

"You don't mean that," Dean grumbles feeling himself blush.

"I do. You're kind. You take care of people even though you don't know them. You're good with cars and an amazing cook."

Dean chuckles and nudges Cas' shoulder with his own.

"Stop that. You're making this awkward."

Cas beams at him. "Shut your mouth, I'm serious. You believed in me. I wish you believed in yourself too."

Dean grimaces. "Be careful, man, you almost sound like you might fall in love with me."

He regrets it the moment the words leave his mouth and he's sure he's going to have a heart attack when Cas doesn't answer and just stares into his eyes.

Then the younger man snorts. "Oh no. I'm not insane. You're a good man, but still kind of an asshole."

Dean lets out an exaggerated sigh. "Good. I'm relieved. I don't know what I'd do with a clingy boyfriend like you."

"Pfft as if you would know what to do with any boyfriend!"

"Hey! Most of the things can't be much different than with a girl."

Cas smirks. "You won't know if you never try." He winks teasingly.

Dean huffs out a laugh and shoves Cas away.

* * *

When Cas meets Pamela, he doesn't like her very much. She's very peculiar. She doesn't allow him to watch the lesson and makes him join in instead. She keeps flirting with him even after he tells her he's gay, but then he realizes she's doing it with all her students, regardless their gender. Cas finds her overall atitude towards her students odd, almost unprofessional, but once they start dancing, he starts to think he can get used to it. And oh when he sees her dance he knows he can forgive her everything.

The movements are unnatural for him and he knows the next day he'll feel muscles he didn't know he had. The group continues in their routine and it's pretty hard to catch up, but Cas tries his best. He's glad that everybody is busy with getting their own movements right and don't look at him so he doesn't feel awkward. When the lesson ends, he's exhausted but pumped up with endorphines.

"So, how did you like it, baby-blues? Do you want to join us?" Pamela asks him in the locker room.

"Yes. It'll be hard for me to catch up, but I'd love to join you."

"I don't think it will take you long to catch up. Once you remember the moves, you can improve the technique. And I see a big potential in you."

Castiel blushes. "Thank you, Miss Barnes."

Pamela chuckles and pats his shoulder. "Please call me Pam."

"Cas would like to apply for the School of performing arts. Do you think he has a chance?" Jo steps in ignoring the death glare Cas gives her.

Pamela gives Cas a once over. "Well, if he keeps working hard, then I don't see why not?"

Jo beams at him and punches his shoulder. "You hear? I told you!"

Castiel frowns at her. "Please don't beat me, my whole body hurts already."

He can't fight back his own smile when the two women laugh.

 

"Is there anything to eat?" Cas ask the moment he comes home.

"There's casserole in the oven." Dean calls from his spot on the couch.

"Oh, bless you." Cas says and hurries into the kitchen. He moans obscenly when he scoops the food to a plate. He hasn't been so hungry since he moved in with Dean.

"What was the dance class like?" Dean asks as Cas comes to the living room, shoveling the food into his mouth as he walks.

"Great," he says with his mouth full and drops himself next to Dean.

"Did you just watch or oh my god you reek!" Dean scrunches his nose and moves as far from Cas as possible without leaving the couch.

"She made me join."

"You should take a shower."

"I'm hungry! And I'll probably fall asleep after I take a shower."

"Was it difficult?"

"Yeah it was. Half the time I didn't know what I was supposed to do and when I knew what to do I wasn't able to do it."

"But you enjoyed it anyway?"

"Yeah. I told Pamela, the teacher, that I'd like to attend the classes regularly."

"That's awesome, Cas! How often will you go there?"

"Once a week."

"Good. I'm happy you found something you like. Now eat as fast as you can and go take a shower or I'm kicking you out."

"Hey! You smell when you come from work and I never say a word!"

"No I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"Shut up."

* * *

The next lesson makes Cas hate himself. He must have been insane to join an advanced class being a beginner. Everything is too quick for him and some of the girls can make more push-ups than him. He feels ashamed. When he admits that to Pamela, she suggests he come twice a week and he agrees.

Two weeks later he feels much better. The work-out doesn't make him feel like he's dying, he can feel himself getting more flexible and once he learns how the moves go after one another, he can focus on making them right. He feels a bit lonely though. It's understandable that no one talks to him during the lesson. But when the lesson is over and everybody chats in the locker room he's left out. Fortunately it only lasts until the day when they stretch in couples. He thinks it's insane when Pamela explains what's going on. They are supposed to stretch as far as they can, then their partner will push them even further.

"Don't go easy on each other, but remember that the person you torture now will then torture you and can pay you back," Pamela warns.

Castiel pairs up with the only other guy in the class. He calls himself Zeke and he's tall and hot. Cas asks him to take the first turn to be the ‘tortured’ as Pamela calls it.

"Don't worry, I can take more. You're so light I can barely feel you on top of me," the guy says as he's sitting on the floor with his legs spread pushing his body as low between them as he can and Cas is leaning over his back.

Cas uses more of his weight and smirks when Zeke grunts a little. He actually really enjoys it. He doesn't want to try anything on the guy, but it feels good to be pressed against another body. Zeke is warm and his shirt is damp with sweat, but Cas can smell his deodorant and yeah, it's nice.

When they change roles Zeke expresses his concern that he might snap Cas in half. Cas huffs out a laugh.

"You underestimate what I can take." He blushes when he realizes what he just said, but Zeke smiles at him with a playful glint in his eyes.

Cas can't decide what feels better - leaning against Zeke's broad back or being covered with his huge body. The latter would definitely feel even better if the tendons in his legs weren't screaming at him to stop stretching them.

After this particular lesson, Zeke and Cas make a small talk now and then, they always pair up for the stretching and share grimaces when Pamela asks them to do something especially difficult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Distance by Christina Perri


	9. Heaven and Hell

Cas doesn't think of Zeke as anything more than a friend until Dean asks him.

"So, what about you and this other dancer. You gonna ask him out?"

"Zeke? Uhm, I haven't thought about it."

"Why? You talk about him a lot. I thought you liked him."

"Yeah I do but… I don't even know if he's into guys. It's wrong to assume he's gay just because he's a dancer."

"Don't be a dumbass. From what you've told me, he's clearly interested in you."

Cas shrugs. Zeke is friendly, he compliments him sometimes and asks about his life. But Dean does all those things too and he's not interested in him at all.

"I don't know. Maybe he swings both ways. I saw him flirting with some of the girls."

"You would date someone like that?" Count on Dean Winchester to say the most ‘straight guy’ thing.

"Yeah, why not?"

Dean shrugs. "I don't know. Wouldn't you worry that he might cheat on you?"

Cas throws his head back. "Oh my god, Dean. Bisexuals aren't cheaters. They don't want to date guys and girls at the same time. They can commit to just one person, the pool of applicants is just a bit bigger."

Dean nods, Cas can tell he's thinking hard about it because he worries his lip.

"I'm sorry I know I sound dumb. I've just never met anyone like that."

"Or you did but you didn't know. You probably just label them as straight or gay."

"Yeah, you're right. Anyway, back to you and… Zeke, is it?"

Cas nods. "I like him, but... I don't know if I’m ready to date someone."

"You won’t know if you never try."

Castiel smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes and Dean notices.

"What’s wrong?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head. Dean wraps his arm around Cas’ shoulder and shakes him a little.

"Come on, you can tell me."

Cas frowns and bows his head, his stomach is tying itself into knots.

"I’m worried that I might…“ his voice trails off and he has to clench his jaw to stop his lips from quivering. Dean pulls him closer.

"Whatever it is, we can fix it, Cas."

Cas sighs and starts fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

"I was… I was always careful, Dean. I would always turn a john down if they didn’t want to wear a condom, but…“

He takes a ragged breath, tears prickling in his eyes.

"But the guy who… he didn’t... and I, I’m scared that he might-"

Dean stares at him, worried lines forming on his forehead.

"It’s been months, Cas. You should’ve worried about it much sooner."

Cas frowns and tries to push himself away, but Dean doesn’t let him.

"I know. And I also know that ignoring my problems won’t solve them, but I can’t stop myself from doing it. Besides I… the tests cost money and if I-" this time he breaks into a sob. "I don’t have a health insurance, Dean! If I’m sick-"

"Shh, calm down." Dean pulls him into a hug and Cas can’t stop himself from burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"We’ll go to the clinic together. I’ll pay for the tests, I should take one too, I haven't for a while." Cas nods, rubbing his cheek wet with tears against Dean’s neck.

"And then we’ll know. But whatever happens, I’m here to help you. It'll be okay."

"Thank you," Cas sobs. Then he chuckles mirthlessly. "You’re my knight in a shining armor."

He can feel Dean’s laughter vibrate through his chest.

"Okay, princess. Let's watch something funny to lighten the mood.

He grabs the remote control, then leans into the couch, pulling Cas with him so he’s half-lying on his chest. Castiel doesn’t even know what's on the TV, he suddenly feels tired. He cuddles closer to Dean and closes his eyes, the steady rhythm of Dean’s raising and falling chest lulls him to sleep.

He can’t be sure, but he thinks he feels Dean press a kiss to the top of his head before he drifts off.

* * *

When Dean wakes up with 6 feet of sleep-warm Cas in his lap and a serious case of morning wood, he thinks it can’t get any worse. He finds out how wrong he is when Cas shifts and nuzzles at his neck.

"Morning," he purrs, voice low and husky.

"Do you want me to help with this?" he asks, gesturing to the bulge in Dean’s pants.

"What? No, NO!" Dean cries out and tries to push himself further from Cas.

"I wouldn’t mind. Really," Cas says and it’s impossible how innocent he looks.

Dean tries to ignore the interested twitch his cock gives.

"No, uhm, no thanks. Just…get off me."

"As you wish," Cas shrugs with a smile and gracefully slips off Dean’s lap.

"I’m going to make some coffee," he says with a smug expression and leaves.

Dean lets out a shaky breath and practically runs into the bathroom. He opts for a cold shower. Afraid that if he touches himself, his treacherous mind will supply him with visuals of Cas and not some hot girl.

* * *

Dean makes an appointment at the clinic and they go there a few days later. Castiel is nervous, he’s quiet in the car and chews his lips and when they're sitting in the waiting room, he looks around like a scared animal.

Dean pats his thigh. "Relax. It’s pointless to be scared. If there’s anything to worry about, you won’t get to know right away."

"Thank you, Dean," Castiel growls. "That really helped."

Dean grins at him and nudges his shoulder with his. He tries to distract Cas by quizzing him withband trivia.

When the Doctor calls Cas’ name, the last remnants of color drain from Cas’ face. He’s staring into the distance and it looks like he isn’t breathing.

"Can I come in with him? I have an appointment too. Dean Winchester."

She looks into her folder and nods.

"Yeah, of course you can accompany your boyfriend."

Dean takes a breath to protest, but she’s already disappearing into her office, so he just grabs Cas by a shoulder and hauls him to his feet and into the room.

In the examining room, they make Cas sit on an examination table.

"Are you sure you’re ready? If you feel nauseated we shouldn’t take your blood."

Cas shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything.

"I think, he’s just scared," Dean assures the Doctor. She presses her lips into a thin line. She’s pretty with dark hair and eyes. Her name tag says Tessa Sensenmann.

Dean takes Cas’ hand into his. The boy squeezes back and looks up at him with frightened eyes.

"Oh my god, you’re such a baby," Dean chuckles and ruffles Cas’ hair.

Tessa’s face softens a little when she sees Cas’ weak smile. "Okay, let’s get started."

 

"Thank you for coming with me," Cas says when they’re back in the car, it’s barely more than a whisper.

"No problem, man. I just don’t get why you froze?"

Cas sighs and looks out of the window. "My mom… she was confined to bed as far back as I can remember. I spent a lot of time in hospitals and… I don’t know. Doctors just really scare me."

Dean nods sympatheticaly. "But you made it. You overcame the fear."

"Yeah, but I needed you to hold my hand like a baby."

Dean shrugs. "There’s nothing wrong with needing a little help."

Castiel squints at him as if he wants to say how funny it is comming from someone like Dean, but he keeps his mouth shut.

* * *

Dean's in the garage, working on his baby, when Cas comes in with two envelopes in his hand.

" The test results arrived," he announces trying to look calm, but Dean doesn’t buy it.

"Great, can you open mine? My hands are dirty."

Castiel frowns. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go on."

Cas tears the envelope open and his eyes skim over the results, while Dean wipes his hands clean.

"So?"

"You’re clean," Cas smiles and gives him the papers.

"Good. Your turn."

Castiel looks at the envelope in his hand that shakes a little.

"Do you want me to do it?" Dean asks softly.

"Yes, please," Cas blurts out immediately and offers him the envelope with wide eyes.

Dean takes the envelope from him and opens it. He reads the results carefuly.

"So?" Cas shifts his weigh impatiently.

Dean makes the most serious face he can muster and shakes his head. "I’m sorry, Cas," he sighs.

Cas stares at him, face pale like a ghost. "What?" his voice break.

"I’m sorry, you didn’t win anything. Everything is negative." Dean can’t fight back his smile anymore.

Castiel’s face turns from scared to furious.

"You’re such an asshole!" He punches Dean’s chest and snatches the papers from his fingers while Dean laughs.

"I’m so sorry, I couldn’t help myself."

"You’re a jerk," Cas growls, checking out the results himself.

"It’s negative," he breaths out as if he still can’t believe

"Yeah. Congrats, Cas. You were lucky."

Cas looks up at him and all the anger is far gone, his eyes are full of relief and joy. Before he can stop himself, Dean pulls him into a one-armed hug.

"What’s wrong with her?" Cas asks when they part, nodding to the car.

"I don’t know, man. She keeps making a weird noise and I can’t find the cause."

"Can I help somehow?"

"No, but you can bring me a beer."

Cas rolls his eyes and leaves, but he’s back a few minutes later with a bottle of beer.

He hands it to Dean who opens it using his ring. He drops the cap on the floor It rolls behind Cas where it keeps spining for a moment before it falls with a click. Cas turns and crouches down to pick it up and Dean freezes. His mouth goes dry when he sees the sliver of pale blue lace peaking above the waistband of Cas’ pants.

"You're wearing panties?" he bursts out.

Castiel gets up and turns to him tilting his head. "You were staring at my butt?"

"You’re wearing panties," Dean repeats, his mind stuck on the fact.

"Yeah I am. Problem?"

"Why?"

Cas shakes his head like he doesn’t understand the question.

"I just like the feel of them. You should try it."

Dean averts his eyes and his face turns beet red. Castiel’s jaw drops.

"You have! You've tried it, haven'tyou?"

"It was once," Dean mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was seventeen and the girl... she made me try on hers."

Cas chuckles and takes a step closer. "Maybe you’re not as boring as I thought. Did you like it?"

Dean grits his teeth. He’s not going to answer that. But Cas is right there in his personal space, looking up at him with his head tilted curiously.

"Oh you did like it," he chimes.

Dean refuses to look at him and crosses his arms overhis chest.

"So..." Cas draws out. "Would you like to see mine?" his hand moves to the zipper of his jeans and Dean can’t help but follow the movement. He feels all the blood from his face rushing south. He looks up into Cas’ face and his expression must be priceless, because Cas bursts out laughing.

"Oh my god, you should see yourself." He pats Dean’s shoulder and takes a step back. He points a finger at Dean’s chest.

"You deserved that for what you did with the results," he claims and heads into the house, leaving Dean standing there, positively shaken.

 

The problem is, Dean would very much like to see them. He can’t stop thinking about it. Can’t stop wondering how Cas’ cock looks clad in lace. He doesn’t remember how it felt wearing Rhonda’s pink satiny panties, but he remembers that he liked it. He remembers his cock geting hard and peaking out of the elastic weistband. He wonders if lace feels different than satin. He wonders if Cas has more of them. If it turns him on. If he touches himself when he's wearing them. How does it feel to touch yourself through the soft fabric of panties? How does it feel to touch another man’s cock?

All these thoughts swarm in his head when he’s laying in his bed, making it impossible to fall asleep. He’s aroused and frustrated. He doesn’t understand what’s happening with him, but he knows he can’t stop it. Maybe he should tell someone. Sam? What would he tell him? That he’s turning gay for his housemate? He can already hear his brother. "I don’t mind that he’s a guy, Dean, but he’s _nineteen!_ "

Dean sighs and rolls to his side, ignoring his achingly hard cock. _He’s screwed_.

* * *

Cas knows he shouldn’t do that. He shouldn’t tease Dean, make him uncomfortable on purpose. Suggesting that Dean is into guys is the same as when people told him  he should be straight. He should respect Dean’s sexual identity at least as much as Dean respects his. And he definitely shouldn’t nurture a false hope that Dean will magically turn gay.

But it’s hard not to dream. Cas would kill for a boyfriend like Dean. Yeah, he’s much older, but Cas can only see it as a plus. Dean knows how to take care of himself and of others. He knows a lot about many things. He’s kind and righteous and so damn hot. Most of the time it takes all Cas’ self control not to think about Dean’s wide hands all over his body.  The fact that Dean isn’t as reserved as he used to be, giving Cas an occasional hug or pat on his shoulder, doesn’t help at all. Ever since their dance, Cas entertains the idea of _what if_. He knows he shouldn’t. He knows it will only make him hurt later.

He learns that he was right about that sooner that he’d like.

It starts with a text. It’s Saturday and Dean should already be home from work, but he isn’t. Cas is just starting to get worried when his phone buzzes.

 _Went to Roadhouse, might_ _be home_ _real late. Don’t wait_ _up_ _._

Cas is staring at the screen, his heart hammering in his chest. Dean went out, that’s okay, he has a right to have some fun. He went to the only bar Cas wouldn’t want to go to, but it’s understandable. Dean likes the place and it’s owned by his friends, of course he’d choose the Roadhouse. What makes Cas’ chest constricts is the _'don't wait_ _up_ _'_ and the implication it has. Dean probably met someone or plans to meet someone and intends to go home with them. Dean is getting laid tonight and Cas is sitting alone in his house, scared to admit to himself that the emotion that twists his stomach is jealousy.

It’s stupid, really. It had to come sooner or later, right? Dean hasn’t dated anyone since Cas moved in with him, that doesn’t mean that Cas should have expected him to live in celibacy. He should be happy for his friend, not feel like something is being taken from him. Dean isn’t his, not the way Cas dreams of and he never will be. Dean is straight and he’s having fun with some beautiful girl in a bar. Cas is sure she’s beautiful, because Dean is hot and confident, so he’d definitely hit on the most beautiful girl in the room and she’d feel lucky that someone like Dean noticed her.  Cas imagines her with big boobs, he bets Dean likes big boobs and wide hips. He’s probably flirting with her shamelessly and buying her a drink and she’s giggling and batting her long eyelashes. She’ll invite him to her place soon after and Dean will say yes. He’ll fuck her in bed in her small apartment. He’ll take his time, sure, because Dean is just like that. He'd want to be sure the other person enjoys it just as much as he does. But he wouldn't be too gentle either. He’d probably grab the short hair on the back of his head and pull his head back so he can kiss him while he fucks him from behind...

Cas frowns, wondering when exactly he replaced the random girl with himself. Even though the visual is much more tempting like this, he shakes himself. This is _pathetic_. He can’t sit here and think about his straight friend, wishing he was the one Dean decided to spend the night with.

He needs to get his shit together and stop pining. He needs to get Dean out of his head. He looks around, gets up and walks to the liquor cabinet. He pours himself  two fingers of whisky and knocks it back. When he stops coughing, he grabs his phone and types a message to Zeke, who’s number he got just a few days ago.

_Would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Black Sabbath


	10. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience! What you're probably all waiting for will happen soon, just bear with me a little longer ;)

Dean gets home in the early hours of morning. Castiel knows because he's tossing and turning in his bed, unable to sleep. He gives up a few hours later and crawls out of his bed. While waiting for the coffee to brew, he decides to cook breakfast, which is normally Dean’s job, but he'll probably sleep late today. Castiel can't make such exquisite pancakes like Dean, but he can make tolerable scrambled eggs and bacon.

Dean comes into the kitchen just in time to see Cas scooping the food on to plates.

"Oh my god, bacon! You're an angel, Cas!" Dean beams and flops down on a chair. His hair is mussed and there are dark circles under his eyes, but his smile is brighter than the morning sun. He seems more relaxed than Cas has seen him in a long time.

Cas smiles at him when he hands him his plate, happy to see his friend like that even though there's an uncomfortable fluttering in his gut.

"Did you have a good time?" he asks as he sits at the table opposite from Dean.

"You bet." Dean grins.

"Are you seeing her again?"

"Who? Oh no, no, we both knew what it was about. We had fun, no strings attached." He draws the neckline of his shirt aside to scratch on his skin, revealing a hickey just above his collar bone. Cas feels a pang of pain in his chest. He averts his eyes and focuses on his plate.

"What about you? Did you have a nice evening?"

 _No I felt lonely and I was eaten by jealousy, because I have a crush on the straight guy who let me live with him_ is what Cas wants to say, but he smiles instead.

"Yeah, I finished 1984."

"Great. Did you like it?"

They spent the rest of the breakfast talking about the book and Cas relaxes a bit.

"So no other news?" Dean asks while Cas washes the dishes.

"Yeah actually I have a date." He doesn't understand why his hands are shaking and why he can't look Dean in the eyes. The older man pats his shoulder.

"That's awesome, Cas. Who is it? The guy from the dance class?"

Castiel nods and swallows around the lump in his throat.

"Good. I'm happy you finally grew up a pair and asked him out. Or was it the other way round?"

"I asked him," Cas answers, his voice barely audible over the sound of running water. The whole date idea seems stupid now that he's shared it with Dean. Cas did it only to get Dean out of his head, but it’s probably not the wisest way to deal with the situation. It’s definitely not fair to Zeke. Cas likes him, he really does, the guy is extremely hot and very nice, there’s just something missing. When Cas turns to look at Dean who’s smiling at him, his eyes sparkling with affection, his heart does a back flip and he realizes that this is it. Zeke doesn’t make him feel the way Dean does.

Dean’s smile falters. "You don’t look very excited."

Cas sighs and leans against the counter. "I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now when I think about it... I’m not sure I’m that into him."

Dean rolls his eyes. "Oh come on. It’s just a date. That’s what first dates are for, to find out if you really like them or not."

"Yeah, you’re right." Cas breathes out feeling the weight from his chest slowly drift away. "I’ll just give it a shot."

* * *

It’s adorable how nervous Castiel gets before the date. Dean swears hetried every possible combination of clothes and no matter how many times Dean told him he liked something, Cas always ended up making disgruntled noises and shedding the clothes. When he finally chose something, he locked himself in the bathroom for what seemed like hours.

Right now he’s trying to do something with his hair, which is utterly pointless because his hair obviously has its own personality and refuses to cooperate. Dean’s leaning against the door frame, watching him with an amused smile.

"You know I like you more without make up," he says when Cas grabs the eyeliner. There’s a danger that Cas will injure himself due to his hands shaking. He looks at Dean, the eyeliner still pointed towards his face.

"Because I look less gay?"

Dean rolls his eyes. "Because you look more like yourself," he says over his shoulder heading downstairs.

He’s pleasantly surprised when Cas comes in with no make up. He also has to admit that the boy looks good. He’s wearing dark jeans and blue button up over a black t-shirt.

"You look good, Cas. The guy's gonna be crazy about you." Castiel’s face turns beet red.

"Thanks," he pipes almost inaudibly.

Dean grins and reaches to the back pocket of his jeans.

"Take this, just in case." He hands Cas a pack of condoms. The boy snorts but snatches it from his fingers.

"Good luck, buddy," he pats Cas’ shoulder.

"Thanks. Don’t wait up," Cas grins and opens the door.

"Yeah. But if something goes wrong and you need a ride or something, call me."

"Okay."

Dean watches Cas heading to the car that just arrived. He opens the door and turns to look at Dean who gives him a thumbs up.

Dean is genuinely happy for Cas. This is how it should be. Cas should have a nice boyfriend and Dean will stick with occasional hook ups.

* * *

The date goes well. At least Cas thinks it does, he doesn’t know much about dating. Zeke even bought Cas flowers which is really cute except for the part when it makes Cas, just for a brief moment, feel like he’s not good enough for such a nice guy.

They go to a nice diner, Zeke orders beer and Cas ice tea. They talk about Pamela’s lessons at first, then Zeke starts to talk about his dance group. Cas doesn’t have much to add to the conversation, but he likes to listen to Zeke. He likes the way his eyes light up when he talks about dancing. Almost like Dean’s eyes when he talks about cars or Sam or Ben.

There’s a moment of silence, which isn’t really awkward, just empty. It gives Cas an opportunity to focus on the music that’s playing softly in the background.

_For long you live and high you fly_   
_And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry_   
_And all you touch and all you see_   
_Is all your life will ever be_

"I love this song," he says.

"Really?" Zeke smiles. "I don’t know it."

Something clicks in the back of Cas’ mind. He raises an eyebrow in surprise. The song is Breathe by Pink Floyd and Zeke doesn’t know it. The thought that Dean would recognize it appears unwanted in Cas’ head and he chases it away.

They talk about their favorite music for a while, but it’s obvious they have a different tastes.

When the waitress brings their food (burger for Cas, salad for Zeke) Cas changes the topic and asks Zeke about college and his job in the library. He catches himself not listening a few times, thinking about his own job and that Nora’s child is sick so he might have to take her shifts. He thinks about missing Dr Sexy tonight. Dean promised to record the episode for him, but will he watch without him or wait 'til tomorrow so they can watch it together?

"And what about you? You go to college?" Zeke snaps him out of his thoughts. Cas shakes his head.

"No, I kinda didn’t have the opportunity. But I’d like to apply for a dance school."

"Wow. That’s great, but I heard it’s pretty hard," Zeke says and there’s something in his voice that makes Cas think that Zeke doubts he can make it.

"I know, that’s why I’m working hard, preparing myself."

Zeke nods, chewing a leaf of lettuce.

"You’re good. Just don’t be disappointed if they don’t accept you. People usually apply twice or more before they’re accepted."

Cas nods. "I know. I want to just try it this year so I know what to expect."

 

Cas checks his phone when he goes to use the bathroom and smiles when he sees a text from Dean. _Hows it goin?_

He feels warmth spreading through his chest and some treacherous part of his mind tells him that he should feel like that talking to his date and not reading a text from Dean.

 _He_ _'s_ _eat_ _ing_ _salad and has terrible taste in music._ He doesn’t know why he tells Dean that. The idea of Dean disapproving of Zeke is somehow comforting.

 _Ew. The guy needs a lot of pros to outweigh tho_ _se cons._

Cas huffs out a laugh and pushes his phone into his pocket.

 

After dinner they take a long walk. They walkclose to each other and after their hands bump a couple of times, Zeke tentatively intertwines their fingers. It’s nice, their hands don’t fit perfectly, but the warmth of Zeke’s skin is pleasant.

"So, the guy who walked you to the door when I picked you up was your dad?" Zeke asks suddenly and Cas bursts out laughing.

"No, he’s...he’s Dean, my friend. He lets me stay with him." He feels a sick weight settle in the pit of his stomach. It’s too close to his past and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He can’t tell Zeke. Not about being homeless and definitely not about prostitution. The thought makes him want to run away. Will he ever be able to tell someone? How can he have a serious relationship if he keeps such a big secret, He suddenly feels very uncomfortable, his hand in Zeke’s palm starts to sweat. He wiggles it out and blows his nose as an excuse, then he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

"So you don’t get along with your family?"

Cas shakes his head. "They kicked me out."

Zeke nods sympathetically. "My family doesn’t know. I chose a college on the other side of the country so I didn’t have to deal with them."

"Life sucks," Cas breaths out and Zeke smiles at him.

 

The club Zeke takes him to isn’t officially a gay bar but they’re not the only gay couple there for which Cas is grateful. The moment Zeke drags him onto the dance floor all the anxiety and dark thoughts fly away. Zeke is a great dancer and he looks even hotter in the lights of the club. When he grabs Cas’ hips, he wraps his arms around his neck and smiles at him brightly which makes the taller guy blush a little.

A few songs later they’re grinding together, hands skimming over every curve and edge of the other’s body. When Zeke’s hand finds its way into Cas’ hair, he knows that this is it. A moment later Zeke’s other hand grabs his ass and he’s pulled to his tiptoes. Zeke is too eager for his liking. There’s no gentle press of lips that would let Cas process the fact that they’re kissing. Zeke uses his tongue too soon, prodding into Cas' mouth which takes him by surprise. It’s awkward and not really pleasant. But when Zeke pulls away and smiles at him with affection, he decides that the feeling in his chest isn’t anxiety but excitement.

The second kiss is either much better or Cas is getting used to it.

Everything becomes a blur of sounds and lights and touching and then Cas realizes he’s pressed against a wall somewhere in the back of the club and Zeke is pulling his shirt up so he can touch bare skin while he presses wet kisses to Cas’ neck.

Cas’ chest constricts. He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath, trying to relax into the feeling of another body pressed to his. Zeke’s hand settles on the small of Cas’ back and he pulls him closer. Cas can feel his hardness through the fabric of his jeans. He freezes as if his blood turned into ice.

He can’t do this. It reminds him of all the backrooms and bathroom stalls and dark alleys he’s ever been in. It feels too much like what he used to do. And he doesn’t want it anymore. Dread overtakes him when he tries to push Zeke away. He’s scared the guy won’t let him, he fears that he will take what he wants despite Cas’ protests. But Zeke pulls away and looks down at Cas.

"You okay?" he asks with sincere concern. Cas shakes his head, tears prickling in his eyes. He pushes Zeke away and ignores his confused and worried shouts. He pushes his way through the crowd and out of the building.

He takes big gulps of fresh air as if he just emerged from water. He’s shaking, freezing from inside. So he runs.

He runs all the way to Dean’s house despite his protesting muscles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Pink Floyd


	11. Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments! They're really important for me, being the only feedback I get. It's great to know you like what I'm doing here and what you think about this story. So please keep them coming :)  
> You can also contact me on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)

Dean opens the door and for a moment he thinks he's somehow gone back in time. Cas is standing there, panting, tears running down his cheeks.

"Cas? What the hell?" He grabs the boy's shoulder and drags him inside. In the light of the entryway he finds out that Cas isn’t injured, at least not visibly. Dean feels like he might pass out with relief.

"Cas? Buddy, talk to me, what happened?" He shakes him gently and Castiel finally looks up at him.

"I couldn’t... I couldn’t..." he shakes his head and sobs.

"Oh god, Cas, if he hurt you I swear I’m gonna skin him alive."

Cas shakes his head again. "No. I just got scared." There’s a strange mixture of feelings reflecting on his face - guilt, embarrassment, relief.

"Okay, you know what? Let’s have a drink and when you calm down, you can tell me everything." He wraps one arm around Cas’ shaking shoulders and leads him to the living room, where Cas curls up on the couch.

 "Hot chocolate or whiskey?"

"Whiskey."

As Dean pours their drinks, Cas’ phone starts to ring. He pulls it out of his pocket and stares at it, frowning. When Dean realizes he’s not going to pick it up, he pries it gently from his fingers. The screen says it’s Zeke. Dean fights an urge to pick it up and ask the asshole what the fuck did he do to Cas, but he decides against it. He rejects the call and sets the phone on the coffee table. He sits next to Cas and hands him a tumbler. Cas thanks him silently with a nod and takes a huge gulp.

"Whoa, easy tiger!" Dean grabs his shoulder and Cas leans into the touch.

He drinks slowly, but doesn’t talk until the glass is empty, then he hands it to Dean for a refill.

"Have you eaten? Do you want something? Ice-cream maybe?"

The look Cas gives him makes Dean freeze. It looks like Cas wants to smite him.

"I’m gay, not a girl," he growls. Dean shrugs and obediently refills both their glasses.

He starts to worry that Cas won’t talk at all, but then Cas sighs.

"We made out and I freaked out and ran away." His cheeks are red, from embarrassment or from the alcohol, Dean doesn’t know.

"What was wrong?" Dean asks before he realizes it isn’t very tactful.

"Nothing. Everything," Cas breathes out and it looks like he’s about to start crying again. Dean's never known how to deal with crying people. He’s bad with words, he prefers action, so the only thing he can think of is pulling Cas into a hug.

The boy sniffs loudly into his ear and hooks his chin over Dean’s shoulder.

Dean rubs his back and realizes that his shirt is soaked with sweat, he must have run home.

Cas slowly pulls away looking much calmer.

"We were in some club, I liked it there, we danced and kissed and then we somehow ended up making out and it... it was dark there and it was hurried and-" he takes a deep breath to steady himself. "It felt like before. Like I was still a hooker and he was about to fuck me quickly in the bathroom of a filthy bar."

He knocks back the rest of his drink and hisses between gritted teeth at the burn.

"Then I pushed him away, I was so scared he wouldn't let me go. I thought he would-" he trails off and shakes his head. "But Zeke is a good guy. It wasn’t his fault."

Dean frowns. "Yeah, maybe, and maybe he shouldn’t have gone on you so fast."

Cas gives him a weak smile. "You know what? I’d like some ice cream."

Dean grins at him and ruffles his hair. "As you wish, darling." He jumps to his feet and trots to the kitchen. He comes back with a bucket of mint chocolate chip and two spoons. Cas’ face brightens up when he takes the bucket from Dean.

"Did you watch tonight’s Dr Sexy?" he asks sheepishly after a few spoonfuls.

"No. I thought we’d watch it together tomorrow."

The look Cas gives him makes him feel like there’s something caught in the cage of his ribs and it flutters its wings happily.

 

They watch the show shoulder to shoulder sharing a bucket of ice cream, when they feel cold, Dean drapes a blanket over both of them and pours them another drink. He feels the buzz of the alcohol, but it’s pleasant, it makes him relaxed. That’s probably why he doesn’t feel bad when he wraps one arm around Cas and pulls him closer. The boy leans his head on Dean’s shoulder. The puff of his hot breath every time he laughs tickles Dean’s neck.

They stay like that even after the final credits. Then Cas looks at his empty class and then checks how much is left in Dean’s.

He grabs Dean’s glass without a word and finishes it so he can refill both glasses. Dean turns the TV off. Cas curls up against him again and Dean tugs the blanket around them. The room is dark, the only light coming from the kitchen. Together with the warmth of Cas’ body it makes Dean a bit sleepy, but he doesn’t want to go to bed.

"So was the date good apart from the finale?"

"I don’t know. It wasn’t... it definitely wasn’t perfect, but I guess it’s stupid to expect perfect."

"I don’t know. Maybe perfect is too much, but on the other hand you shouldn’t settle for something you don’t really want. And seriously, Cas. Salad and no Pink Floyd?"

Cas chuckles and nods. "Yeah. And that wasn’t the worst."

"What was then?"

Cas hides his face in the blanket and shakes his head. "I can’t tell you!"

"Oh come on. Tell me!" He pokes Cas’ ribs which makes him squirm and giggle.

He leans closer and whisper into Dean’s ear. "He was a bad kisser."

Dean looks him in the eyes with the most serious expression he can muster with all the alcohol in his blood and the giddiness he’s feeling.

"That’s really bad."

"I know, right?" Cas laughs. "Maybe he isn’t a bad kisser, maybe we’re just not compatible, you know what I mean?"

Dean’s eyes drop to Cas’ lips. "Yeah, I know." He feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest any minute. Cas just sighs and looks into his glass, swirling the golden liquid.

"I don’t have a lot of experience with dating, but this was just bad. I kept thinking about... other things. It felt like wasting time. We didn’t really have much to talk about. I think he finds me kinda weird."

"You are kinda weird."

"Hey!" Cas punches Dean’s chest, but he’s smiling.

"You’re weird, but I like it. You’re unique." Cas squints at him, trying to determine whether he’s serious or not.

"Thank you, I guess," he mumbles eventually.

Dean yawns and this time it’s him who leans his head on Cas’ shoulder. "You’ll find somebody perfect. Somebody, who feels right."

Castiel sighs. "I don’t know. I’m not sure I'll ever be able to have a serious relationship. Not with my past."

"Your past is in the past, Cas, you shouldn’t worry about it."

"I don’t. Or at least I try not to. But somebody might. If I ever have a boyfriend, I should tell him. But when I though Zeke was gonna ask, I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell him."

 "I agree that if it gets serious, they should know. But I don’t think it’s a thing you should tell them on the first date. Hey, I’m Cas, I like bees and I used to turn tricks."

Cas huffs out a laugh, but Dean continues more seriously.

"It’s nobody’s business until you decide they deserve to know. And I’m sure you’ll find a guy who’ll understand and won’t mind what you used to do."

Dean is looking him in the eyes and he notices something, some emotion he can’t name, flicker over Cas’ face.

The silence stretches, it feels heavy and charged.

Cas licks his lips before he finally speaks and Dean has to force himself to look back into his eyes.

"The problem is," Cas says, his voice a deep rumble. "I already know the perfect guy. Only he’s not interested in men."

Dean thinks his blood might be boiling in his veins. He can’t rip his eyes off Cas’ face, it feels like the young man is the center of the universe. Dean knows he should be shocked, he should be speechless. Maybe it’s the alcohol; maybe his mind just can’t hold the thought back anymore.

"How can he know if he never tries?"

Cas’ eyes go wide and his lips part. He inches closer, but it’s Dean who closes the distance between them.

Cas’ lips are warm and soft and taste faintly like whiskey. The kiss is soft and short. Dean pulls away and looks at Cas. He’s breathing fast with his lips still parted. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights, eyes glued to Dean’s lips. He blinks slowly, once, twice, then he lifts his eyes to meet Dean’s and he smiles. Dean would've bet a ray of sunshine filled the room with how bright and warm the smile is. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Before he can stop himself, his hand is on the back of Cas’ neck and he’s pulling him in for another kiss. Cas hums and props himself on his hands against Dean’s chest.

* * *

 

This is how Cas imagines a perfect kiss. Just a gentle press of lips before Dean’s tongue swipes over the seam of Cas’ mouth, waiting for him to let him in, which Cas does eagerly. The feeling of Dean’s tongue against his sends shockwaves of sensation through Cas’ body. Dean uses his hand in Cas’ hair to tilt his head to a perfect angle. Cas shivers and presses himself closer to him. He feels warm and safe and _right_. The kiss ends up with a gentle nip to Cas’ lower lip. Cas lets out a content sigh and nuzzles at the crook of Dean’s neck when Dean shifts on the couch into a more comfortable position - lying with Cas on top of him. The steady rise and fall of Dean’s chest soon lulls him to sleep.

* * *

 

Cas blinks his eyes open. Dean isn’t there but the blanket smells of him and Cas buries his face into it. His heart swells when he thinks about last night. If anyone told him it would happen, he wouldn’t believe. It seemed impossible for Dean to reciprocate Cas’ feelings even in the slightest. Cas touches his lips with the tips of his fingers, trying to remember the exact feeling of Dean’s kiss.

He tumbles out of his makeshift bed on the couch and looks at the clock on the DVD player. It’s 11 AM. Why did Dean let him sleep so late? Cas expects him to be in the kitchen. He goes there with a smile on his lips, humming a melody he isn't sure where he picked up. The kitchen is empty. Cas would never expect himself to be so disappointed by an absence of breakfast or a note reminding him to eat. He frowns, an uneasy feeling creeping through his veins. Then he realizes it’s Saturday and Dean had to go to work. He probably woke up hangover and didn’t have time to eat his own breakfast let alone prepare something for Cas. Relieved, Cas makes himself a coffee and a bowl of cereal. He has a day off. He was supposed to be recovering after a great date with Zeke. He feels like he should be upset about how that ended up, but he can’t. Without the disaster of a date, the kiss wouldn’t have happened.

He goes for his morning run even though it’s pretty late, then he decides to take a bath instead of a shower. The embrace of hot water feels perfect. Cas realizes he hasn't feel so content in a very long time. He’s so hopeful about his relationship with Dean that he’s a bit scared, but he doesn’t allow himself any doubts. The happiness he’s feeling is too intoxicating, he doesn’t care it might be just a wishful thinking. He immerses himself into fantasies instead. He imagines how different his living with Dean might be from now on, while staying exactly the same. He thinks about them joking and teasing each other as they’re used to, but ending up kissing and cuddling. He thinks about goodnight kisses and sharing a bed. He didn’t know he wanted this. A few months ago, he believed he’d never have those things. He believed he was lost, too broken to ever lead a normal life. But Dean made him believe in himself. He was here for Cas, caring, supporting, and now Cas can do the same, he can take care of Dean, show him how much he’s worth. He imagines caressing Dean’s body with gentle touches, pampering his skin with kisses. He dreams about Dean flushed and trembling, moaning Cas’ name, begging him to never stop.

Cas starts to stroke himself lazily.  It’s been a long time since he stopped seeing sex as something desirable, pleasurable. It’s just another thing Dean has changed. When Cas thinks about Dean touching him, he isn’t scared, he isn’t anxious. He feels safe with Dean. He trusts him.

He imagines Dean as he touches himself, his hand slides further down and he circles his hole with the tip of his finger. His muscles are loose thanks to the hot water and his finger slides in with little resistance. Cas lets out a sigh. He hasn't let anyone touch him, nor has he touched himself like this since the alley. But right now he doesn’t think about pain, about all the times somebody fucked him when he didn’t really want it. He thinks about Dean. He wants Dean to fuck him, to fill him. He imagines being stretched around Dean’s cock and moans loudly, the sound echoes between the bathroom walls. He strokes himself hard and fast, his moans mixing with the splashing of the water. He squeezes his eyes shut as he rides his orgasm. He shakes through the waves of pleasure, until his body goes lax.

When he gets out of the bath, he’s sure nothing in the world can wipe the blissed out smile off his face.

 

Dean comes home around 3pm and Cas fights the urge to run to the door and kiss him. Instead he goes to greet him with a bright smile.

The moment he sees him, even though he doesn’t see Dean’s face, even though he doesn’t say a thing, Cas knows that something is wrong. It’s like an aura around him. His eyes flick to Cas when he says hi, but then he averts them again and goes to the kitchen, busying himself with cooking. Maybe it’s the way he holds himself, somewhat stiff, that gives away his wallhas been put up. It makes Cas feel cold and empty inside. All the joy, the hope that has been filling him up to the brim drains away and leaves just a flutter of last hope in his chest. He follows Dean and leans against the counter where Dean’s working.

"How have you been?" He tries to pour as much affection into his words as he can, smiling warmly, inspecting Dean’s face for the smallest reaction. But Dean’s face is blank.

"Fine." The clipped answer feels like a punch in a gut.

"Can you finish this? I have to make a call," he asks and as soon as Cas nods, he leaves.

Cas is so shell-shocked that he can’t even think about what's going on. He just goes through the motions of preparing food. He feels hollow, emotionless, like he's not even really present in his body.

Maybe it’s because he already knows what's going on but admitting it would hurt too much so he just blocks the thought.

 

They eat the dinner in silence, then Dean excuses himself and tells Cas that he has to go to the Roadhouse, because Ellen needs his help. Cas feels like a lifeless puppet when he nods.

He is still sitting at the table when the front door slams shut behind Dean. He hears the Impala’s engine through the window.

Being all alone in an empty house, he can’t fight his thoughts anymore. The emptiness in his chest fills with pain, disappointment and anger. Because what the hell did he expect? How could he think Dean would want him? How stupidly naive he’s been, imagining their perfect relationship? Dean was drunk, he didn’t have control over his actions and he probably deeply regrets what he’s done. How could he not? Cas is just a filthy whore. Dean deserves someone much better, there’s nothing Cas could offer to someone like Dean.

Cas does the dishes, then drags himself into his room. He curls in his bed and reads until his eyes burn and he can’t keep them open.

He doesn’t know that when Dean comes home, he goes to check on him. He doesn’t see him looking at Cas with his heart pounding vigorously in his chest before he turns the lamp off and whispers "Sweet dreams."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by The Smiths


	12. I don't know where the lights are taking us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy you liked the last chapter and left amazing comments! I hope this chapter will fix the angst and explain why Dean's been a dumbass.  
> Enjoy ^^

 

Dean panicked. The moment he woke up snuggled with Cas and the memories of the last night rushed into his mind, he freaked out.

He couldn’t breathe; he wanted to run away, he wanted to scream. But there was sleeping Castiel curled on his chest so he carefully untangled himself from the boy's embrace without waking him. When he got up, Cas curled into a ball and wrapped the blanket around himself, mumbling something unintelligible. Dean ignored the part of himself that told him to get back under the blanket, pull Cas as close as possible and fall back to sleep.

He went into the bathroom instead, hopeful that a hot shower would solve things, that it would wash away all the feelings that were threatening to suffocate him. He was confused. He knew what happened, but couldn’t explain why. It would have been easy to blame it on alcohol, but it would have been a lie. The alcohol had just torn down Dean’s barriers. He had acted on the thoughts he'd tried to bury in the deepest corners of his mind for weeks, months even.

He couldn’t deny he had been curious what it would have felt like to kiss Cas. But he hadn’t meant to do it, for god’s sake!

Everything about it was so wrong. The poor boy would think it had meant something and Dean would have to break his heart. Because it hadn’t meant anything, right? They had been drunk; Dean had been curious, nothing more. Then why was his heart beating like crazy when he thought about the kiss, about Cas’ body under his palms, about Cas’ lips and the way he had smiled after Dean had kissed him?

Dean ran both his hands through his wet hair and groaned.

It _couldn’t_ mean anything. It shouldn’t have happened.

Pain throbbed in Dean’s head, hard to say if it was hangover or the weight of his thoughts.

He decided it would be the best if he didn’t think about it. He didn’t want to pretend that the kiss hadn’t happen. He just hoped his thoughts would sort themselves and until then, he planned to keep himself busy.

 

It's been almost a week since the kiss and Dean is still stickingto his plan.

On Sunday he goes to watch Ben's baseball match. He asks Cas to go with him, but he has to go to work.

It's a two hourdrive, but it's worth it. Ben's team wins and they go for a celebratory dinner and pie. Lisa doesn't even look angry when they return pretty late.

Monday is hell because he hasn't slept much since he came home and that was long after midnight. He drifts off on the couch and when he wakes up, Cas is already back from his shift and asleep.

They barely exchange a few words these days. Dean doesn't find it strange, blaming it on them being busy. The whole week goes like that until Sunday finally brings them together.

"I'm gonnamake some cookies, do you wanna help?" he asks Cas who's going through a bookshelf, picking a new book to read.

"No, I don´t think so." His voice is quiet and flat. Something in Dean's chest twists with a memory of Cas shortly after he moved in with Dean. Dean looks at him and it feels like he's truly seeing him for the first time in god knows how long. Cas' face is pale with dark circles under his eyes.

"Cas? Are you okay?" he asks.

The boy huffs out a breath. "Of course I am."

Dean frowns and grabs his shoulder, forcing Cas to face him. "Have you even eaten during last week?"

"Of course I ate, Dean." Cas shrugs his hand off.

Dean raises an eyebrow. "Breakfasts?"

Cas' eyes dart away and Dean sighs. "Come on, Cas. You look like shit."

"Oh thank you, that's a very useful information," Cas snaps.

It makes Dean realize that something is seriously wrong, he was so focused on himself that he didn't notice.

"What happened, Cas?"

"Nothing," he spits out, turning back to the bookshelf.

"Cas-"

"Nothing happened. I expected something to happen, but it didn't." The anger in his voice makes Dean's hair stand on the end.

"But I get it, okay? I get that you don't want it. But I seriously believed I was worth an explanation. That I deserved at least a stupid 'It was a mistake and it won't happen again.' But obviously not. So nothing, Dean. Absolutely nothing has happened."

Dean stares at him with mouth agape. "I have no idea what are you talking about."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, Cas, I don't know what was supposed to happen."

"I don't know! Something! Anything! I just expected a change and you locking yourself out wasn't the change I hoped for. Fuck, I was so naive," he adds on an exhale and pinches the bridge of his nose, shaking his head.

The only thing Dean's able to get out is "Why?"

Cas looks at him and his eyes look like there are bolts of lightning trapped in them, ready to strike Dean.

"Well, you might have forgotten, but we kissed, Dean. I'm sorry I thought it meant something, but if you wanted to pretend it didn't happen, you forgot to yell _no homo_!"

With that he stomps out of the room and runs up the stairs.

_Shit! The kiss!_ Dean should have realized it was about the kiss. He somehow expected Cas to confront him on it and when he didn't, Dean thought it was okay. He was actually relieved that it didn't change anything between them. But now he sees how wrong he was. They were a couple of dumbasses, not able to talk to each other.

 

"No!" Cas yells when he knock on his door. Dean enters anyway. Cas is sitting on his bed with his back turned to the door. He looks at Dean over his shoulder.

"Get the fuck out of my room."

"Well, it's actually my room, since it's my house," Dean says without thinking and curses himself when Cas stands up, squaring his shoulders in a defensive posture.

"Well, then I should leave."

"No, Cas, please, calm down." He takes a step forward, reaching his hand to touch him but Cas flinches away. Dean's chest is constricted with fear, fear of Cas leaving him.

"Please, Cas, let's talk about it. I know we should have spoken before now and I'm sorry."

"I don't want to talk, Dean. I know exactly how it is. And I know what you are going to say. That you were drunk, that you didn't mean it, that you're not like that. You know what? I believed it for a moment. Then I remembered the way you kissed me, the way you held me. And I _know_ it meant something to you. I know you wanted it. But you're a coward Dean! A goddamn coward unable to admit your feelings. Scared of losing your masculinity if you allow yourself to like a guy. Your internalized homophobia is unbelievable! They should write books about you! You're so deep in the closet you found Christmas presents!"

There's a moment of silence interrupted only by the sounds of their ragged breathing. They are staring at each other, the air between them buzzing with emotions.

 

Then the anger starts to drain from Cas' face as he starts to recognize the emotions in Dean's. It's shock at first, then it makes room for hurt. Hurt so deep that it makes Cas' breath catch in his lungs. He feels like waking up from a dream, like he was possessed and now he's come back to his senses and sees what he's done. He wants to take it back, wants to wipe the expression from Dean's face. But before he can collect himself, Dean's expression changes again, the hurt being exchanged with anger.

He doesn't say a thing, which is much worse than if he yelled. He turns around and leaves, slowly, with the kind of calm that comes with anger simmering through veins. 

Cas groans and tugs at his hair. He screwed up. He didn't have any right to say those things. No one has a right to say those things. But during the weeks of silent treatment (and he honestly doesn't remember who started that) he went through so many different emotions from disappointment, through sadness to anger. The anger was the easiest to deal with so Cas stuck with that and when Dean finally addressed the matter, he snapped.

Now he feels like an idiot. He paces back and forth, not sure whether he should try to talk to Dean or let him cool off. He decides that if they don't talk now, he won't find the courage later. Even if Dean yells at him, it's better than the uneasy silence they shared for last two weeks.

He slowly opens the door to Dean's bedroom, suddenly feeling nervous, because he's never been in there before. As he steps in, he understands why. The room looks more like a shrine. There are photos everywhere, of Ben as a child, of Sam and Dean's parents, even some of Lisa. The bedroom is where Dean keeps his memories.

Dean doesn't react when Cas enters the room even though he must have heard the door. He's lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Cas' eyes skim over all the faces from Dean's past, looking at him from the walls. He feels a lump in his throat and doesn't know how to start. He shifts his weight awkwardly; the floorboard squeaking under him, but Dean doesn't move, doesn't acknowledge his presence at all.

Cas takes a deep breath. He wants to fix this. Whatever it will cost, he wants to try at least. His relationship with Dean, whatever nature it is, is too important.

"Dean, I'm sorry I didn't realize that-"

"Didn't realize that what?" Dean cuts him off, propping himself on an elbow so he can look at him.  "That it was the first motherfucking time I kissed a guy? That I'm confused? That I don't have any idea what to do or even what to feel?" There's anger in Dean's voice, but under it there's a layer of pain. Cas wants to reach for him and hold him tight, he wants to make it all better. He drops himself on the edge of the bed.

"Dean, look I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said those things. I know I was being an asshole."

"You don't know anything," Dean sighs and lies down, closing his eyes.

"Then tell me, Dean. Please. There's no way out of this other than talking," Cas pleads. He unwittingly touches the back of Dean's hand with the tips of his fingers. Dean balls it into a fist.

"You're right. I am a coward. I always have been," he says and Cas feels a claw of sadness squeezing his heart. He didn't mean it. Dean is the bravest person he knows, he hates that he made Dean think of himself this way.

"I told you that I had to shoplift so Sam and I had something to eat, right? I was pretty good at it and I got cocky. They caught me and-"He laughs mirthlessly. "Dad told the sheriff to do whatever he wanted to do with me, that I deserved to be punished. They put me into a home for delinquent boys. I stayed there for a few weeks." Another huff of a laugh that makes Cas' heart ache. "It was more of a home for me than whatever dad had ever given me. But I couldn't stay there, I couldn't leave Sam alone with dad."

"I'm sorry," Cas whispers, but Dean shakes his head and continues.

"There was a boy... we got really close, we shared a bed when we missed our families too much and when we were sure everybody else was asleep. One of those nights-" He takes a deep breath, it's clear that it's difficult to get the words out. His voice is quiet as he continues, as if he's afraid someone would hear and be angry with him.

"He tried to kiss me. And I wanted it, hell did I want it." His voice shakes and Cas thinks there are tears glimmering in his eyes but he can´t be sure.

"But the moment he leaned in, I got scared. I heard my dad's voice in my head talking about fags and how they weren't real men. And I knew he wanted me to be a real man, a good man. And after I had disappointed him so much, I couldn't... I couldn't do it." He takes in another shaky breath, bracing himself to continue.

"So I yelled at him, asked him what the hell he was doing, I woke up all the other boys and called him a faggot. They started to bully him and I didn't stop them, fuck I might have even helped them, because I was scared that they'd somehow see... that they'd know that I wanted him to kiss me. I was a coward, Cas." He sniffs loudly and wipes his tears angrily with the back of his hand.

This time Cas doesn't hesitate and grabs Dean's hand, squeezing it to comfort his friend, but Dean wrenches his hand out of his grip.

"I never thought of myself as homophobic, I simply never felt any hate, I didn't understand it. But I... I went with the flow. I didn't want to stand out. When I was in high school I felt...sometimes I felt arousal when I saw guys in the locker room, but I ignored it. I told myself I couldn't be gay. Not only because it would make me wrong in the eyes of my father and my friends, but also because I liked girls. I did, I really liked them, so I thought it wasn't possible for me to be gay." He shakes his head and rubs his forehead as if trying to get rid of the painful memories.

"I know it must sound stupid for you, but it was different when I was young. There wasn't anyone to talk to about these things. There weren't queer characters in movies. And if there were, they were gay and they were ridiculous. And when I heard about people who liked both men and women, it was presented to me as something even more twisted than being gay. Because you know, gays can't choose to be normal, but bisexuals can."

"You know that's not true," Cas bursts out. He´s angry. Not at Dean, but at the society which makes young kids feel like that. How awful is it that people are raised to hate themselves and others for what they are, for what they can't change?

"I know it now," Dean says. "Because you came and talked about things I'd never thought about. You made me question the things I was raised to believe. And I realized how stupid they were. So I started to doubt, to be curious. I let the things I buried ages ago leak out. And when I finally did what I wanted to do for weeks, I freaked out. It was the same as in the home, curled next to my roommate, surrounded by people who might judge me."

Cas shuts his eyes and hides his face in his hands. He should have realized it. He should have known Dean would feel like that, he should have been there to help him, to support him. Instead he was selfish and stupid and he hurt Dean. He did exactly what Dean was afraid of. He judged him and hurt him.

"But I didn't want to pretend that it didn't happen. I just didn't know what to do, how to deal with it. So I just didn't. Because I'm still the same coward I was as a boy."

"No, Dean, no!" Cas looks at him with urgency. He leans on his hands so his face gets closer to Dean's.

"It wasn't your fault! None of it. If there's anyone to blame, it's the people around you. You were practically forced to do everything you did."

Dean opens his mouth to protest, but Cas doesn't let him.

"Believe me, I've been there! I was told that what I felt was wrong. That _I_ was wrong and needed to change. And I desperately tried to fit in, to meet other people's expectations."

"But you didn't hurt other people doing so."

"No, I hurt myself," Cas shakes his head. "It was only thanks to my friend Anna. that I got out of it. Without her I'd never stand up for myself."

"But you suffered for that."

"Yes I did." Cas swallows over the lump in his throat. "But anything, and I really mean _anything_ that happened was better than keeping my old life, pretending I was something I was not."

"See? That's what makes you and I different. You're brave and I'm a coward."

"For fuck's sake, Dean, stop saying that! The difference is that I had someone to help me, to support me when I fought for myself."

There's a moment of silence, Cas breathes heavily, trying to steady his racing heart and Dean looks at him as if he's something from another world.

"Dean, what I said was terrible. I was stupid for saying that, I had no right, I was just as terrible as all those people who made you think there might be something wrong with you."

"You had every right to be angry."

"That doesn't matter. What matters is that I want to be here for you. I want to be for you what Anna was for me. I want to support you while you discover yourself. And even if you realize you're not into dudes, it's okay. Questioning is alright. And I'm your friend."

Dean's lips part and his eyes skim over Cas' faces, looking for something that would betray his words, but all he can find is honesty.

"Thank you, Cas," he breaths out. This time it's him who reaches for Cas' hand and takes it into his.

Cas smiles at him. "I like you, Dean. Hell, maybe even more than that."

Dean sits up with a start.

"Don't say that," he blurs out, looking alarmed.

Cas squints at him, tilting his head to one side. "Why? It's true."

"No, it isn't. I mean... you're very young. And I was young once so I know how it is. That everything seems bigger and deeper and more important than it is."

"Are you trying to belittle my feelings, because of my age?"

"No! I'm just saying that... that it's easy for you to... misunderstand your feelings."

Cas grits his teeth and Dean must notice his expression because he struggles hurriedly for better words.

"Look, Cas, you barely know me. Those things I told you today? They're just the tip of the iceberg. There's much more about me you don't know and you wouldn't like."

"You can't know that! I like what I know about you and I want to get to know more. Just give me a chance to form my own opinion."

Dean sighs and rakes his fingers through his hair. "I don't think you really like me, Cas. You like the idea of me. I helped you, so you idolize me. But I'm not a hero. I'm just an old fuck up."

"Stop that!" Cas barks. "You're not old nor a fuck up! People get married at your age, start school or business or move to Europe. You can start a whole new life if you want! And the fact that you've made some mistakes in your life doesn't make you a lost cause!"

The expression like Cas is some kind of a magical being is back on Dean´s face.

"You're too good for your own good. You deserve much better than this." He taps his chest with fingers of both his hands. "You're the one who should try to get the best out of your life. Not get stuck with someone... like me, just because you feel grateful."

"Dean, you really don't get it, do you? Of course I like you partly because you saved me. But not because I feel like I owe you. The fact that you saved me shows how good you are. _That's_ why I like you. Because you're good and caring. You listen to good music and cook awesome meals and make stupid jokes that are still kinda funny. I like you because what you are, not for what you did."

"I like you too, Cas. For god's sake how could I not like you? You're awesome. But look at us, Cas. We're... the difference is too much."

"The age difference? It isn't if we don't feel like it is."

Dean shakes his head and places a gentle hand on Cas' thigh. "No, Cas. It really is a problem. You don't see it now but you will eventually. We're in utterly different phases of our lives. You still have a lot to learn, you have to make your own mistakes. I don't want to be one of them."

Cas grabs Dean's shoulders, his eyes pleading for Dean to understand his point of view.

"I know that and you're right. But who says I can't learn all those things I need to learn by your side? You can help me to learn them. I want to make mistakes with you. I want you to do silly things with me, because you had to be mature and responsible too soon. I don't want to share all the good things that the future has for me with somebody else, purely because they're my age and you're not."

"Cas," Dean moans leaning his head on Cas' shoulder. "You'll be the death of mine."

Castiel gently pets Dean's hair. "I just... I wish we could just pick up where we left off. To pretend that we woke up on the couch together and continue with our life together, the only change being that we don't restrain our feelings. I like what we have. But I like the idea of what we could have even more. I wanna snuggle with you and hold your hand and kiss you goodnight."

Dean's lips curl into a smile at the idea.

"And if it doesn't work, than what? It doesn't have to be a mistake. Not giving it a chance would be a mistake. I don't want to run away from it and regret it later, thinking of what if."

Dean lifts up his head and looks Cas in the eyes.

They're so close that Cas feels his hot breath on his lips. "You're incredible, Cas. You might be younger than me, but you're much wiser."

Cas smiles and averts his eyes, blushing a little.

"Does that mean you want to try?"

"Yes," Dean breathes out. "But you need to be patient with me. Don't give up on me when I freak out."

Cas shoots him his brightest smile, all teeth and gums and squinty eyes. "I won't."

Dean smiles softly and pulls Cas into a hug. "You're the worst and the best thing that has happened to me in a long time."

Cas wants to tell Dean, that he's definitely the best thing that happened to him _ever_ , but he doesn't want to scare him off. He pulls away so he can see his face.

"May I kiss you?" he asks bashfully.

Dean nods, the skin around his eyes crinkles with a smile.

Cas leans in and presses a soft, chaste kiss to his lips.

"God, I can't believe the emotional outbursts we just got through." Dean shakes his head. "We're a couple of dumbasses."

"I'd prefer something with less dumb, less ass." Not that he has anything against ass, he certainly hopes they'll get there eventually.

Dean tilts his head. "That would leave us with couple."

"Well, we have to work on that, but at least we're on the way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Dangerous by Davit Guetta


	13. No One Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we all deserve some fluff :)

They bake cookies. There’s still some tension between them. Every look, every touch, every smile they share is tentative. Dean realizes that they’re dancing around each other like schoolboys and it makes him laugh.

"What?" Cas asks,  when Dean doubles over and bursts out laughing all of a sudden. He’s looking at him like his laugh is the weirdest, yet also the most interesting thing in the whole universe.

"Nothing I just... look at us. We’re dancing around each other with heart eyes, talking in hushed voices, like a pair of saps from a chick flick."

Cas pouts, but his eyes sparkle with amusement. "I’m not looking at you with heart eyes."

Dean raises an eyebrow and steps closer, right into Cas’ personal space. "No? How can you tell? Youcan't  see yourself."

Cas snorts. "You just wish my crush on you was as hard as your crush on me."

"Oh, you sure I have a crush on you?"

"There’s a white handprint on my ass where you touched me with your flour covered hand!"

"It was an accident!"

"Accident, my ass!"

"Stop talking about your ass!"

"Why? Does it distract you?" Cas turns around and leans on his elbows against the counter, he wiggles his butt teasingly. There actually is a pretty prominent handprint over one of his back pockets.

"You little shit!" Dean laughs and throws a pinch of flour on him. It catches in his dark hair and on his shoulders.

Cas slowly straightens himself and gives Dean a death stare. "This is war, Winchester!"

Then everything passes in a blur of movement, clouds of flour, undignified giggling and the occasional squeal.

The flour is everywhere, on their faces, in their hair and clothes, on the floor and counters.

"You asshole, I’m the one who’llhave to clean it up!" Cas complains when they stop to catch theirbreath, each of them on the different side of the breakfast bar.

"You started it!" Dean protests.

"You liar!"

"What did you call me?"

"A filthy liar!" Cas’ impish grin is  contagious, it makes Dean’s heart pound fiercely in his chest.

He looks around and grabs a spatula. "I’m gonna spank you," he threatens, but the look Cas gives him makes him blush.

"Oh, are you?" Cas teases, making it impossible for Dean to back off.

The moment he jumps over the island, Cas squeals and bursts into a giggling fit, because let’s face it, Dean is too old for such acrobatic stunts so he’s glad it didn’t kill him. When he collects himself enough to start chasing Cas, the boy is laughing so hard, he can’t put up any resistance. Only when Dean tries to actually slap his ass with the spatula, Cas tries to snatch it from his hand. Dean hides it behind his back which gives Cas an opportunity to press his body against his and wrap his arms around his waist in an attempt to reach it. Dean laughs and raises the spatula above his head, so Cas can’t reach it. It results into some "accidental" groping and pouty face from Cas. Dean rolls his eyes and lowers the spatula a bit, so Cas can snatch it from his fingers and with a victorious whoop give Dean’s ass a slap.

"Schoolboys," Dean sighs and shakes his head.

"I’m a schoolboy, you’re an old grump."

Dean catches him off guard as he grabs him and starts to tickle him mercilessly .

"Take it back!" he shouts over Cas’ shrieking and squealing. He squirms and tries to wiggle out of Dean’s grip but even though Cas has gained some muscle, Dean is still broader and taller so he manages to keep theupper hand until Cas gives up and goes lax in his arms.

They’re both panting and leaning into each other. When Dean notices how his breath ruffles the hair on the back of Cas’ neck, he realizes that he’s practically hugging Cas from behind. He slowly lets go of him, immediately missing the warmth of his body. Cas turns to face him, eyes wide and cheeks pink. Dean chuckles and brushes off a smear of flour off his forehead. Cas smiles, it’s small, but genuine and it lights up a fire in Dean’s chest that spreads through his body, leaving him gasping for breath, even after Cas leaves to get a broom and dustpan.

 

When the cookies are finally done, they eat them in the kitchen, sipping milk and chatting.

"What’s your most precious childhood memory?" Cas asks.

"I don’t have many happy memories." Dean frowns. "I used to have some with mom, but they’re blurry now. I can’t even tell if they really happened." He sighs and Cas nudges his leg with his foot in a kind of comforting gesture.

"There were some happy moments with Sam, when we managed to forget the mess we were living in and we were just boys. Like when we set off the fireworks in a field on the fourth of July. We were happy when dad dropped us at Bobby’s..." He doesn’t say anything more, but he seems lost in the memories. Cas watches him with sympathetic look, munching a cookie.

When it seems Dean isn't  about to tell him more, Cas breaks the silence.

"I think I should try to find Gabriel. My older brother Gabriel," he adds when Dean looks at him.

"Okay, great," he smiles. "I’ll ask Sam if he can help you."

"Are you sure he’ll be willing to help me?"

"Why not?"

"Doesn’t he think I wanna seduce you and then run away with all your money?"

Dean chokes on laugher. "Oh so that was your evil plan?"

"I’d be stupid to choose you and not someone much richer and at least a bit gayer."

Dean shakes his head, laughing. "Well, to be honest, he was a bit worried at first, but I think he trusts you because I do. And even if not, it doesn’t matter. You’re my friend and if I ask him to help you, he’ll do it."

"Thanks. But I’m still afraid he’ll hate me if we ever meet."

"Oh come on! I actually think you two would get along better than you and me. You have a lot in common with the nerdy stuff and social justice. You’re awesome. I don’t see a reasonwhy he would dislike you."

Cas smiles at him fondly and Dean’s heart stammers. He’s suddenly aware of Cas’ leg touching his under the table and of the little speck of chocolate on Cas’ lower lip. He cups Cas’ cheek with his hand and the boy looks at him expectantly through his long lashes.

The way Dean kisses him isn't like anything Cas knows. It’s like he’s performing some sacred ritual that requires his undiluted focus. He’s examining and experimenting as if comparing this kiss to every other kiss he’d ever experienced. Not many people would expect something so gentle from someone like Dean, but Cas isn’t surprised in ~~at~~ the slightest. He knows Dean, he knows what’s hiding under the gruff facade.

He could spend the rest of his life being kissed like this. Feeling the gentle press of Dean’s plump lips, tasting chocolate chip cookies on Dean’s tongue.

Dean strokes Cas’ cheekbone with the pad of his thumb as he pulls away.

"Part of me keeps thinking this should be awkward," he says softly.

Cas’ heart flutters, he tries to keep his lips from curling up into a smile.

"But it doesn’t?"

"No. It actually feels pretty awesome," Dean admits with a chuckle and presses another kiss to Cas’ lips. This time short and chaste. Cas smiles against his lips.

"I’m going to call Sam, before I forget about it." When Dean leaves, Cas lets out a contented sigh. He doesn’t expect Dean to drop all his prejudice, fear and internalized bullshit all at once. He knows Dean has a long way to go, but he’s going to be there for him and he’s going to enjoy every kiss and even the smallest confession.

Dean comes back a few minutes later looking like he’s just seen a ghost.

"What’s wrong? Did something happen to Sam?"

"Ugh, no, no, he’s alright. But you’ll have an opportunity to find out whether he hates you or not very soon."

Cas raises his eyebrows. "What?"

"He’s comingover."

"Oh."

Dean laughs when he sees Cas’ dumbstruck face.

"Yeah _oh_. But don’t worry, he’s not gonna tear you a new one or anything."

"I won’t be calm until I hear that from him. Well, maybe not even then."

Dean chuckles, then his face turns serious. "But I think... It would be better to not...” He fidgets, avoiding Cas´ eyes as he struggles for words. ”To keep our whatever it is going on between us... I don’t want him to know," he finally spits out.

Cas feels a pang of pain in his chest, but he gets it. Dean isn’t on terms with his new-found bisexuality himself, it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to talk about it with his brother. Beside there’s no guarantee that this thing they have will work. There’s no reason to announce that they kissed twice in a local newspaper, right?

Cas really gets it, he doesn’t want to feel hurt and he definitely doesn’t want to sound bitter, when he speaks.

"Okay. Let’s keep it our little secret."

Dean frowns and purses his lips a bit, but doesn’t say anything.

"When is he coming?" Cas asks to break the silence that’s quickly becoming uncomfortable.

"Next week."

"Wow, okay," Cas nods and gets up to put the remaining cookies in a jar.

He starts a bit when he feels Dean’s big warm hand on his shoulder.

"Cas, are you really okay with that?"

Castiel sighs and turns tohim. "Yeah, Dean. You barely came out to yourself. I get that you aren’t ready to come out to your brother just yet. But promise me that when... if we become serious, you won’t keep us secret. I don’t want you to be ashamed of me."

"It’s not like that!" Dean starts to protest, but Cas presses his forefinger to his lips to shush him.

"I know, Dean. I’m just telling you what I’m afraid of, not that you’re already doing that."

Dean nods and Cas drops his hand to his side.

* * *

"Sooooo, what will we talk about today," Pamela rubs her hands as she starts her favorite type of torture. She makes them keep a difficult position, then starts to chatter happily while they’re straining their muscles and curse her in their minds.

Right now they’re lying on their backs with their knees bent and their butts in the air. It’s a good exercise for the booty, but right now Cas hates it.

"How are you tonight? What about you, Cassie?"

He huffs out a breath, cursing his luck that she focused on him. It used to be easier when she didn’t remember his name.

"You look happy. Are you in love?"

He looks at her with surprised eyes, it’s a bit awkward considering his position and that she’s standing above him.

"I ugh..." He doesn’t even know if what he feels for Dean is really love. And he definitely doesn’t want to talk about it with Pamela, not to mention the room full of people including the guy Cas once went on date with.

"Oooh, look at you all blushing," Pamela chirps. Of course his face is beet red, but he blames it on the work out.

"So what’s their name?"

He appreciates that Pamela doesn’t try to assume the gender of his love interest. He also realized that if he doesn’t tell her anything, she won’t let him alone."

"Dean," he breaths out.

"Oh, what a nice name! Is he hot?"

Cas can’t fight a smile when he thinks about Dean which should be embarrassing, but he doesn’t care right now. All he cares about is when he will be able to drop his ass on the floor and relax his muscles.

"Very hot," he answers and Pamela beams at him.

 "I hope he’ll appreciate the booty we’re working so hard on!" she raises her voice and claps her hands turning to the rest of the class. "Hold on for ten- nine- eight-"

 

It’s a surprise when Zeke approaches him in the locker room.

"So, you and Dean, huh? It’s your housemate, right?"

Cas finds it pretty awkward. They barely spoke after their attempt of a date and now he’s asking Cas about his new relationship. Cas curses Pamela for what must be a thousandth time that day.

"Uhm, yeah, yeah it’s him. But we’re... it’s pretty new." Cas shrugs one shoulder to imply that it’s not a big deal and focuses on buttoning his shirt up.

"I thought he was straight."

Cas’ eyes shoot up and he squirms at the taller guy. Is he accusing him of lying about the relationship? Is he jealous? It never occurred to Cas that Zeke could still want him after what happened on their date. He explainedto Zeke that he had a traumatizing experience and that he wasn’t ready for dating just yet and Zeke seemed to understand. So why is he questioning him now?

"Yeah, I was wrong about that."

Zeke’s eyebrows knit together for a moment, but than he gives Cas a sympathetic look.

"I believe you know what you’re doing. I just want you to be safe."

Cas’ eyes widen in surprise. So is this all about Zeke doubting that Dean is the right one for Cas? It’s ridiculous, but Castiel has to appreciate the sentiment.

"I am. I never felt so safe in my life."

Zeke gives him a soft smile and nods. "If you ever want to talk. I’m here."

Cas mirrors his smile and nods. "Thank you, Zeke."

Zeke turns to leave, but Cas grabs his shoulder.

"Wait. What about you? How are you?"

Zeke drops his eyes to the floor with a bashful smile. "I’m very well. I got back together with my ex, Abner."

"That’s good. Will it work this time?" Cas bites his lip the moment the words leave his mouth. He probably overstepped a boundary here. To his surprise Zeke beams at him.

"It didn’t work because he didn’t want to come out to his parents and because I left. Now he left home to move in with me so yes, I think it might work this time."

"I’m happy for you." Cas means it. It would never work between him and Zeke, but he’s a good guy and deserves a loving boyfriend. Now that he knows Zeke is taken and his interest in Cas’ happiness was genuine, he appreciates the guy even more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Scorpions


	14. I Won't Give Up On Us

Why don't you and Sam see each other more often?" Cas asks while they’re waiting at the airport.

"Because he lives so far away."

"The flight doesn't take long though."

"Ugh." Dean rubs the back of his neck, so Cas knows he's touched a nerve or something that makes Dean self-conscious. "I hate planes."

"You're scared of flying?"

"I'm not scared! I just find it stupid. It's insane to get voluntarily locked in a metal casket that is kept in the air by some doubtful physics laws."

Cas bursts into laughter and Dean's glare would probably make his head explode if it wasn't for someone yelling "Dean" over the crowd.

 Cas knew Sam was very tall, he's seen him in pictures with Dean. Seeing the giant of a man in person is still surprising. Despite his height and broad shoulders, there's nothing threatening about Sam Winchester. He's very handsome in an utterly different way than Dean, the only thing connecting them is the chin dimple they both inherited from their father. Sam has floppy hair and kind eyes, they're not as vibrant a color as Dean's, but are still beautiful.

Sam pulls his brother into a bone-crushing hug, then he looks at Cas and extends a hand.

Cas grasps it as firmly as he can and shakes. Sam shoots him a smile that doesn't really reach his eyes. "Castiel, nice to finally meet you."

"You too, Dean talks about you a lot," Cas says releasing Sam's hand. The tall man chuckles and pats his brother on the shoulder. "I hope you don't believe a damn word."

Sam and Dean chatter good naturedly during the ride home. Cas is silent on the backseat. He wouldn't admit it, but he's pretty nervous. He's worried that Sam won't like him, that he'll be mean to him or passive aggressive. But what he's really scared of is that Dean will side with his brother. If Sam decides to convince Dean that letting Cas live with him is a mistake, Cas is sure he'd be successful. Dean loves his brother and would do anything for him; it's one of the first things Cas learned about the guy. He can only hope to make a good impression on Sam.

When they arrive at Dean's house, Cas ushers them into the living room, promising to prepare dinner himself. It's actually cooked by Dean and he's just warming it up and making a salad. He feels like a housewife trying to impress her evil mother-in-law, but he doesn't even care. Sam is important to Dean, therefore it's important to Cas what Sam thinks of him. He's determined to do his best.

When they finish dessert, the Winchesters retreat to the living room and Cas stays to clean up. He's putting the leftovers into tupperware when Dean returns to grab them some beers. He wraps one arm around Cas' shoulder and presses a kiss to his temple. "Thank you," he whispers and leaves Cas blushing at the unexpected display of affection.

Cas doesn't even think when he takes his usual seat next to Dean on the couch. Only when he feels Dean stiffen, he realizes he might be suspiciously close. He shifts to the other end of the couch and looks at Sam, who's sitting in the recliner and doesn't seem to notice anything. They watch Game of Thrones, then Cas kicks Sam's ass in Mario Kart.

Soon Sam starts yawning, tired after the flight. He protests when Cas tells him to get his room, but Cas argues that he's the smallest one, so he should be the one sleeping on the couch. Sam gives him a genuine smile that makes Cas believe that he's managed to get into the younger Winchester's good books.

 

* * *

 

Dean yawns and stretches his arms as he goes up the stairs. He's happy. What's better than spending a nice evening with his little brother and his... with Cas. The two even seem to get along well, which isn't a surprise to him, but it makes everything even better anyway.

When Sam disappears into Cas' room, Dean sneaks out of his bedroom to return downstairs and give Cas a goodnight kiss. The boy looks like a huge baby bird in his nest of blankets on the couch and he blinks sleepily, when Dean ruffles his hair and presses their lips together. His dopey smile is the cherry on top of the awesome evening. The only better thing would be if Dean wasn't a chickenshit and told Sam about them, then they could share his bed and Cas wouldn't have to squeeze himself on the couch.

With a whispered good night, he heads back to his bedroom and freezes when he sees the silhouette of his Sasquatch of a brother on top of the stairs. One look at Sam's crossed arms and wrinkled brow tells him that he's in trouble. Sam motions him into his bedroom and follows him, closing the door.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam bursts out angrily the moment Dean turns to face him.

Dean squares his shoulders and lifts up his chin, he hates when his little brother talks to him like this. "Tell you what?"

"That you and Cas are together!"

Dean gasps. "We're not-"

"Oh don't even try, Dean! Do you think I'm stupid? Or blind? That I didn't notice how you look at each other? Your stolen touches?"

Dean takes a deep breath in an attempt to collect himself. He should have known, he should have known that Sam would see right through him.

"So is it a problem?" he asks coldly and watches his brother deflate a little.

"The problem is that you didn't tell me. Why didn't you tell me, Dean?"

"Maybe because I didn't want to deal with your judgmental reaction." Dean crosses his arms over his chest, giving Sam a hard look.

"I'm not-" Sam trails off with a sigh and drops himself on the bed. "I'm not judging you because he's a guy. Really, I don't have the slightest problem with that, but-"

"But you have a problem with who he is. Because of what he did to keep himself alive when he was kicked out of his home at the age of eighteen? I expected you of all people to understand it!"

"That's the problem, Dean! You see yourself in him, but you weren't like him. It's exactly because I was in a similar situation that I know he had other choices! He didn't have to do what he did, there were other ways."

"Were there? How would you know? You never had to worry about it because you had me. I was the one who did everything to keep your belly full and your clothes clean.” He knows it's a bit below the belt, but he needs to make Sam see his point of view even though it might hurt him.

 “Tell me how is stealing better than selling oneself? You have no idea, Sam, no idea how close I had gotten to where he was when I found him. Do you really think I never considered it? You know the places where we hustled pool? You know what I looked like when I was young. Do you really think none of the truckers ever offered me money for a blowjob?"

Sam stares at him obviously taken aback. "But you didn't accept," he breaths out.

"No, I didn't. Because I was able to earn money hustling and I'd rather steal than let someone touch me and because from time to time dad showed up and gave us some money. But if any of that stopped working, I would do the same as Cas."

Dean is breathing heavily, his heart hammering in his chest. His brother's eyes are glued at him and there's awe mixed with pity in them.

After a minute of silence, Sam shakes himself out of it and combs his ridiculous hair with his fingers.

"You're right. He was young and he was in a fucked up situation, I shouldn't judge him for his decisions. But, Dean, he's still very young."

"Are you trying to tell me that I'm too old for him?"

Sam shakes his head. "No. I'm trying to tell you that he still might make bad choices."

Dean's frown deepens; he feels a sick weight in the pit of his stomach. "And I might be one of them."

"No," Sam sighs, "you're too good for him, Dean. He's using you as a security blanket. You're not really doing him a favor, by taking care of him, because that way he won't learn how to take care of himself. He'll never try to make anything out of his life because he's dependent on you."

Dean snorts and shakes his head. "You know nothing, Sam. How can you say that when you don't know a damn thing about his life? Since he moved in with me, he's found a job, he takes dance classes so he can apply for school, he has his own friends and hobbies that we don't share."

Sam purses his lips defiantly, then he throws his hands into the air.

"Fine. I still don't think the relationship is good for you and I'm afraid he's gonna hurt you."

Dean lets out a breath and leans against a wall. "Maybe you're right. Maybe the relationship will prove not to be good for either of us. I'm quite sure one day Cas will leave me to lead his own better life, because why would he stay with a boring old man?"

Sam opens his mouth to say something, but Dean doesn't let him. "But right now, we like it. If I give him a sense of security that helps him make something of himself, fine, I couldn't be happier. And he actually makes me happy, Sam. He makes me want to try new things; he makes me feel like... like there's still something for me in the future."

He feels his own expression melt as he talks about Cas. "There's a big chance this won't work. For god's sake we haven't even... we're just at the start, okay? But why not give it a shot if it feels good right now?"

"Wow," Sam breathes out. His whole posture has changed, relaxed. "You must really like him."

Dean feels a wide smile spread over his face. "I do. I'm scared out of my mind of it, but I do like him."

His heart swells when he sees a mirroring smile on his brother's face. "Okay, then. I guess you don't need my blessing. Just try not to get hurt, okay?"

"Yeah, I'm really good at that." They both chuckle and Sam gets up to pull his brother into a hug.

"I'm calling you a cradle robber from now on."

Dean rolls his eyes and punches Sam's shoulder.

"Bitch."

"Jerk."

* * *

 

Castiel didn't mean to eavesdrop, he just went to use the upstairs bathroom when he heard the shouting. When he realized they were arguing about him, he stopped frozen behind the door to Dean's bedroom, unable to move, unable to stop listening.

He ran down the stairs the moment it seemed the conversation was over so Sam wouldn’t run into him.

Now he's lying on the couch, his heart racing in his chest. He can't believe that what he heard was real. Dean opposed his brother; he fought for him, for their relationship. It's the last thing Cas expected, especially after Dean told him he wanted to keep them secret in front of Sam.

He's staring at the ceiling replaying Dean's words in his head. All the good things he said about him, but especially the part where he confessed to really liking him. It makes a wave of warmth spread through Cas' body.

He's a bit hurt by Sam's accusation, but it's okay, he can talk with him tomorrow. The only thing that matters is that Dean didn't agree with any of it. He said he thinks Cas will leave him, but that's just another thing they can work on. Cas will take a pleasure in making him believe that he has no intention of leaving.

He falls asleep with a fluttering feeling in his stomach and a smile on his lips.

 

Breakfast is a bit awkward. Cas knows that Sam knows, but Sam and Dean don't know that he knows that Sam knows. And all Cas can think of is how much he wants to kiss Dean. To thank him for standing up for him.

It's Dean who can't hold on anymore. He lets his fork fall to his plate with a loud clank, startling the two of them.

"Sam knows about... the thing we have going on between us."

Cas looks up at him with his mouth agape, he looks at Sam, then bows his head and swallows. "I know, I heard you yesterday."

The silence is even heavier than before and when he finds courage to look up, he sees Dean frowning and Sam's alarmed expression.

"I didn't eavesdrop!" he adds hurriedly.

"That's alright, Cas. I just wish you didn't have to hear the things that were said." Dean gives his brother a hard look and gets up to clear the dishes from the table.

Sam takes a deep breath and turns at Cas. "I'm sorry, Cas. Dean explained to me that I was wrong in many things."

Cas nods. "It's okay," he breathes and he means it. He wouldn't be happy if his brother (if he was close to any of his brothers) had a relationship with a thirteen years younger, former prostitute.

Sam gives him a guilty smile and starts to get up, but Cas grabs his arm.

"I just want you to know that I didn't want any of this. I didn't want Dean to save me. I didn't want to-" he swallows the words that come to his tongue, it's too early for them. "To get attached to him. We didn't plan any of it. It just happened and we decided to go with it. We're making it up as we go."

Sam's smile is fond and it gives Cas a hope that he might eventually gain his trust.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Jason Mraz


	15. Keep following the heartlines on your hand

They spend the rest of the morning trying to find Gabriel on the internet. The problem is that Cas doesn’t know much about him and there’s a strong possibility he's changed his surname. They are often interrupted by the ringing of Sam’s phone. The calls are mostly work-related, except for one from a female called Jess who’s also Sam’s co-worker, but the call seems pretty personal judging by the color of Sam’s face when he hurries out of the room to get some privacy. Dean doesn’t miss any opportunity to tease him about it.

The Winchesters plan to go to the Roadhouse, as Sam wants to see his surrogate family - Bobby, Ellen and Jo. Cas is content with staying at home, but Dean doesn’t want to hear it.

"Come on, Cas. You need to face your fears."

"You don’t face your fears. You never fly to visit Sam."

Dean pouts and points a finger at Cas’ chest.

"First: there’s no risk that you’ll die if you go to the Roadhouse with us. Second: sometimes I fly."

Cas grimaces. "You’re so lying."

"Sam? Stop texting your girlfriend and tell Cas that sometimes I travel by plane."

Sam reluctantly raises his eyes from the screen of his phone. "Yes. It usually requires someone to hold his hand or getting him drunk, but at least once a year I convince him to fly to Cali."

Cas giggles and raises his hands in surrender.

"Fine, you’re braver than I thought. I still don’t want to go."

"Cas!" Dean moans. "I promise nothing bad will happen. I’ll be there and Sam and Jo and Bobby and Ellen. We won’t let you go alone to a dark alley. I promise."

Cas’ throat constricts when he hears the words. Dean is right, the fear is irrational and he should face it, but he doesn’t feel strong enough.

When he doesn’t reply, eyes fixed on the hem of his shirt that he’s fidgeting with, Dean sighs. He looks at Sam to make sure he’s too preoccupied with his phone so he won’t pay them attention. Then he leans closer and presses a soft kiss to Cas’ lips.

"Please," he breathes into Cas’ mouth.

"You’re such an asshole," Cas whispers.

"Yes, but I’m irresistible."

Cas huffs out a laugh and grabs the back of Dean’s head. His kiss is much harder.

"Is it a yes?" Dean beams at him.

"Yes, but you’re the one who’ll have to deal with my mental breakdown."

"You’re not gonna have a breakdown. Everything will be alright."

"I’d love to believe you, but-"

"Shhh." Dean kisses him again and it would be longer than the previous two kisses if Sam hadn't cleared his throat, making Dean jump away.

 

Dean was right. Everything is fine. Cas’ heart starts to thump furiously against his breast bone when he sees the entrance to the bar, but Dean is right there, squeezing his hand and giving him a reassuring smile.

It’s bright and loud inside. Jo squeals when she sees Sam and runs across the room to throw herself on him. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and legs around his waist. He carries her to the counter as if she weighs nothing.

Ellen and Bobby greet Sam like real parents (or how Cas imagines real parents would react to seeing a son they haven’t seen in a while). Ellen disappears into the kitchen to make them burgers and the three men move to the booth reserved for them, while Jo serves a few customers, because Ash, the guy who was supposed to work her shift hasn’t come in yet.

Bobby and Sam talk mostly about jobs and what Sam is missing by living in California. The old man seems much less scary than when Cas met him at the autoshop.

When the women bring food and join them, the conversation turns to more personal topics. Dean happily provides the information that Sam is head over heels into a mysterious Jess, which makes Sam blush and stutter, but he stubbornly refuses to tell them anything about her or their relationship. He even gives Dean a threatening look that promises if he doesn’t shut up, Sam will start talking about Dean’s love life. The change of topic after that is sudden and absolute.

After dinner they play pool. Bobby, Ellen and Sam against Jo, Cas and Dean. It’s a cruel match.

Cas knows he’s the weak part of their team but Dean and Jo assure him that they’d kick the other team’s ass blindfolded.

Cas truly feels like a part of the family and the group hug he receives when their team wins is a cherry on top.

The night gets even better when they manage to get Sam drunk and he’s finally willing to tell them about Jess. He’s actually a little too willing. He sings odes to her eyes and smile and hair like sunrays. Cas has to stop Dean from convincing Sam that it’s the best time to call her and confess his enormous crush on her.

The bar is almost empty when Jo helps them get Sam into the Impala.

When they arrive home, Sam pulls them both into a hug and tells them how much he loves Dean and how happy he is that he found himself someone so good as Cas and how he wishes them the best. It would be a little bit more endearing if his words weren’t so slurred.

They escort him to his room and this time Cas doesn’t manage to stop Dean from taking some incriminating photos of his brother.

They don’t even try to make him change his clothes, he’s asleep the moment he flops himself on the bed. Dean just takes off his shoes.

 

When they leave Sam in the guestroom and Cas heads to the staircase, Dean stops him with barely audible: "Cas?"

Castiel looks at him questioningly. Dean leans against a wall, trying to look nonchalant, but he’s chewing his lower lip.

"I thought that since Sam already knows... it’s stupid for you to sleep on the couch when you could share a bed with me."

Cas’ jaw drops. "You want me to-"

"Only if you want!" Dean adds.

Cas thinks about it. He wants it, of course he does, but he’s not sure they’re ready. But if Dean suggested it himself...

"It’s just sharing a bed. It doesn’t have to mean anything," Dean assures him.

"Okay. I hate the couch; I still have kinks in my neck from last night."

Dean tries to suppress his grin, but it’s to no avail.

 

Cas feels ridiculous when he’s slipping under the covers and realizes he’s nervous. He repeats Dean’s words that it’s just sharing a bed over and over again. He doesn’t even know whether he’s scared something else might happen or whether he wants something to happen.

Dean waits for him to lie down, then he turns the lamp off.

"Good night, Cas," he says in a low voice that makes Cas shiver.

"Good night." Cas curls on his side, back to Dean, and squeezes his eyes shut. He’s listening to Dean’s calm breath, but instead of lulling him to sleep, it makes him hyper aware of the other man’s presence. He knows Dean’s firm warm body is within arm's reach and one part of his mind is yelling at him that he should take advantage of it, while the other tells him he shouldn’t dare.

He rolls to his other side and sees that Dean’s lying on his back with his arms folded under his head. Cas doubts he’s asleep even though his eyes are shut and his chest is raising and falling regularly.

Cas lets out a heavy sigh, trying to get rid of the tension gathering under his ribs. He feels guilty that he made such a loud sound when Dean turns to face him. His eyes roam over Cas’ face, then he closes them and lets out a sigh of his own.

"Screw it," he murmurs with his eyes still closed.

"Come here," he says softly and reaches his hand to place it on Cas’ hip, but he doesn’t pull him into his arms until Cas, who feels like the air was knocked out of his lungs, shifts closer.

He rearranges the covers around them so Cas can comfortably press himself against him, then he tentatively wraps both his arms around his smaller frame.

Cas finally breathes out, surprised how perfectly their bodies fit against each other. He feels as if he slipped into a dream already, he’s so warm, comfortable and safe in the cage of Dean’s strong arms.

Dean fills all his senses. Cas feels his warm body, hears the strong and steady beat of his heart and the smell of his body wash makes him a bit dizzy.

He wants to stay like this forever. The thought that he might ever lose this feeling is frightening.

"You’re shaking. Are you uncomfortable?" Dean whispers, his breath ruffling Cas’ hair.

"No, I’m... I’m just a bit overwhelmed."

"We don’t have to-" Dean starts to pull away, but Cas stops him by grabbing the front of his shirt.

"No," it’s almost a moan which is embarrassing only until Dean chuckles softly and pulls Cas even closer.

* * *

 

Dean understands what Cas means by being overwhelmed. He was never very fond of cuddling, but cuddling also never felt like this.

He’s scared by the things Cas makes him feel. He was always possessive and protective, but not like this. He wants to hold Cas and shield him from every danger of the outer world. He wonders if Cas can feel his frantic heart where his hand is clutching his shirt. The way Cas clings to him makes the need to protect him even stronger.

Dean gently runs a hand through Cas’ thick hair and the content sound the boy makes sends electric sparks down his spine. It’s not arousal though, it has nothing to do with carnal desires, it goes much deeper.

When he has Cas in his arms like this, he knows he’s holding something precious, something special. Cas keeps saying that Dean has saved him, but in moments like this Dean knows deep down that it’s the other way round.

He keeps petting Cas’ hair even when his breathing turns into soft snoring. He’s curled against Dean’s chest like a kitten, still clutching his shirt, his hair is tickling Dean’s collarbone.

Dean drifts off slowly, reluctant to let go of the moment.

* * *

 

Castiel is surprised when he wakes up and finds out it wasn’t just a dream. They’re not tangled together anymore, but they haven’t lost the contact entirely during the night. Dean is splayed on his back in the middle of the bed and Cas is halfway on top of him. The wet stain on Dean’s shirt is obviously his work. He should have warned Dean that he drools.

Dean makes a disgruntled noise and shifts. He opens his eyes with a start when he realizes someone is lying on top of him. For a moment Cas’ heart stops in apprehension that Dean will freak out.

Instead Dean’s confused and grumpy expression melts into a smile.

 "Hey." He runs his hand down Cas’ back and the younger man feels himself blushing for no apparent reason. He still isn’t used to Dean’s affection and at the same he can’t have enough of it.

"Hello," he murmurs and presses a soft kiss to Dean’s jaw, the stubble prickling his lips.

Dean stretches his hands above his head letting Cas admire how his muscles shift under his skin.

He whispers an apology when Dean frowns at the wet spot. Dean laughs softly and sits up.

"Let’s make a breakfast before the moose and his hangover wake up." 

 

"You’re disgusting," is the first thing Sam says as he drags himself into the kitchen at half past ten.

"Excuse me!" Dean turns at him with a spatula raised like a scepter, he’s wearing a "kiss the cook" apron and his face is adorned by a set of whiskers painted with pancake batter.

Cas is standing behind him, trying to fight a giggling fit but only a minute ago he was dutifully fulfilling the apron’s orders.

"We’re making you the breakfast of champions, so stop complaining."

"That’s nice, guys, but I’m not sure I can eat." He sits on a stool at the breakfast isle and drops his head on the desk with a groan.

"That’s bullshit, brother. You need to eat. Bacon is the best cure for everything, including hangover," Dean announces as he scoops eggs and bacon onto plates.

Sam lifts up his head and gives the two of them a scrutinizing look.

"Did you have sex?" he asks blatantly, making his brother almost drop the skillet while Cas chokes on air.

"What?" Dean squeals.

"You both look like you got laid and I’m pretty sure Cas didn’t sleep on the couch last night."

They exchange alarmed looks with a matching blush on their faces.

"It’s none of your business, but we haven’t," Dean says sternly and places a plate in front of his brother who opens his mouth, but Dean’s look stops him.

Sam apparently knows it isn’t a good idea to tease his brother when he’s hung over and Dean could easily torture him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Heartlines by Florence & The Machine


	16. Ready For Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the right time to remind you of the explicit sexual content in this fic :)  
> I'd also like to warn you that they still have a long journey in front of them, my guess is the whole fic will have 25 chapters but we'll see (I'm working on chapter 19 at the moment). It all started as a bunch of little ideas that woven together became this story. I'm still surprised it works quite well and so many of you love this fic. I hope you'll stay until the end and won't be disappointed :)

Cas has to work, so he can’t go to the airport with the Winchesters. Sam’s goodbye is warm and includes a hug and a promise to do whatever he can about finding his brother. It makes Cas believe that Sam actually meant the things he said when he was drunk.

It’s a hard day at the gas station. Full of lifting heavy boxes, cleaning dirty bathrooms and mean customers.

When he comes home, he tells Dean that he’s eaten at work (which is true and Dean makes him swear on his life), takes a shower and falls into his bed.

Only when he wakes up alone does he think about sharing a bed with Dean. What is the right etiquette now without the excuse of his own bed being occupied? Would it be too much to ask if he can sleep in Dean’s bed again or should he wait for Dean to suggest it himself? What if Dean thinks that he isn’t interested, because he chose to sleep in his own bed last night? And is it even an option to share a bed regularly or will they only do it on special occasions? He knows he shouldn't think so much, but it´s all so new and complicated for him.

He has a morning shift which thankfully keeps his mind occupied. He doesn’t think about it when they go for a run in the evening, nor when they eat dinner and watch TV.

He’s standing in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, when he looks into the mirror and sees Dean leaning against the door frame in his pajama pants and nothing else. Cas pretends he hasn’t noticed him or the fact that he’s staring at his ass. He finishes brushing his teeth, rinses his mouth, washes his face and only then he slowly turns to face Dean who looks up at him with a smile.

Dean takes two long step forwards and before Cas can collect himself, he’s pulled into a kiss, bracing his palms on Dean’s naked chest. Dean hums at the fresh taste of toothpaste on Cas’ tongue and Cas thinks that everything with Dean is moving much faster than he expected. Maybe it was the conversation with Sam that made the levee break so Dean doesn’t feel the need to hold back.

It still surprises him when Dean pulls away just far enough so he can talk, his hot breath grazing over Cas’ spit-slick lips. "Sleep with me tonight, please."

Cas blinks at him once, twice, then Dean jumps away, his eyes wide and cheeks burning.

"I didn’t... I meant...not like... I meant sharing a bed," he stutters. When Cas still doesn’t react besides staring at him, he takes a steadying breath and rubs the back of his neck. "I didn’t sleep well last night, but I slept well when you were there and I thought you liked it and I-"

"Yes," Cas breathes out, cutting off Dean’s rambling.

Dean shuts his mouth with an audible click and looks at Cas with wide eyes. He looks much younger like that.

"You sure?" he asks self-consciously.

"Yes," Cas confirms, trying to sound more determined.

Dean still looks a bit lost, so Cas takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom.

Once they’re in bed, he wraps himself around Dean, who wraps him in his arms and entangles their legs. Cas feels like the warmth radiating from Dean’s naked skin might burn him, but he runs his hands over the muscles of Dean’s back anyway. The other man purrs into the crook of Cas’ neck and presses soft kisses there.

Cas eventually turns to his other side giving Dean a chance to be the big spoon and that’s how they fall asleep.

 

It’s still dark outside when Cas wakes up. They’re not in a tight embrace anymore; Cas rolled to the edge of the bed, but can still feel Dean’s heavy hand on his hip. He thinks he won’t wake Dean up if he takes the hand in his and intertwines their fingers. He realizes he’s been wrong when Dean moves their joined hands to Cas’ chest and pulls himself closer. Cas murmurs his appreciation and presses himself against Dean’s chest. Dean presses a soft kiss to the back of his neck which feels like it sets him on fire.

Castiel bows his head, giving Dean more space to kiss and nibble. He doesn’t know where Dean wants this to lead, but he’s sure where his body thinks this is going.

He wiggles his ass experimentally and hears Dean’s breath hitch. Cas smiles into a pillow and lets go of Dean’s hand so he can stroke his strong arm which is the only part of him he can reach comfortably. But the moment Dean’s hand is free to move, it starts to skim over Cas’ chest. He stiffens a bit when it finds the hem of his shirt and pushes it away, so it can slide under and touch Cas’ bare skin. He breathes heavily, all his blood rushing south.

Dean’s hand is big, warm and calloused and just perfect.

* * *

 

Dean can’t believe it. He’s making out with a guy. And he loves it. A distant voice in his mind is telling him that if he tried to touch another man like this earlier, he’d like it just as much, but he wants to believe it’s all about Cas.

He likes his soft skin and lean muscles that flex when he runs his hand over them and his protruding hip bones. He rubs Cas’ nipple with the pad of his thumb. The boy arches his back a little and lets out such a sweet little gasp it makes Dean’s cock twitch in excitement.

He’s sure Cas feels his erection pressed against his backside, because the little bastard wiggles his ass again. Dean hisses through his teeth and grabs Cas’ ribs, pulling him even closer. The sleepy cuddling is rapidly turning into a heated make out session and Dean doesn’t care.

When he sucks a mark on the side of Cas neck, Cas mewls and squirms.

"Dean!" he moans, but Dean keeps sucking, making sure that the mark will be nice and dark, tender to the touch. He has no idea where the need to mark his possession of Cas comes from, but he can’t control it.

"Dean, please!" his voice is husky and a little breathy, it makes Dean shiver.

"Touch me, Dean, touch me, please," Cas begs.

When Dean doesn’t respond, Cas grabs his hand and pushes it down his belly and into his crotch.

Dean gasps into Cas’ ear as he feels the hard line of Cas’ cock.

There’s a fleeting thought of what his dad would think of him if he caught him with another man’s member hard and throbbing in his hand, but he stomps on it.

Cas guides his hand to stroke him slowly through the thin fabric of his pants. He’s making strangled noises in attempt not to moan out loud which is a bit ridiculous considering they’re alone in the house.

Dean grinds his hips against the swell of Cas’ ass, searching for friction. He knows he’s going to come into his pants and feels like a teenager.

Cas bats his hand away and turns in his arms. For a moment Dean’s worried that he did something wrong, but then Cas slips one of his legs between Dean’s and slides closer, pressing their crotches together.

"Cas," Dean gasps as he feels their erections slide against each other. It’s like nothing he’s ever felt before. Maybe it’s the tangible proof that Cas wants him that makes his blood rush through his veins and reduces all Dean’s thoughts to _want want want_.

"Cas, it feels-" he can’t find the right words, he’s shocked and overwhelmed.

"Good?" Cas suggest, rolling his hips, which elicits a guttural moan out of Dean’s throat.

"Does it feel good?" Cas whispers. He looks beautiful with pupils dilated with lust and lips swollen where he’s been biting them to stifle his moans. Instead of an answer Dean leans in for a kiss. It’s not like the other kisses they shared. It’s heated and demanding, Dean is claiming Cas’ mouth with his tongue and lips and teeth. He rolls them over so he can grind their hips together. Cas wraps his legs around his waist to give him more space. And it’s too much. As soon as Dean finds a rhythm of his thrusts, his muscles start to tremble and he knows he’s close. He moans into Cas’ mouth. He wants to tell him he’s close, wants to warn him, but before he can do that, he feels the lean body under him arch. Cas squeezes his eyes shut and his fingers dig into the flesh of Dean’s back. He cries out and comes, his body shakes in small spasms as the waves of pleasure wash over him.

The sight of him and the feeling of his cock twitching against Dean’s flesh makes the other man topple over the edge. Dean buries his face into the crook of Cas’ neck to muffle his grunts as he gives a few last thrust of his hips. As his body goes lax, he makes sure he doesn’t collapse on Cas with all his weight.

"What have you done to me?" he breaths out when their breathing evens. He’s lying across the bed with his head on Castiel’s belly. Cas is idly stroking his hair.  He doesn’t give an answer, Dean doesn’t even expect one. But he knows it must be some kind of spell or some game destiny is playing with him, that he met a boy in a rain and offered him help and the boy turned his easy, comfortable and utterly boring life upside down.

* * *

 

Cas is sitting on a bar stool in the Roadhouse, fiddling with a bottle of coke in his hands, while Jo sketches his face. It’s early afternoon so the bar is nearly empty. Cas came here when his morning shift ended. He’s not scared of the place anymore and during the day he’s even brave enough to come here alone.

"Cas, for god’s sake, can’t you relax a bit? You look... constipated." Jo complains.

"And stop biting your lip, have you any idea how hard it is to draw?"

"I slept with Dean," Cas bursts out as the pressure in his chest that made him jittery all day becomes unbearable.

He hears a clatter and when he looks at Jo, he realizes that she’s dropped her charcoal.

"Excuse me, but I just heard that you slept with Dean."

Cas nods and bites hard on his lower lip.

"No, that’s not... wow!" Jo breathes out and grabs a bottle of bourbon to pour herself a drink.

"You’re not kidding, are you?" she asks after she tosses it back. When she sees Cas’ miserable expression, she walks around the counter to sit next to him and takes his hands into hers.

"Tell me everything."

Cas takes a shaky breath, he keeps his eyes fixed on their joined hands now resting on Jo’s knees for the whole time he speaks.

"After the date with Zeke, we got drunk and he kissed me. We didn’t talk with each other for like a week after that but it was just a miscommunication. I convinced him we should give it a shot. Then Sam came and said he didn’t agree with it and Dean told him he was happy with me and we started to share a bed and the other night we ended up dry humping. And I think I might be in love with Dean Winchester."

He’s short of breath when he stops, but he needed to get all of it out before he got a chance to chicken out.

Jo squeezes his hands and when he lifts his eyes to look at her, she’s beaming.

"Cas, it’s awesome. I mean... I can’t believe it’s really the Dean Winchester I know we’re talking about but... but I’m so happy for you."

Cas shakes his head vehemently. "But I’m not happy, Joanna! I’m scared and I have no idea what to do!"

"Calm down, Cas. You’ll figure it out. I know Dean can be a bit... hard to handle, but I believe if anyone can deal with his bullshit, it’s you."

"No, but I... I don’t know how to do a relationship! I’ve never had a relationship, Jo! I don’t know where it's supposed to go after sex. I always only collected my money and got lost!"

"Shh, don’t shout." Jo looks around to make sure no one is paying them attention.

"First of all, stop freaking out."

"That’s such a valuable advice," Cas grumbles and Jo gives him a clip around the ear.

"Second" she raises her voice. "Talk to him. He’s not the best in relationships either, but he has more experience than you and it’ll help if he knows how you feel."

Cas nods. The haven’t talked much since that night. They keep up their daily routine - eat breakfast together, run in the evening when Cas isn’t at work and they watch TV. They don’t share a bed anymore. Cas must admit he’s been avoiding Dean just a little.

Jo is right, he should talk to him.

"Thank you, Jo." He gives her a somewhat bashful smile. She laughs and pats his shoulder.

"Oh my god, I still can’t believe it. What kind of gay mojo did you use to turn the straightest guy in the town?"

She shakes her head when she sees his disapproving frown. "Sorry, I know that’s not how things work but I’m just so surprised."

Something flickers in her eyes and Cas realizes that she must have once had a crush on Dean.

"But when I really think about it, there was always something about him... he’s so butch you might think he’s overcompensating."

Cas doesn’t feel like he has a right to talk with her about Dean’s internalized homophobia and what it caused. On the other hand this is a rare opportunity to ask what he's been wondering about for a long time.

"Did you know John Winchester?"

She shakes her head, her blond ponytail swings from side to side. "Not really. He was a friend of my dad, but I was too young to remember him. From what I heard, John Winchester was a jackass. If you think he tried to beat the gay out of Dean, I can’t say it’s not possible."

Cas looks at her with shock. "No, I don’t think he did that, but-"

"But he raised Dean to be a manly man. Yeah, I think no one can argue with that. I also think John is the reason why Dean was never really happy."

 

Cas thinks about John’s parenting and Dean’s childhood on his way home and even though it makes him sad, it keeps him from thinking about the conversation he needs to have with Dean. Only when he stops at the front door does his stomach tieitself into knots and his throat constricts.

* * *

 

Dean is in the living room, pacing back and forth. He came home determined to talk with Castiel, but the boy hasn’t come yet and every minute makes Dean more and more nervous.

He’s quite sure Cas got scared after their... impromptu make out session, but he wants to hear it from him. He wants to know what he did wrong and what it means for them and... Oh god, he’s being such a girl, but he doesn’t want this to end like the last time they avoided communication.

His heart lurches in his chest when he hears Cas coming through the front door.

Cas’ eyes widen when he sees him.

"What’s wrong?" he looks around, trying to find signs of some catastrophe.

Taking a deep breath, Dean comes closer.

"You’re avoiding me," he starts before he can think too much.

"I’m sorry if... what we did was wrong or too fast. But please, talk to me."

Cas swallows and wets his lips with his tongue, Dean’s eyes trail the movement without his say so.

"I... I’m sorry," Cas breaths. Dean frowns in confusion.

"There was nothing wrong about what we did. I just... I got scared."

Dean suddenly feels too light, like a huge weight is being lifted from his chest.

Cas is looking at his toes as he continues.

"I realized that I have no idea what to do. I never... I was never so emotionally involved before."

With a scowl, Dean takes the last step to enter Cas’ personal space and lifts Cas’ chin.

"You mean you like me too much?"

Cas’ lips twitch and he nods minutely.

"So you don’t want to stop?"

"No! No, I just don’t know what to do."

Dean nods, his brow wrinkles with thoughts. He lets go of Cas and takes a step back.

"What about a date? That’s what couples do and you know, we kinda skipped that part since we live together."

"We went to movies and had dinner in the Roadhouse."

Dean rolls his eyes. "Roadhouse is like our second living room, that doesn’t count. I’m not talking about flowers and candlelight, but I’ll wear my nice tight jeans for you."

Cas’ face brightens. "That sounds good."

Dean nods and clasps his hands. "Okay, what else?"

"What about the bed sharing?" Cas asks, as insecure as he was a few moments ago.

"You can come to my bedroom whenever you want. I won’t be upset when you don’t and you coming doesn’t mean sex. Sounds good?"

Cas nods, relief clear in his face.

"Talking about sex," Dean rubs the back of his neck as his confidence leaves him.

"That’s where you should take the lead, because I have no idea what to do. I really liked what we did but... hell, I feel like a virgin again, but this time I’m too old for this crap."

"Oh," Cas pipes and Dean immediately feels like an idiot.

"Okay. I thought... I thought it wouldn’t be too different for you-"

"Are you kidding me, Cas? Is totally different! Can you imagine having sex with a girl?"

"No."

"See? It’s the same. I can’t imagine having sex with a guy. You have different parts and you feel different and... and I like it when we do something intimate but it’s... it’s still unknown and kinda scary."

Awesome, now he’s even blushing like a virgin. He feels Cas’ stare on him, but when he looks up, there’s only sympathetic interest in his eyes.

"We should watch porn," he says eventually and Dean chokes on air.

"What? You serious?"

"Yes. Straight people have a lot of stupid stereotypes about gay sex and I know porn isn’t always realistic, but it can help you. You might figure out what you want to try."

Dean swallows and tries to will his heart to slow down. He’s going to watch gay porn with Cas to figure out what they want to do together. If somebody told him about this a year ago, he would laugh in their face.

"Okay, okay. Date and porn. Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Bad Company


	17. Fight the Good Fight Every Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took longer than I expected to update. Thank you for bearing with me. You don't have to worry about this fic getting abandoned, I'm going to finish it, I just get distracted a lot by other projects and real life. Follow me on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/) to see what I'm up to ;)

This is insane. Seriously, Dean’s brain must have turned into mashed potatoes, there’s no other explanation for this. He’s freaking out because he doesn’t know what to wear for a date with a guy who’s been living in his house for half a year now. He even goes so far as calling his brother.

"I don’t know how to be gay," he blurts out the moment Sam picks up.

"Ask your boyfriend."

"He’s not my... I can’t ask him!"

"Seriously, Dean, if you don’t know how gay sex works you should just-"

"No!" Dean moans cutting him off.

"I don’t know what to wear on a date." He moans again when the line rattles with Sam’s laughter.

"The boy is really a good influence. Never before has it occurred to you that you should wear anything else but worn out jeans and plaid."

"Shut up and help me! What are you good for if I don’t have your support?"

"You have my full support, Dean. But you have to admit that this is kinda hilarious."

"Maybe for you. I’m losing my mind."

"Just wear clean jeans, a black button up and make sure your nails are clean."

Dean lets out a breath. "Okay."

"It’s gonna be okay, Dean. I can tell the boy really likes you. You don’t have to worry. If you could scare him off, he’d have run away much earlier."

Dean huffs out a laugh. "You’re right. This is insane, Sammy, I don’t remember ever feeling like this before."

He can hear Sam’s smile at the other end of the line.

"I’m happy for you, Dean. Now man up, put your clothes on and go get him, tiger."

* * *

 

Cas’ jaw drops when he sees Dean descending the stairs. There’s nothing about him that reminds him of the gruff man in plaid smelling of motor oil. He’s clean shaven, he’s wearing the jeans Cas chose for him and a black button up that clings to him in all the right places, he even put some product into his hair.

"You look good," Dean says when he approaches him.

"Not as good as you," Cas blurts out. Dean smiles which might be the most charming thing Cas has ever seen. When he leans to kiss him softly on the lips, Cas feels like swooning.

Dean takes him to a restaurant that is nice but not too fancy and far enough from their part of town. Cas understands that it still might be a problem for Dean to be seen with another man and he really appreciates when Dean holds his hand while they wait for their order. There’s even a candle on their table but no one mentions it.

It’s amazing that even though they live together, they haven’t run out of things to talk about yet. Dean is even a bit flirty and Cas can’t stop blushing.

After dinner they go to movies and even though the movie isn’t the best, it gives them a lot to talk about on the way back to the car. They agree that they don’t feel like going home just yet and that stopping at the Roadhouse can’t make the date not count or anything.

It’s Saturday night so the bar is a little busy. Ellen waves but she doesn’t have time to talk to them. They sit on the bar stools and chat with Ash while sipping their beers. Cas doesn’t even realize they’re holding hands until somebody behind them yells: "Look at those fucking faggots!"

Dean tenses up and looks over his shoulder.

There’s not as many people as when they arrived and he immediately notices the group of rednecks around one of the pool tables.

"Hey, Alistair! Let’s kick the filth out of our bar."

The man addressed as Alistair is leaning over the pool table, he straightens his back and turns around.

Cas’ blood freezes in his veins as he recognizes him.

"Well, well, look what a pretty couple of queens we have here," the man chimes and Cas’ hair stands up on end. He squeezes Dean’s hand when he jumps to his feet. Dean looks at him and Cas shakes his head, his eyes full of terror. The assholes are shouting something, but Cas doesn’t care. All that matters is the look of realization that spreads over Dean’s features. His eyes darken, he squares his jaw just when Alistair comes near and looks at Cas.

"I know you, princess," he hisses.

"You bastard!" Dean barks and his fist connects with Alistair’s nose before anyone can react. The man stumbles backwards and his companions swarm around Dean and Cas.

"I’m gonna kill you!" he shouts, his voice hitching with anger. Cas grabs his shoulder.

"No," he tries to say but it comes out as barely audible whimper.

"You want to fight over the dirty slut?" Alistair asks in his syrupy voice. Blood trickles from his nose and paints his lips red.

"You fucking bastard, I've been dreaming about getting my hands on you," Dean growls. The sight of him sends a surge of fear through Cas’ body. He’s different from the Dean he knows, he’s angry, violent, fierce, and dangerous.

"Dean, please, no."

"Do you hear your whore begging? Maybe he liked me more than you. Maybe I should give him what he wants." Alistair grabs his crotch and his comrades laugh.

Dean pounces on him. He doesn’t care that they’re outnumbered. He wants revenge, he wants to beat the shit out of Alistair.

Cas wants to cover his face and pretend he isn’t here, but when he sees one of Alistair’s men punching Dean in the stomach, he knows he has to do something. This is the reason why Dean has been teaching him self-defense. He places himself between Dean and one of the guys. He’s drunk and stupid, so it isn’t so hard to send him to the floor with a broken wrist.

The brawl is a blur. Cas doesn’t know how many punches he took or threw. The only thing that matters is that Dean’s still on his feet.

The gunshot startles them all and makes them stop.

Ellen is standing on the counter top with a shotgun in her hands.

"Get the fuck out of my bar!" She yells. "Or you’ll wish I called the police!"

With grunts and swears the group of assholes leaves the bar. Dean wants to follow them, but Ash stops him. Cas didn’t notice when the bartender got into the fight, but it looks like he’s been trying to stop it for a while. Dean tries to shake him off. His eyes are unfocused, his face bloody, he reminds Cas of a wild animal.

It’s Ellen who manages to make him to stop yelling that he has to go, and pushes him into a chair.

"What the hell do you think you were doing, boy!" she scolds.

"He did...one of them hurt Cas. I should have killed him. I should have killed him," Dean rumbles deliriously. Ellen brings a bowl of hot water and starts to clean Dean’s bloody face. He pushes her away. She opens her mouth to scold him, but Cas places a hand on her shoulder. She looks at him and steps back so he can approach Dean. The man looks up at him, his green eyes shining in his dirty face. With a sharp intake of breath Cas wraps his arms around Dean's neck and sits on his lap. Dean hugs him back and hides his face in the crook of his shoulder. He’s shaking. Cas pets his hair and kisses his temple.

"Look at me, Dean," he whispers and has to repeat it couple of times before Dean finally obeys. His eyes are desperate and guilty.

"I’m glad you didn’t kill him. I’m glad you aren’t like him."

Dean swallows. "But he could... he could hurt somebody else."

Cas shuts his eyes, his heart aches. "I know. But if you killed him, you would be the one that was punished and I can’t let that happen. I can’t lose you."

Dean takes a breath and it almost sounds like a sob. He pulls Cas closer again.

Ellen doesn’t ask unnecessary questions. She closes the bar and tends to their wounds, then she drives them home. She promises not to tell Bobby about it.

Dean and Cas stumble into the bed, barely shrugging off their clothes stained with blood.

"You did well in the fight," Dean whispers when they're laying wrapped around each other under the covers.

"Thanks to your training."

Dean nods and shuts his eyes.

Cas runs his hand through his hair. "Dean, please, I don’t want you to feel guilty that you didn’t hurt the man."

"Well, I’m sure I fractured his ribs and nose and I wouldn’t be surprised if his balls fell off."

Cas chuckles. "I think it’s enough of a revenge."

"It isn’t. But even if I killed him, it wouldn’t be enough. I can’t take back what he did to you. I should have... I should have prevented it."

Cas pulls away so he can look into his eyes. "And how would you do that, Dean? It wasn't your fault that it happened. It was my decision to leave. You can’t blame yourself."

Dean doesn’t answer. He keeps his eyes shut and his hands ball in the back of Cas’ T-shirt.

"You did everything you could for me, Dean. And I can’t even express how grateful I am. If it weren’t for you... it’s possible I’d be dead by now."

"Don’t talk like that."

"But it’s true! You saved me. You don’t want to admit it, but you saved me."

"You saved me too," Dean whispers. "You saved me from myself."

Cas’ heart thuds so hard he’s afraid it’s going to break his breast bone and burst out of his chest.

He kisses Dean’s lips, trying to pour everything he feels into the kiss.

Dean sighs contently, but Cas can see that he’s tired.

"We should get some rest. We’re gonna be pretty sore when the adrenaline wears off."

Dean nods. "It was a hell of a date," he mumbles and Cas laughs.

"It was perfect with a surprising and very dramatic end," he says stroking Dean’s jaw.

The corners of Dean’s lips curl up. "So you liked it?"

"I liked it," Cas breathes out and kisses him again, soft and short.

 

When Cas wakes up and rolls over to look at Dean, the other man is already awake. The moment he sees Cas, he bursts out laughing.

"What are you laughing at?" Cas growls and rubs his eye, it hurts.

"The shiner you’re sporting is really hot, Cas."

"Shut your mouth and look at yourself," he grumbles. Dean has split lip and the right side of his jaw is dark and swollen.

"We should take a picture and send it to Sam," Dean suggests.

Couple of minutes later, he’s listening to Sam yelling at him over the phone. Cas is leaning against his back and chuckling.

They spend the morning in the bed, kissing every bruise and cut they can find.

Around noon, the doorbell rings and they play rock paper scissors to decide who’s going to answer. Cas wins because he knows that Dean always chooses scissors.

It’s Jo who brings them soup from Ellen. They eat in the kitchen, AC/DC playing in the background.

"So, will you guys tell me what happened last night? Mom is refusing to tell me more than you got yourselves into a fight."

They exchange a look and Cas nods. Dean takes a swig of his beer before he starts.

"We went on a date. Then we decided to grab a beer before we came home and there were those assholes, spitting homophobic slurs." His hand balls into a fist and Cas covers it with his palm, trying to soothe the wave of anger that washes over Dean at the memory.

"They came closer and I wanted to show them where their place was, but Cas stopped me and as I turned to him I realized... I saw how frightened he was, staring at one of the guys and I realized it was the guy who... who hurt him."

Jo gasps. "Oh my. Oh my god!" She jumps to her feet. "Are you kidding me? I hope you killed him, Dean!  I hope you kicked his ass six ways to Sunday!"

"There were six of them against the two of us but Cas has proven himself pretty capable in a brawl. I know we look like shit, but seriously, Harvelle, if you saw them..."

She nods, obviously pleased.

"You should have called the police."

"What would that be good for? We have no evidence of what he’s done."

"Wait, you didn’t go to the police when it happened?"

Dean looks at Cas, who bows his head. "I was a hooker, Jo. It was pointless. I didn’t want to deal with police bullying on top of all of that."

She opens her mouth and shuts it again. " I know, but, but... This is so unfair!" she throws her hands into the air. "There should be some way to have him punished."

Cas sees Dean’s distant look and the muscle jumping in his jaw. He can almost hear the _I should have killed him_ playing on repeat in his head.

"Revenge wouldn’t change anything," Cas shakes his head. "I wish I could do something to stop him from hurting somebody else, but I think I can only pray for fate to take care of him."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by Triumph


	18. I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not being able to update for a while, but life happened. I'm updating from my phone so I apologize if the formating is messy, but I didn't want to let you wait any longer. I'll fix it when I return home at the end of the week.  
> Enjoy the chapter and thanks for waiting :)

"I hope it will end better than the date," Dean grumbles when they settle on the couch with Cas’ laptop on the coffee table in front of them.

Cas slaps his knee. "Stop saying that the date was bad. The date was perfect."

"Yeah, but the end sucked."

Cas rolls his eyes. "I can’t imagine how watching porn could end up badly."

Dean shrugs one shoulder, his lips turn into a smirk and Cas knows he’s thinking of the  good ways this could end.

He smiles and opens the link to the video.

It took Cas a week of hard work to find the right porn to show Dean. He wanted something amateur and nothing extreme. He intentionally chose one where the bottom is younger and shorter than the top.

He clicks the play button and sighs, he’s a bit tense but excited.

"What’s a twink?" Dean asks when he reads the title. Cas blushes, not looking at Dean.

"It’s uhm... slang for a gay guy... young and feminine."

He can feel Dean’s stare on him, but the older man doesn’t say anything and soon turns his attention to the video.

There’s a bit of fumbling at the beginning, and when the action finally starts, Cas watches Dean’s reaction more than the video. He watched it several times to make sure it’s the right one, so he almost knows it by heart and even though the porn is really good, Dean is much more interesting.

He’s frowning at first, his shoulders are tense. The video starts with a blowjob and Cas watches Dean’s Adam’s apple bobs repeatedly. Dean’s hand on the armrest tightens so his knuckles turn white, there’s a blush creeping up his neck. Cas is staring at him shamelessly and while normally Dean would squirm and tell him how creepy he is, now his full attention is on the two guys on the screen.

It doesn’t take long before he shifts in his seat and adjusts himself in his pants.

When they change position, Dean relaxes and takes a sip of his beer. The concerned frown reappears on his face when the top starts pushing in. There are whispered words and soft kisses, which may be Cas’ favorite part of the video. The thought of Dean stroking his hair while being buried deep inside of him, like the guy on the video, makes him feel hot all over.

He’s a bit startled when Dean tears his eyes off the screen and looks at him.

Dean’s eyes meet his just for a second, then they dart away, but his body stays turned towards him.

"Isn’t it... is it really... pleasant? It looks painful."

"Yes," Cas smiles softly. "It’s very enjoyable, that’s why people do it. When it’s done right, it hurts just a little, but that’s a part of it." He knows he’s blushing, but he doesn’t feel embarrassed. He’s smiling at the screen when Dean’s eyes roam over his face. "You know what a prostate is right? "

"That’s what makes old guys pee too often."

Cas huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. "Well, yeah, but it’s also… kind of a male G-spot. Even straight guys enjoy it when their prostate is stimulated.“ He smiles and bites his lower lip before he continues in a low voice.

"When somebody hits it with their fingers or cock, it makes you see stars.“ He knows how stupid that might sound, but he really enjoys the mix of anxiety and curiosity that flies over Dean’s face before he turns his attention back to the screen.

When the bottom makes a mewling sound, Dean bites his lower lip. Cas feels his own cock twitching in his pants, not at what is happening on the screen, but at Dean’s reactions. He’s licking his lips and rubbing his hand over them, he’s stroking his thigh. When he presses the heel of his palm to his crotch, Cas inhales sharply and reaches to shut the lid of the laptop. Dean looks at him alarmed and confused.

"What-" he trails off as Cas climbs into his lap and presses their mouths together in a hungry kiss.

Dean’s hands hesitate before they rest on Cas’ hips. Cas makes a needy sound and rolls his hips, making Dean gasp as he feels Cas’ erection pressed against his own.

Cas is frantic, his lips don’t leave Dean’s when he hurriedly opens the fly of his pants.

"Cas, wait, wait," Dean whispers against his lips and grabs his wrist to stop him. Cas lets out a needy moan and shifts in Dean’s lap. That’s when Dean’s eyes slide down Castiel’s body to his unzipped jeans and he sees the bright pink fabric.

"Are you kidding me," he mumbles and shoves his hands under the waistband of Cas’ pants. His former restrain is shattered when he feels the softness of Cas’ satiny panties. He pushes the jeans down so he can grab and squeeze Cas’ ass hugged by the delicate underwear. He groans and throws his head back.

"You planned this, didn’t you?" He doesn’t have a chance to see Cas’ impish smile, because the boy takes advantage of his bared throat and leans in to suck a mark into the sensitive skin.

"Shit," Dean sighs and tugs at Cas’ pants.

"Take these off, come on, I wanna see them, I wanna see your panties, Cas, hurry up." Now it’s Dean who’s impatient and Castiel, being a cruel little bastard, must have decided to make him suffer.

He slips slowly off his lap, dragging his palms down Dean’s chest. Then he pulls his pants down his hips and thighs with agonizingly slow motions, enjoying the way Dean is staring at him, pupils dilated, breathing harsh. When the goddamn pants finally drop to the floor and Cas steps out of them, Dean doesn’t waste time and lifts his hips off the couch so he can take his own pants off. And because two can play this game, he takes his underwear off too, revealing his cock, hard and flushed arching against his belly. Cas gulps and clenches his fist in an attempt to control himself, but then Dean starts to stroke himself slowly. The moment his fingers wrap around his cock and his hands slides down his shaft, Cas finally breaks and suddenly Dean has his lap full of a desperate, hot guy in satiny panties.

He realizes that a few weeks ago, he’d been dreaming about this and now the dream is coming true. He knows how Cas’ firm ass feels through the satin. He knows how Cas’ cock looks barely contained by the tiny piece of fabric. He wants to touch it, to stroke Cas through his lovely panties, to make him ruin them with jizz. But he’s still new to this, _they_ are still new to this, so he hesitates.

On the other side Cas won’t have any of this tentativeness, he rolls his hips and presses their crotches together. Dean would swear that he sees stars when his cock gets into contact with the satin and the hotness of Cas underneath. 

He grabs Cas’ hips and doesn’t even realize that he’s whispering "Cas, Cas," like a mantra. Castiel kisses and nuzzles at his neck, his hips gyrating in a steady rhythm.

"Fuck, Dean, has anyone ever told you you have a nice cock," he purrs into Dean’s ear and his voice is velvet and gravel at the same time. Dean can’t muster a coherent reply, so he fists his hand in Cas’ hair and kisses him with everything he has.

The boy keens against his lips like he can’t get enough and Dean can’t but agree. It’s all too much and not enough at the same time. Cas’ teeth graze Dean’s ear. "I want to feel your cock inside me."

Dean’s blood must be boiling in his veins, his cock twitches in anticipation. He wants it too, oh god, he’s never wanted anything so much.

"I want you to fill me. I wanna feel myself stretched around you." Cas’ voice is sweet and full of passion, but there’s something that makes a claw of anxiety clench at Dean’s insides. He can imagine Cas telling the same things to other men. He’s a professional after all, he knows how to make men want him, so he gets paid.

The boy must feel that something is wrong, because his moves come to a halt and he looks at Dean, who’s staring at him, trying to see right through him, to see what’s true and what is just his own paranoia.

"What’s wrong?" Cas pipes and suddenly he's just an unsure, young boy. "I shouldn’t have said that." He drops his eyes and bites his lower lip.

Dean sighs and runs his hand through Castiel’s messy hair. They’re both hard, but the heat has dissipated.

Dean’s heart hurts when he sees Castiel looking guilty and ashamed. He kisses him softly on the lips.

"I want you too," he says, surprised by how husky his own voice sounds. "But I... I don’t want to rush this."

The boy looks at him, his eyes dark and shiny. Dean holds his stare, knowing that Cas is looking for something in his face. He knows that Cas is afraid of finding something that would hurt him, so he tries to open his heart and hopes that Cas will somehow see it in his eyes.

Eventually Cas lets out a sigh that’s equal parts relieved and disappointed and nods, he lets Dean pull him close against his chest. He just holds him for a few minutes, listening to his deep breath. Then Cas stirs in his arms and presses a wet kiss to the pulse point on his neck.

"But I wanna finish this, can we?" he asks in a small voice and Dean can’t fight back a laugh.

"Of course, baby."

It’s not as frenzied as before, but it’s no less intense. Cas slowly strokes Dean into full hardness while they kiss, slow and deep. Then he pushes his panties away and takes them both in one hand. Dean moans when their cocks slide against each other with a delightful friction. All he can do is grip Cas’ shoulders or hips or the back of his neck and cling to him as if he is a lifeline and watch his hand slide over them, thumb smearing precome over flushed heads.

He feels Cas’ eyes on his face, the boy is studying him like an experiment, cataloguing every reaction, every hitched breath, every moan and gasp and whisper of his name. Too quickly,  Dean gets too close. He can’t keep himself from thrusting into Cas’ hand and when Castiel leans in and kisses him, Dean comes. Cas doesn’t stop, kissing and licking Dean’s moans from his mouth and smearing Dean’s hot jizz over both of them. And before Dean comes down from his high, with a voiceless cry, Cas is coming too.

He collapses on Dean’s chest, breathing hard as if he just ran a marathon. Dean chuckles happily and kisses the top of his head. Cas looks up at him with a dopey smile and wipes his hand off on Dean’s shirt that is ruined anyway.

With a sigh, Dean pulls the shirt over his head and uses it to clean them up. He doesn’t want to end with dried jizz all over himself like the last time, but at the same time he’s not gonna get up anytime soon.

He drops the filthy shirt on the floor and Cas tugs himself into his panties.

After some shuffling, Dean ends up lying sprawled on the couch, with Cas curled like a giant cat on his chest. Dean grabs a blanket that is draped over the back of the couch and covers them with it.

He’s running his hand up and down Cas’ spine under his shirt, lost deep in thought. Cas is like a wild animal. He’s untamed, fierce and somewhat dangerous, but at the same time he’s so fragile, vulnerable, easily frightened. He’s special.

Just to think about it makes Dean’s heartrate faster. He doesn’t want to tame him, he wants to get to know him, to learn what works on him, how to make him feel safe. He’s happy that Cas has let him get so close, but he realized that the boy can flee any moment.

"Cas?" he breaks the comfortable silence.

"Hm?"

"You said you never had a relationship, right?"

"Yes, " he mumbles sleepily, rubbing his cheek against Dean’s collarbone.

"But you had sex before... before you started..."

Cas props himself on one hand so he can look into Dean’s face. "You’re asking if I ever had sex that I wasn’t paid for?"

Dean nods, afraid that he upset Cas with the question.

The boy shakes his head. "No, not really. I exchanged some handjobs and blowjobs with the boy that Michael caught me with. But Balthazar wasn’t really my boyfriend, and we hadn’t done anything more than that."

"Oh." Of course Dean’s dying to know more, to know who was Cas’ first and what it was like, but he’s actually scared to ask. This time it’s not only because he doesn’t want to bring up Cas’ painful memories, but because he’s not sure he could stand hearing about someone hurting Cas.

But then Cas starts talking without Dean urging him.

"When I ended up on the street I started with handjobs and an occasional blowjob." He’s mindlessly drawing patterns on Dean’s chest with his finger while he goes through his memories.

"Then I met Crowley. He told me he was a businessman, but I always thought he had something to do with mafia." He chuckles softly as if it was just a story that happen to somebody else.

"I think I was pretty lucky that I ran into him. I mean... it could have been much worse." He looks at Dean for affirmation, but the older man isn’t able to say anything. His stomach is churning and there’s an itch under his skin he can’t scratch. He hates this, he hates everyone who ever touched Cas, he hates that Cas had to go through those things, he hates himself for not being there for him.

He forces himself to nod minutely which is fortunately enough of encouragement for Cas to continue.

"He was much older, I mean even older than you," Cas says with a playful glint in his eye. "But he was kinda hot, I liked the British accent."

Dean growls and pinches Cas’ ass when he gets a dreamy look on his face. The boy bats his hand away and chuckles, the sound lifts the sick weight from Dean’s stomach just for a moment.

"He was married and had a son my age. He used to fuck me in his office. He let me sleep there sometimes and he paid well. And he was good to me, really. Of course I had to have sex when I wasn’t in mood, but he always made sure I came. I think he really liked me... in his own twisted way." Cas sounds sad now, regretful even, as if he actually misses the old pervert who abused him. It makes Dean sick. He pulls Cas closer and rubs his nose against the sensitive skin of Cas’ neck. The boy giggles which disperse the heavy atmosphere.

"It all went to hell then," Cas sighs, stroking Dean’s arm. "Alfie, Crowley’s son, had a crush on me. And I was an idiot, so I slept with him." This time it’s definitely regret in Cas’ eyes, but this time it doesn’t make Dean angry, it makes him want to kiss the look off Cas’ face. But that would mean interrupting Cas, which is the last thing he wants to do now. The boy seems like he needs to get it off his chest. He opts for petting Cas’ hair instead.

"Crowley’s wife found out and she freaked out. She said that I was an abomination and I corrupted Samandriel- that was Alfie’s true name- and Crowley played along and kicked me out."

"Son of a bitch," Dean breathes out and kisses Cas’ forehead.

"Crowley had paid me enough so I was able to rent a small apartment, but when she found out, Naomi told my landlord that I was a fag and he kicked me out. So I ended on a street for being gay for second time." He huffs out a mirthless laugh and Dean feels a hot tear fall on his bare chest.

"Since then, I never earned enough to pay a rent. I could if I tried harder, but... I didn’t really want to. I stuck with blowjobs and handjobs and did the butt stuff only when I really needed money for food."

Dean swallows around the lump in his throat and tries to blink away the tears that are prickling in his eyes. He always knew Cas was a good guy, but he was too good for his own good, too good for this cruel world.

Cas props himself on his hands on Dean’s chest and looks Dean in the eyes.

"It wasn’t always awful, but... I stopped seeing sex as something pleasurable, something that I’d want, a long time ago and it only got worse after Alistair."

Dean lets out a heavy breath and nods, his hands tighten on Cas’ hips without his say so.

"But, it’s different with you," Cas continues, his voice so low it’s almost a whisper. "I dream about having sex with you, Dean."

Dean could have figured as much earlier, but he still had doubts that Cas wants it only to make Dean happy, to pay back what he thinks he owes him. The confession disperse all doubts and makes Dean’s heart hammer vigorously against his breast bone.

He pulls Cas in for a kiss. His lips are salty with tears and he makes a needy sound as he opens his mouth to let Dean in.

When they part, Dean wipes a stray tear from Cas’ cheek with a pad of his thumb.

"When we have sex, there won’t be any tears, promise me.“

Cas grins at him.

"I promise.“


	19. All These Things That I've Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m so so sorry this chapter took so long! The only reason is that I´m an idiot. Thanks for your patience, we´re getting close to the end!

Cas is still smiling like a fool when the lesson ends. Pamela has to snap her fingers in front of his face to get his attention.

"Hey, lover boy, I wanna talk to you about the audition."

"Oh, great." It’s been just a few weeks since Dean convinced him to apply for the dance academy. Cas agreed only because he’s quite sure he won’t be accepted, so he won’t have to worry about the tuition.

"Are you going to help me with my solo routine?" When he asked her for help, he was afraid that she’d discourage him, but she just told him she had to think about it. He hopes she didn’t change her mind.

"Yes, of course. I’m happy you decided to give it a shot." She smiles and pats his shoulder.

"So, I was thinking about it. You know that your technique isn’t good enough yet."

Cas nods with a sigh. "I’m very aware of that."

"Wipe off the sad face, buttercup, it’s not like you aren’t talented, you just didn’t have enough time to practice."

A wave of anxiety surges in his chest. "Pamela, if you think it’s pointless for me to even try-"

"That’s not what I said." Her voice is suddenly sharp and authoritative. Cas shuts his mouth, his shoulders slumpashe’s waiting for her next words. He relaxes a bit when she smiles again.

"I’m telling you that you need to make the committee notice you, to make sure they remember you next time."

Cas feels an unsure smile stretching on his face.

"And how am I going to do that?"

Pamela’s grin widens, she reaches into a bag on the floor behind her and pulls out a pair of high heels.

“I hope they’ll fit.”

Cas’ jaw falls slack.

* * *

 

Dean comes home in a bad mood, but he forgets all his worries the moment he sees Castiel in his old cut off shorts, Dean’s old shirt and-

"Holy shit, are those stilettos?"

Cas turns from the kitchen counter to give him a shy smile.

"I can explain," he says, dropping his eyes to the shoes he’s wearing.

"You better," Dean breathes out, unable to tear his eyes off Cas’ muscular legs. The sight does weird things to his insides, like when he saw Cas dancing for the first time.

"It was Pamela’s idea. She wants me to dance in them at the audition."

Dean’s eyes are immediately on Cas’ face.

"What? Why? I thought it was serious."

Castiel frowns the way he always does when Dean accidentally says something tactless.

"It is. She thinks it’s a good way to catch their attention. And I agree."

"I bet you willgettheir attention," Dean mutters, his gaze sliding down Cas’ body back to his high heels.

Cas holds his chin up defensively, like he expects Dean to try to talk him out of it, he crosses his arms on his chest.

"You don’t like it."

Dean sighs and takes a step closer.

"I didn’t say that." He grabs Castiel’s hips and lifts him up to sit on the counter. Cas wraps his legs around him, the scratch of heels on his calves sending shivers through Dean’s body.

"You’re in a bad mood," Cas observes, running his fingers through Dean’s hair.

"I have some troubles at work, nothing you should worry about." He leans his forehead on his boyfriend’s shoulder and enjoys his soothing touches.

"I worry about you," Cas says and kisses the top of his head.

"Don’t. It’s gonna be okay." He kisses him to avoid further questions about what’s wrong. It works well to distract both of them.

 "Why are you wearing the shoes in the house?" Dean asks between sucking kisses to Cas’ neck.

"Isn’t it uncomfortable?" he adds, tongue brushing over the shell of Cas’ ear.

"It is, that’s why I need to get used to them before I can try to dance in them." Cas throws his head back to make space for Dean who’s nibbling at his throat.

"You think you can do that?"

"Yes. It won’t be my first time," he sighs. "But the last time I had a pole to hold onto."

"Shit, Cas," Dean moans when he imagines it. He presses closer, grinding against Cas’ crotch.

They moan in unison right before the doorbell rings.

A string of profanities slips from Dean’s lips as he untangles himself from Cas’ embrace.

"I swear if it isn’t important, I’m gonna strangle whoever is behind the door," he growls as he walks to the hall. Cas chuckles behind him, returning to preparing dinner.

Dean opens the door to see a short man with sandy hair and somewhat childish face with mischievous eyes.

"Hello, are you Dean Winchester?" he asks before Dean can even take a breath to say something.

"Depends on why you’re looking for him."

The man’s lips curl into a crooked smile.

"Your brother gave me your address. My brother Castiel is supposed to be living with you."

Dean’s eyes widen. "You’re-"

"Gabriel." Castiel’s voice behind Dean sounds breathless. Dean turns to see the boy standing there, barefoot, pale, eyes wide with shock.

"Hello, little brother," Gabriel says and his whole expression turns much warmer than when he was talking to Dean.

Dean waits, unsure of what Castiel’s reaction will be.

The boy looks like he froze on the spot. Then he slowly walks to his brother, who now looks just as tense as Dean feels.

The tension snaps when he takes the last step and throws his arms around Gabriel’s neck. The shorter man wraps him in a tight embrace and buries his face in the crook of Cas’ shoulder. Dean suspects that he’s hiding tears.

"Cas, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. I swear I wouldn’t have left you if I knew!" he says when they pull away enough to look at each other’s face. There’s no hiding of the fat tears that roll down his cheeks now and with a swell of emotion Dean notices Cas is crying too.

"I know, I know," he whispers.

Gabriel shakes his head, like he wants to shake the sadness off.

He squeezes Castiel’s shoulder with a grin. "Look at you. All grown up."

Cas grins back and chuckles when Gabriel pats his cheek and pulls him down to press a kiss to his forehead.

"Uhm, Gabe, this is Dean," Cas says, finally acknowledging his presence.

"He helped me get on my own feet."

Dean smiles and squeezes Gabe’s offered hand. He wonders if Cas is going to pretend they aren’t together like he did in front of Sam.

"Thank you, Dean. I owe you a lot."

Dean shakes his head. "No, you don’t. Come in. I guess you have a lot to catch up on."

 

They sit in the kitchen while Dean finishes what Cas has started and cooks the dinner. 

"You need to tell me everything, Cassie, everything."

Dean hears Cas hesitating, probably considering what exactly is the _everything_ he wants to share with his brother and what he’s going to omit.

"Michael wanted me to be a good soldier and I obeyed blindly for some time."

Gabriel sighs. "You never had a single fight with him, I thought you two would be alright. That he would have his good little brother in you when he couldn’t have that in me. That’s why I didn’t take you with me."

"I understand that, Gabe." There’s a silence in which Dean imagines the two brothers stare in each other’s eyes or touch reassuringly, he doesn’t look at them to find out, though.

"I didn’t want to fight with him so I pretended I to be something I was not. I had secret hobbies, I hid my favorite books and music, I lied about where I went after school. It worked for a while, but then I realized it was eating me alive."

Dean never heard this part of Cas’ story in such detail, so he stops pretending he’s not listening and turns to look at them.

"That’s when I met Anna. She was queer and for some time we pretended we were dating, but then she said she couldn’t live like that anymore. She ran from home, rebelled. And I did the same, I started to do everything I knew Michael would hate. I joined a band and got a tattoo, every time I got high I made sure he knew. And then I invited Balthazar home and I think part of me knew Michael would catch us. I wanted him to know. But I never guessed he would-" the rest hitches in his throat. Gabriel heaves a sigh and pulls him into a hug.

"I’m so sorry, kiddo," he whispers into his hair.

 

They drop the painful topic and the atmosphere gets much lighter.

They eat while Cas talks about his job, dance classes and the audition for performing school.

"Let’s make a bet, little bro, if you get accepted, I will pay the tuition."

Cas’ eyes widen comically. "You would do that? It’s a lot of money."

Gabriel’s impish face gets serious once again. "Look, Cas, I’m not trying to buy your forgiveness. I can’t go back in time and help you when you needed me. What I can do is help you now. And money really isn’t a problem for me."

"Alright," Cas breathes out, tears glistening in his eyes. "Then we have a bet."

Dean squeezes his knee under the table and Cas shoots him a bright smile.

 

The moment Dean finds himself alone with Gabriel and sees the "big bro" expression on the man’s face, he knows he’s in trouble.

"So is it a custom of yours to pick up young boys and take advantage on them?" He asks, leaning against a counter like he’s talking about weather.

Dean turns to face him, squaring his shoulders. "Is it a custom of yours to talk about things you don’t know squat about?"

Gabriel steps closer, chin up, looking up at Dean with a dangerous glint in his golden eyes.

"I know there’s always something creepy about an older man and a child."

Dean grinds his teeth, sucking in a breath through his nose before he speaks.

"Your brother stopped being a child the moment he was kicked out of his home," he growls, ignoring the flare of guilt that flickers over Gabe’s face.

"I took him home because he needed help."

Gabe nods. "Yeah, thanks for that. You’re so kind and selfless, letting him pay for it with sex."

Dean gasps, but before he can collect himself enough to come up with a reply, Castiel storms into the kitchen and shoves Gabe away.

"Cas!" Gabe yelps in surprise, facing his brother.

"What the hell, Gabriel!" Castiel yells, shoving Gabe’s shoulder again.

"You don’t come here and attack Dean. You have no idea-" he heaves a breath and Dean realizes just how furious he looks.

"Look, Cas," Gabe starts, hands in the air in a placating gesture. "I know he helped you and you feel gratitude for him, but this is wrong. And it’s not your fault, you’re too young to understand that, but the man is using you! If he was as good as you believe he is he wouldn’t let you whore yourself for a roof over your head."

His words hang in the air for just a second, but it seems painstakingly long. Dean’s sure his heart has stopped and then his stomach makes a nasty twist as Castiel throws his head back and starts to laugh hysterically.

"You have no fucking idea," he barks, pointing a finger at his utterly confused brother. Dean never heard him sound like this - his voice raw and breaking, but fierce.

"You think you’re some kind of a hero? Saving me _from Dean_? Where were you when I was selling myself to have something to eat? When I let strangers fuck me in bathroom stalls and prayed I wouldn't catch something? Where were you when I got raped?" He yells the last sentence, then turns around. Dean sees tears glistening on his cheeks as he passes him. Before he realizes he should stop him, Cas is gone. He hears the front door slam shut.

"Cas!" he shouts, ready to run after him, but then he realizes Gabriel is still there. He’s standing right where Cas has left him, very still and very pale. He looks like his knees might give out any minute.

Dean places a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder to steady him.

"What-" Gabe breathes out. "What have I done?"

"You were being an idiotic older brother," Dean says, trying not to sound bitter.

"Next time, try to listen before you talk."

The man looks up at him. "I’m sorry."

"I bet you are. We can fix that later, first we have to find him."

Gabriel nods, his features shifting into a determined expression. "You know where he might go?"

"He’s a runner. By now he could be anywhere."

 

They take the car and drive around the block in hope that Cas didn’t run too far.

After a few moments Gabriel breaks the heavy silence.

"So was he really-"

"A hooker? Yes. But I swear when I first took him home, I only wanted to help him. I didn’t even know... I thought I wasn’t into guys."

Gabriel looks at him, but doesn’t say anything, which Dean I grateful for.

"What happened between us wasn’t intended. I just wanted to help him so he wouldn’t have to do what he did."

Gabriel nods. "I believe you. And I apologize."

Dean accepts the apology with a curt nod.

 

They don’t find him in the neighborhood, so they try the gas ‘n sip, but he’s not there either.

Dean calls Pamela and Jo, but neither of them has seen him.

Then Dean turns a corner and suddenly it hits him. He speeds up until he sees the lights of a liquor store.

For some reason Castiel returned to the place where it all started.

Next to the door, huddled on himself against the wall, he looks so small that Dean’s heart clenches. He stops the car and runs to Cas, followed by Gabriel.

Dean crouches by the boy’s side and tentatively reaches for him, approaching him like a wounded animal.

"Cas, baby, come here. It’s okay."

Without looking up Cas crawls into Dean’s arms, wrapping himself around him, sniffling into his neck.

"It’s okay, I’ve got you," Dean murmurs soothingly, rubbing his back.

"Make him go away," Cas whines, tightening his arms around Dean’s neck.

Dean looks at the other man, who’s staring at them with wide eyes, lips parted. Dean sees it clear in his face that if he didn’t believe him that what he has with Cas is real, he must see it now.

"You should go. I’ll call you later."

Gabriel bites his lip, his eyes full of worry roaming over his brother’s body.

"Okay," he sighs. "Sam has my number." With that he turns around and walks away, looking over his shoulder one last time.

When he’s out of sight, Dean presses a kiss into the top of Castiel’s head.

"Let’s get you home."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title by The Killers.  
> Before you ask: yes, I was inspired by Yanis Marshall´s dance in high heels.


	20. Feel Like Making Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long and explicit chapter, I hope you enjoy it :) Warning for bottom!Dean undertones because I couldn't help myself

Castiel eventually calms down enough to agree to meet Gabriel again.

This time, he truly tells him everything. He talks abouthislifeonthestreet, about being a hookerandwhathappened with Alistair with cold detachment. Talking about his date with Zeke and how he fell in love with Dean is much easier, but he still feels like a Muppet saying somebody else’s words.

He agrees to keep in touch with Gabe, but when his brother tries to hug him, Cas shies away.

When he comes home, he curls up in Dean’s bed and lets Dean soothe him with gentle touches and kissing.

 

Everything goes back to normal. Castiel works at the Gas ‘n Sip, attends his dance lessons and spends every free minute training for the audition.

He’s so focused on himself, he doesn’t realize something is wrong with Dean. They basically only ever meet in bed where they cuddle or make out, or just fall asleep in each other’s arms. Sometimes they also exchange a few words over a morning coffee, but then Dean says everything is alright, he’s just a bit busier at work than usual.

So it’s a surprise when Cas comes home one day and hears the sounds of an argument from the kitchen.

"No way in hell!" Dean says angrily.

A female voice answers him, calm but urgent.

"Then we can just put it off, you’ll give it to me when you can. I can do without it-"

"No! What if something happens? You lose your job or Ben gets sick-"

"Then we’ll deal with it. But now we’re alright with the money I earn. So if you’re struggling, you don’t need to-"

"I told you I’m alright! The money I give you won’t make a difference anyway. I’m fucked. There’s nothing you can do about it."

Castiel feels his blood run cold in his veins. Dean’s in serious trouble and Cas didn’t notice. Even worse, Dean didn’t tell him anything.

His legs move on their own accord and he steps into the doorway. A board in the floor creaks under his feet drawing Dean’s and the woman’s attention to him.

Cas ignores Dean guilty expression and focuses on the woman who’s staring at him with curious dark eyes, head tilted to one side.

She’s beautiful, even more so than in the photos in Dean’s bedroom. As he steps closer, she gives him a bright smile.

"You must be Cas," she says, offering a hand.

"Nice to meet you, Lisa," he says, accepting it.

There’s a moment of heavy silence after they shake their hands. Lisa looks between them, reading their expressions right, because then she clasps her hands.

"Alright. I should go, Ben is waiting in the car."

She smiles at Cas and heads to the door, when Dean moves to go with her, she stops him.

"I’ll walk myself out and tell Ben you love him. Bye, Cas." With that she disappears, leaving them standing awkwardly in the kitchen.

Cas stares at Dean until he hears the front door shut.

"Why didn’t you tell me you’re struggling with money!" he blurts out before Dean can open his mouth.

"Because it was pointless."

Cas steps into Dean’s personal space, his angry expression making the taller man step back.

"I could pay you some rent!"

Dean grabs his shoulder. "Stop that, Cas. You’re the same as Lisa. What you can give me wouldn’t be enough. The numbers we’re talking about here are just too high."

"But why didn’t you tell me?" Cas’ voice turns sad instead of angry. A mix of emotions flickers over Dean’s face.

"I didn’t want to bother you," he says with a sigh.

It makes another surge of anger rise in Cas’ chest.

"That’s such bullshit, Dean! I thought that we... We’re partners." His voice breaks a little.

Dean bows his head and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Cas steps closer. "Even if I couldn’t help you, I could’ve supported you."

"I’m sorry," Dean breathes and pulls Cas into a hug, leaning his chin on the boy’s shoulder.

"I should’ve noticed," Cas mumbles, rubbing Dean’s back.

"I should’ve told you."

"Will you tell me now?"

Dean sighs, hugging him tighter for a moment, then he pulls back.

"Alright, but I need a shower first. I’ve been playing baseball with Ben all day and I stink."

Cas smirks. "May I join you? After a long day at work I’d use a shower too."

Dean grins at him, grabs his hand and drags him upstairs.

 

When Cas starts to spread lather over his shoulders, Dean groans his protests at first, but soon relaxes into the touch. He’s literally purring a few minutes later when Cas shampoos his hair, scratching his scalp gently.

"Tell me what’s going on," Cas urges when they switch roles and Dean is washing his back, rubbing soreness away.

Dean sighs and lets his hands slide around Cas’ waist in a tight embrace, stepping into the spray of water with him.

"The garage isn’t mine. I mean the business is, but the place isn’t and the owner raised the rent again only a few months since the last time."

Cas frowns and turns in Dean’s arms so he can see him.

"Can he do that?"

Dean shrugs. "I wanted to buy it from him, made him a good offer, but he told me to go fuck myself. I suppose it’s better for him to suck my blood like this until I bleed out."

"Can’t you move to another place?"

Dean shakes his head. "I think it’s pointless. The competition is too big anyway. Maybe it would be better to shut down and find a job at one of the fancy places."

The sad look in Cas’ wide eyes makes him look like a Disney character.

"But you love the place. You and Bobby-"

"I know," Dean cuts him off. "But the only way I can get rid of Marv is to buy the place for the price he asks, and I could only do that if I sold the house _and_ got a huge loan."

Cas lets out a breath and leans his head on Dean’s shoulder.

"I’m so sorry, Dean."

Dean wraps his arms around him. "I know. But it’s okay. I've survived worse."

Cas looks at him, brows drawn together in exasperated expression. "But you shouldn’t have to. You deserve to be happy."

Dean smiles, warm and gentle, stroking Cas’ cheekbone.

 "Thank you, Cas. I’ll be happy if we stop talking about it for now, okay?"

"As you wish, Dean," he whispers and presses their lips together.

Dean kisses back, tugging at Cas’ hair to adjust the angle and deepens the kiss. Hands slide over flushed, slick skin, bodies press together. They don’t even notice that the water runs cold, their kisses heated enough to keep them warm.

Cas nibbles at Dean’s lower lip before he pulls away. "Dean, please," he whispers, his hot breath brushing over Dean’s kiss-swollen lips.

"Please," he repeats, dragging his lips over Dean’s jaw line, rolling his hips just right so his erection slides against Dean’s.

Dean groans, grabbing his ass and pulling him even closer.

"Are you sure?" he asks, voice deep with lust.

"I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life."

Dean huffs out a short laugh and kisses him again, blindly groping for the tap.

When he manages to turn the water off, they help each other out of the shower. They try to dry themselves on the way to the bedroom, but they end up on the bed still wet, the towels forgotten on the floor.

They make out without intent. Just exploring the planes of naked skin, breathing it in, tasting it under their lips and tongues.

It’s Cas who grows impatient. He wiggles out of Dean’s hold.

"Wait," he whispers, kissing Dean’s cheek. He rolls out of the bed and heads to the door, bouncing on his feet like a child on Christmas morning. Dean laughs, watching his naked ass disappearing in the hallway.

With a smile on his lips, he stretches on his back, joints popping. He feels the cold fingers of anxiety wrapping around his heart, but before he can think too deeply about what he’s going to do, Cas returns. He’s gleaming with excitement, gloriously naked, hair wet and cheeks flushed. The sight of him erases all Dean’s doubts in an instance.

Cas gets back on the bed and opens the bottle of lube he brought from his room.

"Let me," Dean says, voice so soft he surprises himself. He snatches the bottle from Cas’ hand, smiling at him reassuringly.

Castiel lets himself be manhandled, laid down on his back. He spreads his legs, making place for Dean who leans down and kisses his chest.

Cas takes a shaky breath, his hands clenching the sheets. He’s blushing as Dean runs his hands and lips all over his body, which is ironic because he’s far from being a virgin. The fact is, he had sex before, but it was never like this. Dean’s touches are unhurried, tender and tentative. Cas feels that he’s the sole center of Dean’s focus, that his pleasure is all that matters to Dean right now. It makes his heart beat uncomfortably fast.

"Let me know if I do something wrong," Dean says, concern clear in his voice.

Cas nods. He doesn’t need to be treated like a delicate flower.

"I mean it." Dean frowns, his voice dropping lower. Cas looks him in the eyes. He would let Dean to do anything he pleases with him, but he understands from the look he’s giving him, that Dean doesn’t want that. He wants to do it right, because he cares about Cas. It’s still a bit scary, even after everything they’ve been through together, to let Dean take care of him, but Castiel decides he wants it, he wants this. He nods again and relaxes into the mattress.

Dean places a few openmouthed kisses to Castiel’s inner thighs before he presses a slick finger to his hole and slowly slides in, watching Cas’ face for a reaction.

 Castiel squeezes his eyes shut, then lets out a heavy sigh.

"You okay?" Dean asks.

Cas nods and rolls his hips, taking Dean deeper, urging him to move.

Dean obeys, sliding his finger in and out in a steady rhythm, using his free hand to stroke Cas’ hip soothingly.

His mouth is dry and his cock twitches with every soft sound Cas makes.

"More," Cas moans, writhing on the sheets. Dean carefully adds another finger.

"Is it good?"

"Deeper," Cas orders breathlessly, so deep and husky, it sends sparks fly through Dean’s body.

He presses deeper and startles a bit when Cas cries out, worried that he did something wrong, but then he notices how quickly Cas is breathing, rubbing his  nipple with his palm and whispering "yes" between gasps for air. He tries to touch the same spot again and after a moment he knows exactly how to move his fingers to make Cas’ hips buck off the bed and his cock, hard and flush, leak precome onto his stomach.

The sight of him slowly coming undone is so entrancing Dean doesn’t really think about what he’s doing. He leans down and takes the glistening head of Cas’ cock into his mouth. He hesitates for a fraction of second, but then he hears Cas gasp. It encourages Dean to suck him deeper.

Dean doesn’t really know what he’s doing so it’s probably not that great, but he tries to thrust his fingers into Cas’ hole in rhythm with the bobbing of his head and Cas makes just the sweetest sounds, so he’s probably not doing that badly.

"Dean!" Cas moans shakily, his fingers tangling in Dean’s hair.

"Dean if you don’t stop... I... I’m gonna..."

Dean hums around the hard flesh in his mouth. Castiel tenses under him and then with a broken cry of Dean’s name, he’s coming right into Dean’s mouth.

Dean thought he was prepared, but the sensation still surprises him. He pulls away, sputtering.

"Dean! You shouldn’t have..." Cas says worriedly, propping up on his elbows, even though he’s still coming down from his orgasm.

Dean wipes the come and saliva from his chin.

"It was gross, but it was worth it." He grins at Cas, who’s staring at him with wide eyes, cheeks flushed and hair a total disaster.

"I warned you. Why didn’t you stop?"

Dean shrugs and shifts closer on the bed so he can press a soft kiss to Cas’ lips.

"You didn’t tell me to stop. You told me that you would come. And I wanted you to come."

Cas stares at him with lips parted like he doesn’t understand a word of what he just heard.

"But we... it was supposed to... I thought you wanted to fuck me."

Dean sighs, fighting himself not to roll his eyes. He strokes Cas’ cheek tenderly.

"I wanted to have sex with you. And that’s not only about taking. I wanted to make you feel good. And I enjoyed doing so."

If it’s even possible, Cas’ expression turns even more shocked. He takes in a sharp breath, then averts his eyes and rubs at them with the back of his palm.

Dean’s chest clenches. He squeezes Cas’ shoulder.

"What’s wrong, Cas?"

"Nothing, I just," Cas chokes, still not looking at him.

"No one has ever... I’m not used to being treated like this," he finally gets out, laughing a little, like it’s stupid.

Dean ignores the ache in his heart and pulls the boy into a hug.

He doesn’t say how fucked up it is, that no one ever cared about his pleasure. He doesn’t say how much Cas deserves. He pours all the unsaid words into his touches as he’s stroking Cas’ hair, rubbing his back and kissing his cheeks.

At first Cas is pliant in Dean’s arms, then he starts to perk up, like he’s drawing energy from Dean’s ministrations. It takes only a few minutes for the sweet cuddling to turn into making out again.

Dean almost flinches when Cas takes his cock into his hand, like there’s a reason to be ashamed of the fact he’s still hard.

"You can still fuck me," Cas whispers into his ear. "I’ll probably be able to come again soon."

And of course he would, he’s in the age where refractory period isn’t an issue.

Dean shakes his head though, nuzzling at Cas’ neck so his words are muffled when he speaks.

"I’m okay like this." He pulls Cas closer to prove it.

"But you didn’t come," the boy protests.

"Let me at least suck you off."

Dean pulls away so he can look Cas in the eyes. "You don’t have to pay me back, Cas," he says solemnly and presses a kiss to the corner of Cas’ lips.

"But I want to. Come on, Dean, please." He breaths the last word out seductively while slowly stroking Dean’s length. Dean’s eyes fall shut and he nods.

Cas lets out a happy chuckle as he disentangles himself from Dean’s embrace and starts to kiss his way down Dean’s body.

"Cas, wait," Dean breathes out, when Cas rubs his hips, pressing kisses to his belly.

Castiel looks up and oh god, the sight of his face so near Dean’s groin makes Dean’s breath hitch.

"I was thinking-" he trails off, blushing like a schoolboy. He tears his eyes off Cas’ face and takes a deep breath, trying to gather courage.

"When I saw how much you enjoyed it, I thought maybe I’d like... maybe you could-"

Cas’ eyes widen in realization. "You want me to finger you?" he asks, surprised.

"Uhm, no, no, forget it, it was a stupid idea," he mutters.

"No it wasn’t!" Cas shakes his head, climbing up Dean’s body so he’s leaning against his chest, their faces close.

"I was just surprised, but I’m happy you want to try it."

Dean’s cheeks are burning now, he’s unable to look Cas in the eyes. But the boy leans down and presses their lips together in a sweet kiss, which makes Dean melt.

"I’m sure you’ll love it," Cas whispers and nibbles at Dean’s lower lip.

Dean lets out a frustrated sound and then Cas’ face disappears again.

Cas’ hot breath brushes over the flushed head of Dean’s cock. Moaning, Dean buries his fingers in Castiel’s thick hair, as wide pink lips close around him and the wet heat of Cas’ mouth surrounds him.

Cas hums around Dean’s cock, then lets it slip out of his mouth with an obscene sound. He runs his tongue along the vein on the underside, then licks around the head.

Dean’s an incoherent mess already, barely able to fight the urge to buck his hips up.

Cas nibbles at the base of Dean’s cock, then moves to his balls, kissing and licking, sucking them into his mouth, all the while pushing Dean’s legs more open.

Dean stares at the ceiling, one hand in Cas’ hair, the other grasping the sheets. He’s not even trying to stiffle the sounds escaping his mouth.

Cas’ mouth travels lower, his tongue touching behind his balls, at the soft spot right between them and Dean’s hole. Dean’s body shivers and he shifts his pelvis to make more space for Cas.

"Cas! What the-" he cries out when he feels the hot wet touch of Cas’ tongue on his hole. He wants to protest, to stop him, because this is weird and he shouldn’t do it but-

"Oh fuck! Cas!" It feels so good, it's setting Dean’s body on fire. He breathes through his open mouth, his heart beating so hard he’s sure it’s going to burst out of his chest in any minute. And he doesn’t care, too immersed in the feel of Cas licking the puckered skin of his hole, gently probing in.

Dean has to grind his teeth when Cas takes his cock in his mouth again. He’s so close and he desperately wants to come down Cas’ throat, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to end just yet.

Cas is bobbing his head in steady rhythm, humming occasionally which convinces Dean that he actually enjoys it too.

His hands are running over Dean’s hips, his inner thighs, driving Dean just as crazy as Cas’ mouth.

Dean’s so out of it, that he doesn’t flinch when Cas’ finger rubs around his hole, but then it slides in and Dean gasps.

It’s weird, but not bad. His hips twitch and Cas pushes deeper. Dean groans at the intrusion, torn between wanting it to stop and wanting more. Cas moves his finger just slightly while he doesn’t stop sucking Dean’s cock, that now must be leaking precome into his mouth.

All the sensations are just too much, waves of burning heat are running through Dean, making his muscles tremble. Then Cas shifts inside Dean again and Dean can’t fight it anymore.

He comes so hard his vision blacks out for a moment. With a broken cry of Cas’ name, he bucks his hips up, thrusting into the boy’s mouth.

Cas swallows everything down like he can’t get enough.

Dean’s still shaking from the force of the orgasm when Cas slips his finger out. He hisses as he starts to feel the slight burn, but is soothed by Castiel’s lips on his.

He can taste himself on Cas’ tongue and it’s one of the most erotic things ever.

"Cas," he breathes, running his hands through Cas’ hair. He wants to say how much he liked it, that it was one of the best experiences he’s ever had. But he’s still too wrecked to muster a coherent sentence.

"Shh," Cas shushes him, snuggling into his side.

Dean sighs, kissing the top of Cas’ head, happy that he doesn’t have to say anything, because Cas understand even without words.

 


	21. If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient with me. I hope this chapter is wort the wait. It´s plot heavy, but you might feel the need to kick my shin after reading it. You have an official permission to yell at me in the comments or on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)  
> To avoid confusion: Marv is Metatron.

The first thing Dean sees when he blinks his eyes open the next morning are eyes blue like autumn sky staring at him.

"Cas," he groans, voice hoarse from disuse. "That’s creepy," he adds, burying his face in his pillow.

"Sorry," Cas breathes out softly, running his hand through Dean’s hair. "I couldn’t help myself.”

Dean turns his head just right so he can look at the boy, but his flushed cheeks are kept hidden.

"There’s nothing to see," he mumbles.

Cas cocks his head to one side. "Yeah, you’re right. But I've always had a weakness for old men."

Dean huffs out a laugh and punches Cas’ shoulder which only sets the boy into a laughing fit.

"You little shit!" Dean growls playfully, crawling on top of him. Cas puts up little resistance as Dean pins his wrists to the mattress and bites his neck.

"Seriously though, you’re very handsome," Cas says when they calm down.

"Stow it," Dean mutters, dropping his eyes.

Cas wrenches his hand free from Dean’s grip and runs the tip of his index finger down Dean’s nose.

"You are. The first time I saw you I thought-"

"What?" Dean lifts his eyes, curious.

It’s Castiel’s turn to blush, but he doesn’t break eye contact.

"When I first saw you and I thought you wanted to... to buy me. I thought that it would be great if you let me ride you, because then I could see your pretty eyes."

Dean’s breath hitches, then he releases it in a soft puff and licks his lips.

"Would you still like that?" His voice is low, the words a bit slurred, like he isn’t sure he wants Cas to hear them.

Cas’ eyes widen and he nods. Dean opens his mouth to say something, but Cas is already pulling him down and crashing their lips together.

This time Dean makes quick work of prepping Cas, then he’s pushed into the mattress with Cas on top of him, straddling his hips.

Dean makes a frustrated sound, there’s too much space between them like that. He sits up and wraps his arms around Cas’ waist, latches his lips on Cas’ neck. He can’t get enough of Cas, of the feeling of him in his arms. It’s almost painful, like something is tugging at his heart.

Cas lets out a content sigh, rolling his hips, the slide of their cocks driving Dean crazy. He fumbles for the condom waiting ready on the bed, but Dean grabs his hand.

"Wait," he breathes out.

Cas’ eyes find his and they’re much softer than Dean would expect. They’re darkened with lust, but also full of affection.

Dean feels like he might explode. He wets his lips with his tongue and swallows, his throat suddenly too dry, but he needs to say what’s on his mind. And he has to say it now, because later Cas might think Dean’s saying it only because of sex.

"Dean?" Cas urges him softly, growing impatient, maybe even worried, because Dean has been just staring at him for a long moment.

"I love you," Dean says. Once the words are out, Dean feels like he might float into the atmosphere, he’s so light.

"I love you, Cas," he repeats, chuckling at how easy it is to say it now.

Cas lets out a shaky breath and wraps his arms around Dean’s neck, burying his face in the crook of his shoulder,

Dean rubs his back and strokes his hair. When Cas pulls away to look at him again, his eyes are shiny with tears. Dean wants to soothe him, but Cas kisses him instead and it’s better than saying those three little words back a thousand times.

 

When Cas finally guides Dean’s lubed cock to his hole, Dean grabs his hips, squeezing a little.

"Slow," he whispers against Cas’ ear.

Cas makes a frustrated sound but he obeys, lowering himself slowly, throwing his head back with a moan as he feels every inch of Dean sinking into him.

"Oh god, Cas, oh god," Dean mumbles as the tight heat of Cas’ body envelopes him.

Cas leans down to kiss him, now fully seated on Dean’s lap, Dean is filling him so perfectly. It doesn’t feel like an intrusion, like itdid with other people. It’s more like Dean’s complementing him, making him perfect.

"Slow," Dean reminds him, their lips barely separated.

Cas breathes out and starts to move, almost agonizingly slow. For the first time in his life he doesn’t want it to be over as quickly as possible, he wants to savor each second of it.

They’re wound around each other so tightly, it’s hard to say where one ends and the other begins and if they could, they’d mend into one perfect being.

Dean whispers sweet nonsense between pressing kisses into his skin and Cas is clinging to him like he’s a lifeline, his fingers leaving red marks.

Their rhythm is slow, their moves fluid, like waves washing over the shore.

The heat in Cas’ belly is growing steadily, spreading through his veins, making his muscles tremble.

"Dean," he moans, desperate for release, but not wanting it to stop.

Dean sucks at his nipple, pink and hard, and wraps his hand around Cas’ cock, smearing the bead of precome he finds on the tip with his thumb.

"It’s okay, baby, let go. I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Cas."

Cas’ breath hitch, his heart aches, too full with all the feelings towards Dean.

"I love you," he cries out as a wave of pleasure rushes through him and sweeps him right over the edge. His body tenses, his back arching backwards beautifully.

Dean strokes him through his orgasm, thick ropes of cum falling on his hand and stomach.

Cas lets out a high pitched whine, fine tremors running through his body, as he’s coming down.

Dean lays him gently on his back and rocks into him a few more times, their eyes locked.

"I love you," Cas repeats, his voice a bit strangled.

It’s all Dean needs to topple over the edge. Cas pulls him down into a kiss, swallowing his moans, Dean’s cock twitching and pulsing inside him. 

When he catches his breath again, Dean pulls out and gets up to get rid of the condom and grab some tissues to clean up. When he’s ready, he lays himself next to Cas who’s curled up on his side. Only when he wraps his arms around him and pulls him against his chest does Dean notice that Cas’ shoulders are shaking.

"Cas?" Alarmed, he rolls him over. Cas sniffs and tries to hide his face, but Dean catches a sight of a fat tear dangling from his thick eye lashes.

"Cas, baby, what’s wrong?" he asks, stomach twisting with concern.

"I’m sorry, Dean," Cas whispers, trying not to sound too whiny. "I promised you not to cry."

"Are those sad tears?"

"No!" Cas shakes his head vehemently. "They’re happy."

Dean lets out a relieved chuckle.

"Then it’s okay. Everything is okay." He leans down to kiss the wetness off Cas’ cheek.

* * *

 

Castiel’s determined to spend more time with Dean, but the only way to do so is to visit him at the garage, since Dean’s taking more orders than usual and working longer in a desperate attempt to keep the place.

Cas is there, helping with some paperwork, when the owner of the place comes. When he sees him, his heart stumbles. He knows the guy from the part of his life he likes to pretend happened to somebody else. Marv - yes, Dean told him the name, but Castiel didn’t make the connection - notices him and recognition shows in his eyes.

Cas shakes his headin warning, not sure why. Dean knows what he used to do, so why try to keep it secret that he knows this guy? He’s relieved when Marv rolls with it and doesn’t acknowledge that they know each other.

Castiel doesn’t hear his conversation with Dean, but when the guy leaves, Dean comes out of his office looking miserable.

"How did it go?" Cas asks, even though he already knows the answer.

"I tried to make some compromise, but he wouldn’t have any of it. I guess he wants to kick me out but doesn’t have balls to do it, so he wants to make me give up."

"I’m sorry, Dean," Cas sighs and gets up to give him a hug.

 

Seeing Dean so frustrated and disappointed, knowing that he’s giving up and preparing himself for the worst, it’s killing Cas. He can’t stop thinking about it on his way to his dance lesson.

That’s why instead of Pamela’s studio he finds himself standing in front of Marv’s house.

He’s never actually slept with the guy. There’s something creepy about him, guys like him usually have weird kinks. But Marv never really took no as an answer, he got almost stalkerish. Cas let him buy him a dinner a few times, but that was all.

He rings the doorbell and waits. Beside owning some reality and tormenting the tenants, Marv tries to be a writer, so he has a lot of free time. As Cas expects, he’s at home and after a moment he opens the front door, wearing an ugly brown robe.

"James! I thought you disappeared from the face of the Earth."

Castiel tries not to flinch at the name. It feels strange, like his old life is getting a grip on him.

"I came to make you a deal," the words are out of his mouth before he can really think about them. They scare him a bit, but he steels his face into a determined expression.

Marv tilts his head to one shoulder. "What kind of a deal?"

"Won’t you invite me in first?"

"Oh I’m sorry, I’m being impolite." Hurriedly, Marv steps aside to let Cas in and leads him into a living room. The space is crammed with books floor to ceiling and smells of dust.

"Would you like something to drink?" Marv asks pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

Cas shakes his head.

"I’d like to get straight to business."

Marv hums sipping his drink. In Cas’ opinion he’s enjoying the situation a little too much.

"I sleep with you, you sell Dean Winchester the garage for the price he’s offering."

If he’s surprised, it doesn’t show on Marv’s face.

"What makes you believe you’re worth it."

Cas smirks, leaning against a bookshelf seductively. He’s not wearing revealing clothes like he used to, but he knows he looks much better with all the muscles he’s gained. He’d also be able to fight Marv off, should he get some funny ideas.

"We both know I’m worth it," he says, running his hand up his torso. "We both know you always wanted me."

It’s weird how easy it is to get back to acting like that.

"That was true before you disappeared to find yourself a sugar daddy, who’s willing to sell you to get what he wants."

Feeling a surge of rage Cas walks the few steps that separate them, getting into Marv’s space, leaning down so he breathes hotly into his face as he speaks.

"Dean doesn’t know that I’m here and that’s how it’s gonna stay, or I cut off your balls andfeedthemto birds, do you understand?"

Marv lets out a tiny sound and Cas feels his arousal pressed against his thigh. He tries not to puke and instead presses against it.

"So? Do we have a deal, Marv? You get what you want and Dean gets his contract."

"Fine," Marv breaths out, his breath smelling of whiskey. "We have a deal."

 

Marv is gentle. He gives Cas enough time to prep himself and then he takes it slow. On the other shand Cas would rather endure some roughness  if it meant it would be over faster.

He shuts himself off, not closing his eyes because he knows _they_ don’t like it, but escaping into a daydream anyway. He imagines it’s Dean touching him, recalls the warm feeling of utter happiness when Dean told him he loves him, imagines the happy smile on Dean’s face when he gets the contract on the garage.

When it’s over (fortunately, it didn’t take Marv that long to get off) he walks home like a sleep walker.

He says hi to Dean and runs straight to the bathroom, where he tries to scrub everything off. He still feels like puking, but when he tries, nothing comes out.

"Are you okay?" Dean asks, he’s been waiting for him outside the bathroom. Hearing the concern in his voice, Cas reminds himself that he did it for him, that it was worth it.

"I think I caught some bug," he lies.

"I’ll make you some herbal tea," Dean says, checking his temperature, then ruffling his hair.

"No. I’d rather you just lay down with me."

Dean smiles at him so warm it melts the wall of ice Cas has built around his heart when he was with Marv.

When Dean holds him in his arms, Cas shakes for a few moments but then he manages to relax and all the sleazy feeling in his gut slowly washes away, replaced by contentment, because everything is alright. Dean can keep his job thanks to him, and they’re going to be happy and carefree again.

 

The next morning Dean doesn’t believe Cas is alright. The constant reassuring turns into a cuddling session, when Cas opts for shutting him up with a kiss.

That’s why Dean arrives to the auto shop late and finds Bobby waiting for him in front of his office.

"Mr I’m The Owner I Can Do What I Want is waiting for you," he announces without a preamble. Dean frowns and enters the office. Marv is sitting behind Dean’s desk with a shit-eating grin.

"Dean, Dean, Dean. I was starting to think you’d never bless me with your presence."

"I’m sorry," Dean mutters, closing the door behind himself, then considering if it’s the right choice. Maybe he should have witnesses for when he finally kills the bastard, who would tell the court he was provoked.

"I had a family emergency," he adds and takes the place that is normally reserved for customers.

"Oh, I bet you did," Marv says. Dean doesn’t like his tone, but he ignores it, his sight falling on the papers on the desk. A selling contract.

"As you already figured out, I came to discuss the selling of this place."

Dean doesn’t really listen to him, like in a dream, he reaches for the papers and turns them to see that the price is the one he offered. The contract is already signed by Marv.

Dean looks up and blinks, convinced that Marv will disappear, but he’s still there.

"Why?" Dean breathes out. "Why did you change your mind?"

It’s too good to be true, there must be a catch.

Marv shrugs with a pout that might look innocent and cute on someone who’s not Marv.

"I realized I’m successful enough that I might afford some charity."

Dean swallows back the stream of slurs that threaten to spill off his lips and ruin the deal. He looks down again, examining the papers, only to find out that it’s the exact contract he presented to Marv himself months ago.

"What’s the catch?" he asks, still not able to believe that this is really happening.

"Oh Dean, you poor boy, what happened to you, that you can’t believe there might be no catch?"

Dean wants to say that people like Marv happened to him, but instead he reaches for a pen.

As he signs the two copies of the contact, he tries to block out Marv’s voice but to no avail.

"To be honest, I’m glad I’ll get rid of this dirty business. I can invest the money into something new. Maybe a bookshop. Or a bakery."

Dean silently pities everyone who’ll ever work in Marv’s new business whatever it will be.

"Alright," he says, handing one of the copies to Marv.

"Thank you," he offers the short man a hand. Marv squeezes it with both of his.

"Thank you, Dean. It was a pleasure to deal with you. Good luck and say hi to Jimmy from me."

_Jimmy_. The name freezes Dean on the spot. Before he can collect himself, Marv is already gone.

 

* * *

 

 

When Cas comes home, Dean is sitting in the living room, which is weird because he’s normally at work this timeofthe day. Cas doesn’t think about it too hard, simply happy to see him.

"Hello, Dean, how was work?" he asks before he pecks him on a stubbly cheek.

It’s then that he notices the frown on Dean’s face and some kind of alarm goes off in his head.

"It was good. Great actually. Marv came and sold me the place," Dean says, his tone strangely cold for telling such good news.

"That’s great!" Cas tries to sound cheerful, but even to himself he sounds a bit strained. He flops himself on the couch and gives Dean a bright smile, but the man doesn’t even look at him, eyes fixed on the coffee table.

"Yeah, it’s really great, I just wonder what made him change his mind."

Cas swallows around the lump forming in his throat.

"Does it matter? You own the place now, he won’t bother you anymore."

"Maybe you’re right," Dean says, finally looking at him.

"The other thing I can’t get out of my head is why he told me to say hi to Jimmy."

Cas would swear his heart stops for a moment.

"I... I...-" he stutters, scrambling for some excuse, for some way to save this situation.

"I know him from before," he blurts out eventually.

Dean’s eyes are hard on him, the green in them usually so warm and lively now seeming cold.

"Did you sleep with him?" Dean asks. It feels like he might as well reach into Cas’ chest and squeeze his heart.

He knew he would eventually have to lie to Dean, but he hoped it wouldn’t happen so soon. He considers if he should deny it, or say the partial truth. What will hurt less? What will cause less damage?

"Did you sleep with Marv?" Dean repeats, raising his voice and startling Cas.

"Yes," he breaths out and immediately regrets it when he sees the shadow running over Dean’s features.

"Before or after you were with me?" Dean doesn’t try to suppress his anger anymore and Cas wants nothing more than to soothe him, to tell him his assumption is wrong, that everything is alright.

He’s been lying all his life, why is it so hard to lie now? Now that his relationship with Dean relies on it?

He finds himself unable to speak, staring at his hands resting on his knees.

He hears Dean shift and looks up to see the man standing in front of him. Dean grabs the front of Cas’ shirt and hauls him to his feet.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t sleep with Marv to make him sign the contract."

Cas lifts up his chin defiantly and looks Dean straight in the eye. The moment of silence is brief but it feels like hours, like weeks, like months that they lived together playing on fast forward between them.

Cas averts his eyes.

"Son of a bitch," Dean breathes out, his voice breaking.

"Let me explain." Cas reaches for him, but Dean steps back.

"Don’t. I get it," Dean says as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

A spark of hope flares in his chest only to die again when Dean looks at him.

"You wanted us to deal with problems together, right?"

"Yes!"

"So you ran and slept with Marv, that’s what _together_ means to you?"

Cas feels a deep blush coloring his cheeks. He’s been stupid. But it was the only way and Dean wouldn’t have let him do it.

"Dean, I-"

"What the fuck did you think? That I would be happy?"

"You weren’t supposed to know," Cas mutters, eyes dropped to the floor in shame.

Dean huffs out a mirthless laugh.

"And that’s supposed to make it better? That you wanted to lie to me? What else would you lie to me about? Or have already?"  

Cas’ head snaps up.

"Dean stop! I couldn’t tell you because you wouldn’t let me do it. But it was the only way!"

"No it wasn’t!" Dean shouts. "It wasn’t the only choice! It shouldn’t have been a choice at all, Cas!"

Cas squeezes his eyes shut to stop the tears that are pooling in their corners from spilling.

When Dean speaks again, it’s softer, but it only hurts that much more.

"I did everything I could to get you out. I tried to help you so you would never have to do it again. Because I was sure you did it only because the terrible circumstances made you do it. Now I’m not so sure about that. Maybe it’s just who you are."

The last words are almost whispered, but they still hit Cas like a punch in the gut.

He looks at Dean, all his emotions suddenly forged into rage.

"I did it for you," he growls, stepping into Dean’s space. "I did it because of you!"

Dean shakes his head minutely, eyes fixed on Cas and Cas notices there are tears threatening to spill too.

"I didn’t ask for that."

Cas opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Dean cuts him off by turning away.

He walks to the liquor cabinet and reaches for a bottle of bourbon.

"Get out of my sight. I need to be alone."

All the air leaves Cas’ lungs and hot tears finally run down his cheeks. He runs up the stairs and shuts himself in his room, leaving Dean alone just as he wished.

* * *

 

Dean manages to fall asleep, but only thanks to the bourbon he indulges. He wakes up with a headache in his bed that feels too big and too cold without Cas by his side.

Dean’s stomach twists, not because of the hangover, but because of the memories of their fight. Of what Cas did and what Dean told him.

He feels like crying, but he’s out of tears after last night.

He crawls out of the bed. All he needs now is to hold Cas in his arms. Because he loves him and that’s the only thing that matters, the only thing that makes sense.

He’s still angry, still deeply hurt, but he can’t hate Cas. He hates himself, because he should have stopped it somehow. All he wanted was to protect Cas and he failed. Again.

But they can get over it. They can work it out.

He opens the door of Cas’ room. It’s empty. All Cas’ things are gone. The posters are down from the walls and rolled neatly on the bed. There’s something else on the bed and without thinking Dean steps closer to look at it.

Cas’ bunch of keys, his phone and a paper envelope.

Holding his breath, Dean opens the envelope. There’s money inside and a note. He takes the note and lets the envelope fall on the bed.

_Dean,_

_I’m sorry._

_I know the money isn’t by far enough for what I owe you, but it’s all I can give you now._

_Thank you for everything._

_Love you_

_Cas_

 


	22. I Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m sorry this took so long, but it got much longer than I expected and I wasn´t satisfied with the ending so I had to run it through different betas and re-write it a few times. Thank you for your patience and I hope you´ll like the final version.

"No, no, no, no, NO!" Dean says to the empty room, his voice breaking. The note crumbles in his violently shaking hands.

He can’t breathe, panic squeezing his chest too tight. He looks around helplessly, at a total loss of what to do. Cas left his phone, so Dean can’t call him and he has no idea where the boy could go.

Did he left at night, or did he wait till the morning? What if something happened to him?

The idea of Cas back on street makes Dean’s stomach twist.

He collects himself long enough to grab his own phone and dial Gabriel’s number.

“Is he with you?" he blurts out the moment he hears the click on the other end of the line.

"Hello, Dean, and no Castiel isn’t with me." Gabe sounds so calm and smug Dean wants to punch him in the face.

"Do you know where he is?"

"Yes. But he explicitly asked me not to tell you, sorry."

Dean flops himself on the bed, equally relieved and pissed.

"Gabe, please, I need to talk to him, I need to-" his voice falters and he’s not able to continue.

He hears Gabriel’s sigh and to his surprise it doesn’t sound mocking.

"I’m really sorry, Dean-o." He hangs up.

"Gabe, wait! Gabe!" Dean shouts, but it’s too late.

"What do I do? What do I do?" he whispers to himself, rubbing his forehead and pacing back and forth.

The crippling desperation is crawling through his chest, swirling around his heart. If he gives in, he won’t be able to do anything but curl into fetal position and cry.

So he does the only thing that comes to his mind - takes the car and goes looking for Cas even though he knows there’s almost no chance of finding him.

He goes to the Roadhouse. Jo says Cas stopped by in the morning and hugged her, but didn’t say anything about leaving. She looks pretty miserable when Dean tells her about the fight (omitting the sensitive details) and Dean wants to punch himself in the face for telling her.

Dean goes to the dance studio next, but it’s closed this early.

The stop at the Gas ‘n Sip is equally vain. Cas’ boss tells him Cas quit this morning, but didn’t say where he was going.

 Dean spends next few hours driving around, stopping every time he sees a dark haired guy.

He thinks about going to Marv’s house, but he would probably strangle the bastard and that wouldn’t help anything.

 

When it’s time for Cas’ dance class, Dean waits on the steps to the studio.

"You’re waiting for Cas?"

Dean looks up to see the hot dance teacher - Pamela.

"Yeah. We- we had a fight and he left  so I thought-"

Pam sighs shaking her head. "I’m sorry, Dean, Cas isn’t coming tonight."

Dean feels his jaw falling slack and his blood freezing in his veins as his last hope dies.

"He called me and said he moved and he was going to continue to prepare for his audition somewhere else, closer to his new place."

"Did he-" Dean has to clear his throat to try and not sound strangled. "Did he tell you where he moved to?"

The pitying look she gives him makes him want to scream. "Sorry, Dean, he didn’t."

"Okay, thanks," Dean forces himself to choke out and stands up.

She gives him a sad smile and he can still feel her eyes on him as he walks away.

 

When he gets home, he feels like all life has left him. He grabs a bottle of beer from the fridge and collapses on the couch.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the ceiling when his phone rings. He hurries to answer it, not looking at the caller’s ID.

"Cas?"

"Dean, it’s me.  Are you okay?" By the tone of Sam’s voice, Dean can tell somebody (probably Jo) has already told him what happened.

"He’s gone, Sam," Dean breathes out, curling up on the couch.

"He’s gone and I don’t know what to do. I need to fix it, Sam. I need to."

"Dean, I’m so sorry."

Dean sniffs and rubs at his eyes.

"Did you call Gabriel?" Sam asks.

"Yeah, I did. He knows where Cas is, but won’t tell me."

"Well at least you know he’s safe."

"Yeah, I guess," Dean sighs.

"I just want to talk to him. Tell him I didn’t want this. Tell him that we can fix this. That I’m not mad." Dean’s voice is strangled and unnaturally high, but he doesn’t care. At least he’s not crying,  though his eyes are burning.

"Do you want to tell me what exactly happened?"

Dean shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk about it, talking will make it more real. Despite that, Dean takes a deep breath and spills everything out. It hurts but his heart doesn’t feel like it will explode because of all the pain, once the words are out.

"Jesus, that’s fucked up," Sam says and Dean can’t help himself and huffs out a mirthless laugh.

"So you didn’t mean what you told him? You would want him back?"

"Of course! For fuck’s sake, Sam, of course I want him back. I was mad and hurt and I had a good reason for that, but I never said I couldn’t forgive him. What he did was stupid, but... but I still love him."

He lets out a breath that breaks into a sob and wipes the tears that are running down his cheeks angrily.

"I just need to tell him that."

There’s a pause on the other end, Sam thinking about it.

"I can try to talk to Gabe. We’re not exactly friends, but we stayed in touch since I found him and told him your address, so maybe I could make him spillwhere Cas is."

Dean’s heartbeat picks up its pace as he feels a spark of hope.

"Please do it."

"Okay. But I can't promise anything."

"Thank you, Sam. You’re my favorite brother."

Sam chuckles and Dean feels an answering smile on his face. It doesn’t stay there for long.

 

The house is so huge and empty now that Dean’s there alone, he doesn’t understand how he managed to live on his own before Cas moved in.

Within a few days Dean switches from sad to angry to lethargic two thousand times. It gets the worst when he tries to accept that this is how it’s going to be from now on, that Cas disappeared from his life as abruptly and unexpected as he appeared and there’s nothing he can do. Thinking about that makes him choke back tears and throw things against walls.

He hadn’t realized how empty his life was before Cas turned it upside down. Cas taught him what hope tastes like and how good it feelsto want to be happy.

Now Dean is back to where he was almost a year ago - alone, miserable, sure that there’s nothing good waiting for him in the future.

He tries to at least pretend that he’s okay for Ben, but even the boy figures out something is wrong with him and instead of doing something exciting, he agrees to just watch movies and eat burgers.

Lisa, though, is something different. She knows the moment she sees him and she’s all sympathetic looks and comforting pats on a shoulder. Fortunately, she doesn’t pry for details of the break-up.

It only makes Dean feel like an asshole, because he wasn’t such a mess when they broke up. It was very different. They didn’t work and they had known for some time, so it wasn’t this sudden and they discussed it a lot. With Cas, Dean didn’t even have a chance to fight and that’s probably the worst part.

When his phone rings and he sees Sam’s name a few days after they spoke, his breath quickens.

"Sam? Please tell me you have something."

"Hey, how you feeling?"

Dean rolls his eyes. "I’m peachy, Sam. Did you talk to Gabriel?"

"I did. He’s staying in the same hotel as when he visited Cas the first time, but I don’t know if Cas is with him."

Dean lets out a heavy breath. "Thank you. It’s something at least."

"Yeah, I really hope it will help you."

"Thanks."

"Good luck. Call me when you have any news, good or bad."

"Okay, bye, Sam."

 

Dean tries to remember the last time he was this nervous. Maybe when he was about to meet Lisa’s parents?

He’s standing in front of Gabriel’s room, a bouquet of red and white daisies from his garden in hands. Cas had been eager to see them, but he left before they begun to bloom.

Dean clears his throat and knocks on the door. It takes a minute before it cracks open and Gabriel’s face appears.

"Dean-o! These are for me? You finally realized you fell for the wrong brother?"

"Not funny, Gabe. Is Cas here?"

To Dean’s surprise Gabriel’s face actually turns serious. He leans against the doorframe, arms crossed across his chest.

"No, he isn’t."

Dean’s heart drops. He had been so hopeful!

"And where he is?" Dean’s voice is small and unsure.

"Moving his stuff into his new apartment, I guess."

"Oh." So he has a new home. That’s good, really good, but also the worst thing possible, because it means he’s moved on.

"Look, Dean, I don’t agree with him that it’s better for the both of you if you never speak again, but it’s his decision, and as his brother I have to respect that."

Dean swallows around the lump in his throat and nods.

"Okay, yeah," he hears himself say, but it’s like in a dream.

"Can you- can you at least give him these?" He shoves the flowers into Gabe’s face and he takes them gingerly.

"Of course."

_Tell him I’m not angry. That we can fix this. Tell him I love him._ All those words hang on the tip of Dean’s tongue but he doesn’t say them. It’s pointless. Cas doesn’t want to hear them.

He realizes Gabe is saying something when he’s already walking away. He turns to look at him, but the short man just waves good bye, the flowers that has been Dean’s last chance in his hand.

* * *

 

"This place is a shit hole," Gabriel says, being his usual tactful self, as he walks through the apartment.

"I used to live on a street, Gabriel, this is luxury to me," Castiel reminds him. The place is small and kind of messy, but Cas’ roommate is nice and it’s a big step for him to live on his own, so he’s really not picky.

"Are you sure you don’t want to move in with me?" Gabriel asks, genuine concern on his face.

Castiel shakes his head resolutely.

"No, Gabe, I’m fine here."

"Alright," Gabe sighs and flops himself on the ratty couch. "But if you ever get tired of rats and cockroaches, my offer will stay."

Cas makes a face. "There are no cockroaches."

"Are you sure? I think I saw one in the kitchen."

Cas snorts and punches Gabe’s shoulder.

"Why do you have to be such an asshole?"

"It’s my duty as an older brother," Gabe grins.

Cas shakes his head in disbelief, but he’s smiling too, glad that he has his brother back.

"Put the poor flowers in a vase," Gabe reminds him and Cas frowns picking up the bouquet lying on the coffee table.

"I can’t believe you brought me flowers," he says, running his fingers over the delicate petals. He likes daisies. He has one tattooed on his arm.

"They’re from Dean."

Castiel almost drops them.

"What? You talked to him?"

"Yes, he came to the hotel, wanted to talk to you, left the flowers."

"Oh." Totally taken aback, Cas just stares at the flowers, his heart beating faster.

"He looked pretty wrecked," Gabriel adds, voice uncharacteristically soft.

Castiel looks at him, surprised.

"I thought you were glad that we broke up."

Gabriel frowns. It actually looks a bit scary, when his normally cheerful face turns this serious. He stands up and takes a step towards Cas.

"How could you actually think that?"

Castiel bows his head. "You didn’t approve of our relationship," he murmurs.

"Look, Cas, that was true. I was worried because an older man and a young boy, it just seems creepy."

Cas looks up, ready to say something, but Gabe doesn’t give him the chance.

"But then I saw how he looked at you when he picked you up at the liquor store. And I saw how you clung to him. I would have to be an idiot not to recognize that what you had was real. That he genuinely cared about you."

Cas swallows, feeling tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.

Gabe steps even closer and places a hand on Cas’ shoulder.

"So no, I’m not happy that you two broke up and I think you should give it a-"

Cas cuts him off by shaking his head and stepping back.

"No, no. There’s no other chance! It’s ruined! I ruined everything!" he shouts, the tears spilling and running hot down his cheeks. He wipes them off angrily with the back of his hand.

"But if he’s looking for you with flowers, doesn’t that mean he wants to forgive you? Maybe did already."

"Of course he did forgive me. Because he’s... he’s just so... so good! But that doesn’t mean he _should_ forgive me!"

"Cas, that’s..."

"What if Dean was right?" Cas barks. "What if I’m too screwed to even recognize what’s right and what’s wrong? I mean, who does that? Who cheats on their boyfriend to..." he trails off, his lower lip trembling.

"What if he’s right and it’s who I am? A whore is a whore."

"No, stop that!" Gabriel snaps, grabbing Cas’ arm and shaking him a little.

"I bet Dean didn’t mean that. He was upset, understandably so, so he said some stupid things. But he obviously didn’t want you to leave."

Cas sniffs loudly, like a little boy, and leans his head on Gabe’s shoulder.

"I can’t go back, Gabe. I’m not good enough. I would screw up again and Dean doesn’t deserve that."

Gabriel rubs his back soothingly. "It’s up to you, Cas. I can only hope you will find happiness again, whether with Dean or without him. But _please_ don’t think that you’re not good enough."

 

When Gabriel leaves, Cas feels exhausted. Mentally from the talk with Gabe and physically from the moving. He decides that a nice hot bath is what he needs and gets the water running.

He’s on his way to grab a towel when he’s stopped in his track by the sight of the bouquet on the floor. He must have dropped the flowers during his talk with Gabe without even noticing.

He picks them up gingerly, like it’s a wounded animal. A few petals fall to the floor. The flowers need some water. Right, water, bathroom. He goes back to the bathroom and sits on the edge of the bath tub, lost in thoughts.

Staring at the colorful blooms he thinks about Dean. About Dean cutting the flowers in his garden, because he knew how much Cas wanted to see them.

Dean, who apparently wants him back.

And Cas wants that too. Of course he wants that. He misses Dean, so much that it’s a constant ache in his chest, like there’s a Dean-shaped hole in his heart.

The thing is he didn’t leave because he doesn’t want to be with Dean. He left, because he can’t stand himself.

He knows why he did what he did and he knew it was stupid from the start. But he was driven by the need to help Dean, to finally pay the debt, to save him like Dean saved him once. So he did the only thing he could. He did it because he knew he was the only one able to do something like that for Dean. And he was naive, endlessly naive, thinking that Dean wouldn’t find out, that Marv would keep his word, but the bastard found a way how to tell Dean without actually saying anything.

Castiel thought that the fact he did it to help Dean would make the cheating hurt less, but it only made it worse apparently, because now Dean blames himself for being cheated.

Dean, beautiful selfless Dean, who’s been running around the town searching for Cas (Cas spoke to Pamela and Jo). Dean who believes in him.

Cas wishes he could have such faith. Faith in himself to not screw up again.

He runs his hand over the flower stems in his hand and jerks, snapping out of his thoughts. The stems are empty, all the flowers being cut and thrown into the water. He didn’t realize what he was doing while he was thinking.

"No, no, no," he murmurs. He didn’t want to ruin the flowers, the only thing he has left from Dean. He reaches into the water, collecting the flowers in his hands, then crawls into the bath tub. Surrounded by the water and white and red daisies, he lets the pain in his chest overflow him and starts to cry.

 

His roommate - Hannah- finds him when the water is cold. She drags him out of the bathroom and wraps him in a blanket. She doesn’t ask what happened, for which Cas is grateful.

* * *

 

Lying on the couch Dean doesn’t hear the door opening over the music blasting from his stereo, so he almost shits his pants when he hears a loud "Hey!" right next to him.

"Son of a-" he breathes out sitting up hurriedly to see his brother’s grin.

"Sam! What the hell?"

Sam picks up the remote and turns the stereo off.

"I’m happy to see you too," he says. Dean has to blink a few times before he admits that he didn’t fall asleep and Sam is really standing in his living room.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to stop the pity party you’re having."

"I’m not having a pity party," Dean mutters, grabbing the half empty bottle of beer from the floor and splaying himself on the couch again.

"You’re lying on your couch, drinking beer and listening to rock ballads. You’re pathetic."

Dean rolls his eyes and sips his beer.

"I’m okay."

"Liar," Sam sighs and sits in the armchair, facing Dean. It feels a bit like they’re a therapist and a patient.

"Look, I’m not great, but I’m doing alright. I just need some time to mourn okay? It’s not like I spend all day like this and don’t even shower. "

"Yeah you’re just avoiding your job, that’s all," Sam shrugs exaggeratedly.

Dean turns his head away with a little pout. He’s not going to talk about that.

"Dean, you can’t let Bobby deal with everything on his own. Without you the business will go under"

"I can’t go there," Dean sighs, almost inaudibly.

"Look, Dean, I get it. I get that the place reminds you of what Cas did, but... he did it so you could keep the place. By abandoning it you’re letting it to go in vain. Is that what you want?"

With eyes shut, Dean clenches his teeth and shakes his head.

"That doesn’t mean I can do it. That I can go back."

"Of course you can," Sam says and the hope in his voice is contagious. "That’s why I’m here! I’m going to help you, I’m gonna be your crutch," he adds overly cheerful and spreads his arms like he’s presenting himself on an infomercial.

Dean can’t fight back a short laugh bubbling up his throat.

"Bitch," he huffs, throwing a cushion at his brother.

"Jerk."

 

To Dean’s surprise, it does actually get better. Sam stays for a few days and it’s really great to have him there. They spend the days in the garage (it only does Sam good when he gets his lawyer’s hands a bit dirty) and during the evening they go to the Roadhouse or see a movie.

It’s so good that Dean sometimes forgets. He comes home and expects Cas to be curled on the couch. He catches himself thinking about the movie and how he has to tell Cas, then he realizes he can’t. It always makes him feel like someone’s tearing his chest open and Sam has a hard time to improve his mood again. Dean is honestly dreading the moment when his brother leaves him and he’ll be alone with his mind again.

"I’ll call you when I arrive," Sam promises as Dean parks the Impala in front of the airport.

"You’ll be alright," he says, squeezing Dean’s shoulder.

Dean rolls his eyes. "Sam, I’m not a heartbroken chick," he protests out of habit. He has to admit he’s grateful for his brother dropping everything so he could spend some time with him while he’s been... well, maybe heartbroken is the right word.

Sam gives him one of his trademark bitch faces and gets out of the car. He grabs his duffel bag from the backseat and waves at Dean. Then he’s gone.

Dean goes home, the house is empty and silent like a graveyard. It’s only Dean and his old friend Jack Daniels again.

 

When Dean works he leaves his phone in a locker in his office. Now that he's found the nerve to come back, his work is the only thing that keeps him sane. And so he spends long hours under the hood of one car or another.

He wipes his dirty hands with a rag and shreds his coverall. He’s weary but as content as he can be these days.

He digs his phone from the locker and frowns when he sees that he has a voicemail message. He expects Sam, but the voice that comes isn’t his. 

"Hello, Dean," the gravelly voice that Dean would recognize anywhere says and positively makes Dean’s heart stop for a moment.

"I- I’m calling from a booth, so don’t try to call this number back."

Castiel takes a deep breath, hesitating for a moment and Dean’s scared for a second that he would hang up.

"I just thought you might want to know that I’m doing alright. I’m living in an apartment with Hannah. She’s a college student and we get along well. I also have a new job in a small record store which means I get to listen to music and talk to people about it all day. Also no night shifts, which is great," Cas rambles, then his voice drops and he continues much softer.  

"I eat breakfast every day." He trails off, but this time the silence sounds like he’s run out of topics, but doesn’t want to end the call.

"The audition is next Wednesday, so keep your fingers crossed, I mean, if you want."

Cas sighs, making the line rattle.

"Okay, that’s all. Take care, Dean. I-"

The message ends and Dean blinks at his phone, making sure that he didn’t cut it off accidentally, but that's really all there is.

He listens to it again and again, until he knows every word by heart and can play it on repeat in his head.

 

* * *

 

The hallways of The Kansas School of Performing Arts are empty and cold. There’s classical music playing in the distance. Dean feels so out of place he has to fight the urge to turn around and leave. But this is too important to chicken out off. He didn’t come to beg Cas to come back, no, he’s over that. But after the phone call, he needs to see him. Needs to know that Cas really is alright. Cas gave him the chance himself when he told him when the audition is, so he won’t be mad that Dean showed up, right?

"May I help you?" Startled, Dean turns around to see a petite redhead with a manila folder in her hand and a Star Wars t-shirt looking at him suspiciously.

"Uh, my... my _boyfriend_ , he’s... he’s doing an audition. Dancing?" The word stings in his throat for an utterly different reason than the first time he ever used it for Cas.

She shoots him a toothy smile, then her expression turns serious again.

"But the audition isn’t public, he didn’t tell you?"

Dean drops his eyes and rubs the back of his neck. "No, he... Okay, look, we had a fight and he ran away and-"

"And you came to win him back. Aaaaw, that’s so cute!"

Dean feels his cheeks burning with embarrassment, but he forces himself into a weak smile.

"You know what? You’ll be able to talk to him only after the audition, but I can arrange for you to see him dancing."

"Really?" Dean perks up. "Are you sure? I don’t wanna get you in trouble."

"Oh trust me, if I get in trouble, I have my ways out," she winks at him and he can’t but grin at her.

"I’m Charlie, by the way," she says thrusting her hand out.

"Dean." He shakes it.

"Okay, follow me, Dean," Charlie says and heads down the hallway.

They walk up the stairs and then she opens a door for him. Dean blinks stepping into the darkened room and realizes it’s actually a control booth.

"Thank you, Kev, you can go," Charlie says to the young boy sitting at the lighting desk. He gives Dean a once over, but then leaves without a word.

Dean looks through the glass wall at the auditorium empty but for the second row where the committee is sitting.

There’s a blond girl in a cat suit on the stage, performing her routine.

"So, what’s lover boy’s name?" Charlie asks, already sitting behind the control panel, looking at a list of names.

"Castiel Novak," Dean answers, his throat tightening.

"You’re lucky. Just one more and then it’s his turn."

"Great," Dean breathes out, turning back to the stage, wrapping his arms around himself nervously.

The next number is incredibly boring and Dean’s almost shaking with anticipation. He thinks of Cas, if he’s nervous, what is he doing right now. He wishes he could see him, tell him that he’s going to do well.

"I heard this song at least three times today," Charlie says.

"The worst part of the audition is that a lot of the dancers are the same. I hope your boy is something different."

"You bet he is," Dean whispers.

The dancer on stage finishes her routine and makes a small bow, then she leaves the stage a bit awkwardly as there’s no applause, just the committee making notes.

Charlie fumbles with the controls, the stage goes dark and the music starts to play.

When the lights turn on again, Castiel is on the stage.

He’s wearing the killer high heels, black tights, loose white tank top and black biker gloves. His hair is spiked up and he’s wearing black eye liner. The resemblance of the first time Dean has seen him hits him with such force, he gasps for breath.

Cas is smiling brightly, moving in the crazy shoes with grace and confidence, each movement seductive, every look he shoots into the audience provocative. Dean would be aroused by the performance if his chest wasn’t constricted with anxiety.

Cas makes another sexy figure on the floor, showing just how flexible his lean body is, but at the moment where Dean expects him to strike a suggestive pose, Cas curls up on himself instead, rubbing at his eyes like he’s crying and smudging his make-up. The music changes and with it Castiel’s moves. He doesn’t seem seductive anymore. It’s like he’s dropped an act and now he’s showing the ugly truth. His moves speak of struggle and sorrow, of a bone deep sadness. It’s beautiful and heart wrenching. Dean’s lips start to tremble with the realization that Cas is dancing his own story.

The song begs for forgiveness and asks for help and even though it’s sad, it ends with hope and so does Castiel’s routine.

Dean lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Everything stills for a moment, then Cas bows. He’s panting and sweaty, but he’s smiling, which Dean guesses means everything went as he planned.

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and smiles too. He hears Charlie let out a small: "Wow."

 "Thank you," Dean says, turning to her. "I’ll-" he gestures to the door and she nods.

"Yeah, go wait for him downstairs. Good luck, Dean."

"Thanks." He smiles at her one last time then heads out of the control booth.

 

* * *

 

Cas is high on endorphins. He sheds the sweaty clothes and the damn shoes and puts on his t-shirt and jeans, then he wipes off his make-up.

He dials Gabe’s number on his way out of the changing room.

"So?" Gabe barks out the moment he picks up the phone.

"So I didn’t sprain my ankle."

"Great. And?"

"And nothing. I won’t have the results till tomorrow."

"Okay, but how do you feel? Did you do well?"

"I think so," Cas answers with a bright smile.

"Good. Congrats little bro. Call me when you get the results."

"Will do. Bye, Gabe."

"Castiel Novak?" he hears a female voice behind him.

He turns and freezes. Professor Baum herself is standing behind him. She teaches classical jazz dance and she’s known to be one of the most strict members of the committee.

"Miss Baum?"

"I came to tell you that your performance was the most… complex one we’ve seen during an audition in a long time."

Cas nods, not sure whether it’s a compliment or not.

"I personally liked it very much and even though a lot of my colleagues wouldn’t agree with me, you've certainly made an impression."

"Thank you."

"We both know your technique is far from perfect though."

Cas bows his head. "Yes, I know."

"I shouldn’t be telling you this, but judging by your results in the previous parts of the audition that were focused on the technique, I think you won’t be accepted."

Cas sighs. He knew that, he came here expecting that he wouldn’t pass, but judging by the feeling of disappointment spreading through his chest, he must have been nurturing some hope.

"The reason I’m telling you is that I give private lessons to students like you. It’s kind of a prep course. The acceptance rate of people who go through this course is ninety percent."

Cas looks up at her, mouth agape. She smiles and hands him a card.

"We start next week. I hope I willsee you there."

"You will, you definitely will. Thank you so much, Miss Baum."

"Call me Dorothy," she says and leaves.

 

* * *

 

Dean’s waiting in the hallway, fumbling with the hem of his jacket nervously, watching the other kids trickle out the building and meeting with their family members. He starts to think he must have somehow missed Cas when the boy finally appears at the end of the hallway and Dean’s heart skips a beat.

This time it’s _his_ Cas. In tight jeans and oversized sweather, wearing sneakers instead of heels, his blue eyes bright and without black smutges around them.

Dean’s staring straight at him so he can pin point the exact moment Cas notices him. Some silly part of Dean expects him to run down the hall, like in a chick flick and throw himself into Dean’s arms. Castiel stops instead, looking around like a cornered animal, searching for an  escape and it hits Dean that he never actually considered that Cas might not want to see him. That him running away wasn’t just a rash reaction to their fight, but that maybe, he really didn’t want to be with Dean.

 

Cas is still a bit shocked by Dorothy’s offer when he steps into the hallway, but it’s nothing against the surprise that waits for him there.

Dean is a colourful spot on the background of the gray hallway, so bright Cas can hardly tear his eyes off him. His breath catches in his throat as he tries to wrap his head around the fact Dean is really here. He hoped, just a little, that Dean would take the chance Cas gave him by the phonecall, but now he can’t believe it actually happened.

This is exactly why he’s been avoiding Dean, because in his presence he has to stop himself from running down the hallway and throwing himself around Dean’s neck. Taking a deep breath, he looks around, like there might something or somebody to tell him what to do.

 

The moment in which they just stare at each other, the length of the hallway feeling like miles separating them, is brief, but it’s enough for Dean’s stomach to tie itself into knots.

Cas finally starts to walk again, stopping a few steps away from Dean.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, Cas," Dean aswers, voice hoarse. Up close, Cas is breathaking beautiful. How could Dean forget how beautiful he was?

"What are you doing here?" Cas asks softly.

"I wanted to see you dancing."

"But the audition wasn’t public. I should’ve told you."

Dean’s lips curl into a soft smile and it feels somehow unfamiliar, like his muscles forgot how it feels.

"I found that girl, Charlie, and she let me into the control booth so I could watch you."

Cas’ eyes widen. "Really?"

"Yeah. You were amazing Cas. I bet you rocked their socks off!"

Cas bows his head, blushing. "Thank you. Actually I was told by one of the teachers I didn’t pass.“

Dean’s smile dies and Cas feels like laughing when he adds the rest. „But she offered me private classes and told me it’s almost sure I’ll be accepted next year if I attend them."

The happy sparks return to Dean’s eyes, making Cas feel giddy.

"Wow, Cas, that’s awesome! Really, I’m so proud of you."

Cas looks him in the eye, smiling, and for a moment it seems like nothing has changed, like everything is still good between them.

They both bask in the moment before the reality sneaks up on them and their smiles falter.

They start to talk at the same time.

"Dean, I’m sorry-"

"Cas, please-"

They blink at each other, surprised. It’s Dean who collects himself first.

"Cas, please. Come back to me. _I need you_. We’re familly. I love you."

Cas bites down on his lower lip and averts his eyes that are glistening with tears.

"Dean, you... you shouldn’t."

"What? Why?" Dean steps closer and cups Cas’ cheek with his hand, making Cas look at him.

"Because I’m broken." Cas’ voice shakes.

"Yes, you are. I knew that from the start.“ Dean says and Cas looks up at him, a bit defiant which is good, Dean thinks, maybe he didn’t give up on himself entirely.

"And you know what? I’m broken too. The most important thing is that we do better when we’re together."

Cas shakes his head. "I hurt you Dean," he almost sobs.

Dean’s hand slips into Cas’ hair.

"But you wanted to help me. And I... I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been." Dean almost chokes as he’s fighting back his own tears, thinking about Cas offering himself to Metatron, after everything he’s been trough. He had enough time to think about what Cas did and realizing how much of a sacrifice it was. It still hurt, but for utterly different reasons than cheting normally would.

He wants Cas to know that he understand. He wants Cas to know he’s forgiven and that he should forgive himself. He takes a deep breath and even though he knows he’s bad with words, he tries his best.

"Cas, what I said was stupid. It’s not who you are. You just did what you knew. It doesn’t mean you can’t change. I might still make a homophobic joke sometimes, or flinch when you kiss me in public and I still drown my problems in a bottle too often, but overall, I’m doing better and so are you."

Cas huffs out a small laugh, but it lacks mirth.

 "You made a mistake, but you have the right to make them. You learnt a lesson and I believe you won’t do something like that again."

Cas squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head.

"I won’t," he sighs, "I swear I won’t." He closes the distance between them and wraps himself around Dean, leaning his head on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean lets out a heavy breath and buries his nose in Cas’ hair, breathing him in. God, he missed him.

Cas melts against him and it feels like everything is falling back into place. Dean squeezes him tight, enjoying the warmth of his body.

"I don’t want you to ever do anything to hurt yourself. Especially not for me."

"I can’t promise you that," Cas murmurs into the crook of Dean’s neck.

"People do stupid things for love," he adds.

Smiling, Dean uses his hand still tangled in Cas’ hair to pull him away, so he can look him in the eyes.

"Does that mean you’re coming home with me?"

Cas hesitates. He still has doubts, still feels scared that he’ll hurt Dean again. But it’s hard to resist when Dean’s holding him in his arms, looking at him with love and trust. Cas wants to be with Dean, he knows he can’t fight that anymore, not now when he sees how much Dean wants that too. But he still has to keep his head clear, not let his feelings overflow him.

"I don’t know, Dean. I kinda like the independence of living on my own. Besides I can’t do that to Hannah, I just moved in."

Dean tries to ignore the wave of panic that washes over him.

"But you can be independent living with me. You can pay the rent and buy groceries and you already do chores. You can keep your own room, hell you can even buy your own furniture, anything you want. And we can help Hannah find a new roommate, you don’t need to move out today, just… Please, Cas, please, the house feels so empty without you and I’m worried about you when you’re out there." Only when he stops to draw a breath, does Dean realize that Cas is smiling at him, amused by his rambling, his eyes so full of affection it makes Dean’s heart flutter.

"Okay." Cas says softly and Dean’s heart almost bursts out of his chest.

“Okay?”

"Only if you’re sure you want me to."

"For god’s sake, Cas, of course I’m sure!" With that he grabs Cas by his waist and pulls him into a kiss. Soft and cautious at first, like he’s testing if it still feels as good as it used to, then turning deeper and passionate, because hell yeah, it feels better than ever.

When they break apart, gasping for breath, Cas lets out a happy chuckle, nuzzling at Dean’s jaw.

“So what now?” he asks, his whole body thrumming with strange energy – excited and scared and goddamn hopeful.

Dean shrugs one shoulder. “Lunch?” It feels beautifully casual, making Cas believe everything might return to normal. Or get even better, because Dean’s right, they make mistakes and they can learn from them. Together. Like they did from the start.

"Like a date?” Cas ask teasingly.

“Like a date,” Dean smiles and laces his fingers with Cas’.

"Alright."

Dean holds the door open for him as they walk out of the building, then leads him to the car.

“Dean?” Cas stops, tugging at Dean’s hand.

“Huh?”

“I love you.”

Dean shoots him a bright grin before he leans down to peck him on the lips.

“I know.”

Stupid reference or not, it’s the best answer Cas could get.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they live happily ever after. Or not, but it´s up to you now. This is all I wanted to tell of their story.
> 
> I can´t believe it´s over and that it took a whole year. Thank you for sticking up with me the whole time. When I started the story, I was scared it won´t be well accepted, but it turned out to be my most popular work. Thank you for that. If you ever left a comment or kudos, I´m sending you a virtual hug. Thanks to you and this fic I gained writng experience and confidence. I hope you´ll check out my other works. If you want to know what I´m up to, please follow me on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Here is a [promo pic spam](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/post/132038440598/any-colour-you-like-by-winglesss-on-his-way) I made for this story, please reblog if you want to rec this fic to your followers.


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